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Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Vacation Success (with Kids)!

A couple of weeks ago we took a mini family vacation to Great Wolf Lodge.  If you haven't been to Great Wolf Lodge, here's a brief summary.  It's a family resort that includes an indoor water park, outdoor water park, arcade, kid spa, adult spa, adventure quests, crafts and activities, restaurants, and a lot of other expensive merchandising opportunities.  It's a fun place for a short family getaway.

Now we have traveled with the kids before.  However, we have usually traveled to visit friends or family.  We haven't taken a real vacation since our son was a baby (and you can hardly call a trip with a 7 month old a vacation).  For some families, taking a 5 year old and 2 year old to Great Wolf Lodge probably doesn't seem like an accomplishment, but for our family, it was a major accomplishment.

First, vacations have historically been hard for our daughter, because they over-stimulate her.  She had a hard time transitioning from one activity to another.  That means that every time we left one activity to go to another, we faced a potential meltdown (which she might not recover from).  She was so in love with what we were doing, she didn't want it to end.  And she had such anxiety about doing something new that she didn't want to go to the new thing.  I used to marvel at our friends taking their 4 year olds to Disney World.  I couldn't imagine anything worse than taking our 4 year old to Disney World.  But let me say, at 5.5, I think we have finally crossed into "highly sensitive child" sanity!  Our daughter did great.  She was flexible.  She compromised.  She ate new foods.  She had a blast.  And there were no meltdowns.  Hallelujah!

Secondly, we have a 2 year old boy.  That might say it all.  But I will elaborate.  If there were a scale of 1-10 for childhood exploration (1 being the least and 10 being the most), our son would be a 12.  Once he learned to walk, we could no longer leave anything on a surface he could reach.  He would find it in .5 seconds and proceed to eat it, throw it, knock it over, or move it to an unknown location.  Every room was gated and locked so that I only had to supervise a limited area in the house.  I literally haven't taken my eyes off him in a year and a half, because I know he's always 5 seconds away from death or bodily harm.  As you can imagine, he's also not fond of the stroller either, because well, that's very limiting for his exploration needs.  So therefore, taking him somewhere where he could walk freely in a crowd - holy cow - not going to happen.  To go to GWL and be able to somewhat manage him without strollers, leashes, or obsessive supervision was amazing!  Now he wasn't perfect.  We lost him at least 3 times I can think of, but happily, we recovered him within 60 seconds each time.

The next challenge has been logistics.  I'm not the type of person who says, "Let's just go!  I don't care if we have to bring everything but the kitchen sink.  It's not going to keep me from traveling."  No sirree.  I hate the logistical nightmare of towing a trailer of baby gear and then, no one getting sleep once you get there because of less than optimal sleeping arrangements.  On this trip, for the first time, our children both slept in normal beds in the same room together!  They took naps...at the same time...in the same room.  They went to bed at the same time.  Amazing.  And both kids can sit in regular chairs.  Both kids can drink out of normal cups.  Both kids can eat regular food.  Really the only baby thing we had to bring were diapers.  WOW!

Next on the amazing list - water safety.  For the first time, I could be alone with both of our kids in a pool (a large pool) and not be totally stressed out.  Our daughter is a confident swimmer now.  Not only do I trust her, she trusts herself, so she doesn't need my help and guidance constantly in the water.  I can also focus my attention on the 2 year old for the most part without constant fear that someone is drowning.  And my 2 year old wasn't too bad either.  As long as he had his puddle jumper on, I was actually more concerned about him wandering off than drowning.

Last but certainly not least, our daughter is now tall enough and brave enough to do things that mom and dad think are fun - water slides!  We have been in supervision and kid activity mode for so long, I had really almost forgotten how great it would be to get to do things I enjoy with my kids.  I'm happy to report, this little trip gave us a taste of that.  We certainly aren't completely there yet.  But I see the light.  We are on the upswing as far as the manual labor stage of parenting goes.  We are headed toward the light of childhood fun (before we hit the teenage angst).  And I'm so looking forward to it!


Wednesday, July 22, 2015

The Introvert Challenge!

I am an introvert.  I tell people that, and they usually respond, "No, you aren't.  You aren't shy."  Many people confuse the true definition of introversion and extroversion.  They don't have anything to do with shyness.  

An introvert processes information internally.  This is the person who just shows up one day and announces "I got a new job" and you had no idea they were looking for a new job.  And an introvert re-energizes by escaping the stimulation of the outside world and other people.  They like parties, but they also really like going home at the end of the day.  

An extrovert processes information externally.  This is the person who needs to talk through everything before making a decision.  And an extrovert gets their energy from being around people.  For this person, sitting at home by themselves is almost painful.

So my point here is that my introversion characteristic has largely shaped my path in this world - my career, my goals, my decision-making, where I live, lots of things.  But in the past few years, I have taken on roles that have really challenged my approach to life.  I decided to start two new businesses.  I knew I had the business acumen to put together a profitable business, but I didn't know if I could actually sell my business.  Extroverts are sales people, not introverts.  But I didn't have millions of advertising dollars to hide behind, so I would have to be the face of the business. I would have to go out into the world and sell myself.  I would have to pretend to be an extrovert.  Scary.

First, I had to face rejection.  People wouldn't get my idea.  People might not like me or what I had to offer, but I had to be prepared to hear that, still have confidence in myself and business, and move on to the next person.  This was really hard at first.  But for every person who didn't get it, there was someone who did.  And that gave me the confidence I needed to keep going, keep adjusting my business and my message, and get even better.  What an amazing life experience!  And one that I should have had 20 years ago, but I didn't have the courage then.  To anyone who hasn't forced themselves into a position to really put themselves out there and face rejection, I highly recommend it.  Your life will be forever changed and improved!  Imagine what you can accomplish if get rid of your fear of rejection.

Next, I had to learn how to lean on others.  When you don't have millions of advertising dollars to lean on, you need other people to be your advocates.  Often times, those people are actually other business owners (virtual strangers), not friends and family.  I have really built my life around being independent and not needing help from anyone.  So not only was it hard to ask for help, it was also hard to learn how facilitate the types of relationships that will generate help.  

Which leads me to my last point.  I've learned a completely new approach to business relationships (which I could apply to my personal relationships, too).  I have learned to approach relationships with the idea of what can I do to help this person.  This is so brilliant that I can't believe I never understood this concept before.  I have struggled my whole life with asking people for help.  I felt guilty imposing upon them.  But by approaching people with idea that I want to help them first...that takes all of the pressure off when I actually need to ask them for something.  Big duh moment for me.  And of course, it ensures I'm building relationships with other people who have the same approach...and thus, I'm building relationships with the kinds of people who are going to be most successful.

So for all of the introverts out there who think being a business owner or going into sales sounds scary or painful, I recommend giving it a shot at some point.  It will feel scary and painful, but it will be so freeing!  You will be amazed what you can accomplish once you've experienced the extrovert world for awhile.


Wednesday, July 15, 2015

I Have a Confession - I Judged Other Parents


Recently, we celebrated the 4th of July, as I'm sure you did, too if you live in the U.S.  We celebrated by going to our town's 4th of July parade in the morning.  Then, we went to one of our favorite brunch places (Kerbey Lane) that we rarely get to go to - it was yummy!  And in the afternoon, we went to the festival down the street, which had lots of activities and goodies for kids.  We finished off the evening by watching all of the local fireworks from our backyard.  I reflected at the end of the evening that my children had eaten a diet that consisted of candy, chocolate chip pancakes, snow cones, a bag of Cheetos, Sprite, and a couple of bananas (only because they were desperate and starving once we got home).  And you know what?  I wasn't proud of this, but I didn't sweat it either.  It was a fun day, and we all survived.

But this caused me to reflect on how my view of parenting has changed now that I'm a parent.  Even more so now that I'm a parent of two children.  Before I had kids I easily judged other parents.  If I had seen a parent doing what we did on the 4th of July, I would have thought to myself, "See.  That's why we have childhood obesity.  My children will eat things like broccoli and carrots, because I will make them homemade baby food only.  Hence, they will magically be children who crave asparagus and cauliflower."

I used to be baffled by why parents let their young children watch TV at all.  I mean didn't they understand that childhood experts universally agree TV is bad under the age of 2?  It's so easy to avoid.  Just don't ever turn the TV on and they won't know what they are missing.  Little did I know that one day TV would prove to be the magical cure to having 5 minutes to myself to hopefully complete a shower.  Or that TV would be the cure to keeping my daughter from melting down while I have to feed and change her baby brother.  TV would be magical not terrible.

I despised children on airplanes.  My first thought was why would any parent think it was acceptable to travel with a child under the age of 4 on an airplane.  Didn't they know better?  And if it was a matter of life and death, the least they could do was ensure their children knew how to be quiet and behave on the plane.  We flew with our son when he was 18 months old.  I was armed with a wide assortment of snacks and a backpack full of surprise activities to keep him occupied.  He was done with that in 30 minutes and ready to get off the plane, so he just kicked the seat in front of him endlessly (because there's all of a half inch of space there when I child sits in a car seat on a plane).  I felt bad, of course, but no amount of threats or bribery was stopping him.  The woman in front of him turned and asked me if I could ask him to stop.  It was all I could do to not say, "Oh, yes, of course, I'll ask the 18 month old to stop.  I hadn't thought of that.  I'm sure that will work."

Speaking of that, I also couldn't imagine I would stop traveling just because I had kids.  I couldn't understand why people completely gave up the things they enjoyed just because they had kids.  I thought that until the first time we flew with our daughter.  One car seat, one stroller, one Baby Bjorn, one baby bathtub, 10 bottles, one box of formula, one box of diapers, one container of wipes, and a lot of strategic flight planning around nap time, I realized why people don't travel with little kids.  It sucks.

I also didn't think I would be inconsiderate of my friends who didn't have kids just because I had kids.  I wouldn't insist on eating at a certain time or going to a certain place just to accommodate my kids.  Ha.  I had no idea this would mean the very people I'm trying to accommodate would have to listen to the screaming and tantrums that would ensue because my kids didn't have naps and were angry they were being forced to eat kale salad instead of grilled cheese.  Hence, eating at 5 PM at a place that serves grilled cheese starts to sound appealing.

One of the biggest things I didn't think I would do is negotiate with my kids.  I would see people tell their kid, "No ice cream."  Then, the child says, "But I'll be good.  Please can we have ice cream."  "Okay, but no candy on top."  I would think, "Suckers.  Just say no."  Little did I know that children negotiate everything.  And saying, "No means no" is effective sometimes, but sometimes, kids just wear you down.  And you're thinking, "I had a long week at work.  I'm tired.  And if buying my kids some ice cream means we are going to have some peace...then, let's have some ice cream."

So to the parents I've judged over the years, I apologize.  To the parents I may still judge in the future, I apologize.  And to those who aren't parents yet, I say just trust me, there's a reason these apparent bad parenting moves take place.  It's called life.  Parents sacrifice a lot - freedom, flexibility, good food, peace and quiet, adult conversation, going potty by yourself, calling it "potty" instead of "bathroom," and so on.  So occasionally, they sacrifice being perfect parents to just have some sanity.  Now of course, there are terrible parents out there who always choose themselves over their children.  But most parents don't fall into that bucket.  They are just tired or overwhelmed and trying to make the best of whatever situation they are in.  It still may not be fair to you if you don't have kids, but if you do have kids one day, you'll eventually understand.  Then, you will no longer sit in that restaurant or airplane, and judge the parents of the screaming child.  You'll think, "Thank God it's not mine" and enjoy the tantrum knowing you don't have to deal with it.




Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Mom is Going to Kindergarten

So my oldest is starting kindergarten in August.  My youngest is also starting a new school in August, too, but that does not freak me out.  For some reason, I'm nervous about kindergarten.  In fact, I kind of feel like I'm the one going to kindergarten.  Actually, that's not true.  If I were the one going to kindergarten, this would not be stressful at all.  Kindergarten is stressful to me, because I feel like I need to know everything, have everything organized, and have my daughter 150% prepared so that she loves kindergarten.  

And unfortunately, kindergarten has changed since I was a kindergartner.  In fact, it's changed so much that it has a new name now - it's just "kinder" - they dropped the "garten" part.  Apparently, it took too much time to say the whole word.  Anyway, now you need a PhD to figure out the ins and outs of getting your kid ready.  I know this because I have a Masters degree, and I'm not sure that's adequate.  There is no primary checklist that says do steps 1-10 and you're ready...it's a lot of amateur PI work investigating websites, apps, attending orientations and interviewing other moms.

For starters, kindergarten registration.  I carried a stack 1 inch high of paperwork to the school to register my daughter (at the required day and time of course).  It included every piece of documentation imaginable to prove my daughter exists, is American, is healthy, that I exist, that we are actually her parents, and that we legally own a home in the school district.  I'm sure there are people who lie about their address to get into our school district, so I get the stiff requirements, but holy cow - I felt like I was trying to get a bill passed through Congress!

Then there is how to get to and from school.  When I was a kid, this was easy.  My mom was a stay-at-home mom.  One of her primary jobs was to take me to school and pick me up.  Well, now that my husband and I both work, it's much more complicated.  My daughter wants to ride the bus, but the bus picks up at the crack of dawn...which means we all get less sleep or go to bed at 7 PM...OR we take her to school.  And if you drop your child off at school, it turns out there is a very specific way to do that.  Again, when I was a kid, my mom walked me to my class.  Not now.  Parents are not allowed in the school in the morning.  You have to know exactly which lane to get into in the morning to drop off your kinder kid and hope a 5th grader finds your child and matches them to the right class.  Actually, I'm sure this process runs fine but as a first timer, it freaks me out a bit.

Then, if you opt for your child riding the bus, you have to figure out that whole system.  Again, people weren't worried about kidnapping or losing kids or bullying when I was young, so the bus system was simple.  Now your child has to have an ID, be registered, know where to sit on the bus, etc.  All good - but something new to master.  And which bus stop do they get on and off of?  If you go to the wrong bus stop, they return your kid to the school.  Seriously.  Of course, this is for safety reasons and I completely appreciate it...but it makes me paranoid, I'm going to lose my kid.

The lunch system also used to be easy.  When I was in kindergarten, I went half day, so I ate lunch at home.  But even if I had eaten at school, I would have taken a $1 bill and handed it to the lunch lady.  My only choice was white or chocolate milk.  Now kids have lunch accounts.  And believe it or not, kindergartners are allowed to go through the lunch line and choose WHATEVER they want and it's just debited from their account.  They have many, many choices, too - healthy and not healthy.  So you have to make sure your 5 year old child clearly understands his/her lunch boundaries and doesn't spend $9/day on a lunch that consists of Doritos and ice cream.  OR of course, you can send your child to school with lunch.  That, too, requires more work, because (understandably so) there is a list of all of the items you cannot send to school in lunches. Although at my child's school, they can take PB&J, but they will have to sit at a particular table that's okay for nuts.

Next on the list - school supplies!  Now I will admit, this has actually been simplified.  You can now order your child's school supplies online, which is great as long as you know in advance you have to do that.  Otherwise, if you miss the deadline, you are screwed.  Although the cost of school supplies has increased significantly since I was in kindergarten.  I'm pretty sure my mom sent me to school with some pencils, erasers, glue, and construction paper.  My daughter's school supply package online (which I'm told is discounted) was $75.

Then, there's all of the ID's and apps I need to monitor my child, her lunches, her grades, her transportation, etc.  My daughter has a student ID, a portal ID, a login ID.  And I need three different apps on my phone to keep up with all of the information that will be available next year.  Oh and I should send my kindergartner to school with a phone, too.  What?  My daughter is 5.  She doesn't have a phone, but apparently, she will need one (even if it's non-functioning) if she rides the bus because they highly recommend that to keep the kids occupied on the bus.

And finally, there's orientation and meet the teacher night and curriculum night and how to be a better parent night (okay, I'm kidding about that one).  And I'm also stressed about what backpack does she need, what lunch box does she need, what do kinder kids wear to school.  I know I will look back on this next year and laugh at myself.  But my child freaks if she is under-prepared (you should have seen her the day she forgot her show and tell at Pre-K), so the last thing I want her to think is mom doesn't know what's going on in kindergarten.  We will never make it to first grade!

For those of you who are sending your oldest to kindergarten this fall, I wish you luck!  For those who have already been there, do you have words of wisdom...or a bottle of wine?


Wednesday, July 1, 2015

My Highly Sensitive Child Story of the Week

For all of you moms who have highly sensitive children, I have a story to tell you.  It's a story to commiserate with your pain, but it's also a story of hope.

First, I have to preface all of this with a few data points.  My daughter is 5.5.  She has taken dance lessons at her school every week for the past 3 years.  They do ballet, tap, jazz, and hip hop...and she loves it!  She has also taken gymnastics, music lessons, piano lessons, and soccer class at school.  But dance is the one activity she has never complained about or wanted to quit.  She makes up dances for us at home and on the trampoline and at the pool. So I can say I feel very comfortable that she likes dance.  It's not something that is imposed upon her.  A couple of months ago, I began talking to her about taking dance lessons at another place once she started kindergarten.  She will be going to a new school and so she can't keep taking lessons at her old school.  She understood and said she wanted to do that.  I also explained that unlike her current dance class, she won't be able to do ballet, tap, etc. in one class.  Therefore, she needs to choose - tap, ballet or jazz.  She chose tap.

So I pick her up from school last week and I excitedly announce that I signed her up for her new tap class (which btw, I had to pay $130 before she even sets foot in the studio).  I, naively, am expecting her to say, "Yea!  That's awesome!"  Instead, she says, "At my new school?"  I said, "No, it's at a dance studio."  The words are hardly out of my mouth before she angrily yells, "No!  I don't want to! No!  I'm not going.  I'm not talking to you."  Then, she folds her arms and curls into the best fetal position she can muster in her booster seat and refuses to speak to me.  I am, of course...confused, baffled.  Did she want to take ballet?  Is she sad to leave her current teacher?  What just happened?

Now, my initial internal response was, "You ungrateful child. You wanted to take this class.  It's expensive.  And you are a spoiled brat who deserves to not get to take any special classes this fall.  And when you get home, you can go to your room, too, for being so ungrateful!" 2 years ago...maybe even 1 year ago...that's exactly what would have happened at our house.  And that of course, would have been followed by a one hour rage/meltdown.

But by now, I am a relatively experienced parent of a highly sensitive child (HSC), so I told myself to pause and think about it.  Try to think about this as a 5 year old.  What might she be upset about that I'm missing?  And it dawned on me!

So after 15 minutes of pouting, she starts to speak again like a normal, calm child.  So I said, "Let me tell you about how elementary school works.  It's different from your current school.  The activities you want to participate in - like soccer, piano, and dance - are taught at a place that is NOT in your elementary school.  Your friends cannot take dance and soccer at your new elementary school.  They have to go somewhere else to take those classes.  So I asked everyone which dance studio most of the kids from your new school will go, and that's where I signed you up to to take tap."  Instantly, she smiled.  She said, "So my new friends will be in my new tap class?"  "Yes," I said.

And all was well with the world and tap is the greatest thing since...well...donuts (because sliced bread is really not that great to her).  It seemed that as a total extrovert, her worst fear was that her friends would all get to take dance together at school and she would be excluded.  And without understanding how elementary school works, it appeared to her that I had just signed her up for that exact total torture scenario.  Thankfully, she discovered I am, in fact, not the cruelest mother in the world.

Now there's still room for improvement here, of course.  We continue to reiterate that when she feels sad or angry, she has to talk to us about it and not go into a pouting, fetal position.  But there has been radical improvement.  We have learned to not assume the negative reaction is about being a brat.  Usually, her intense negative reaction is because her feelings were hurt or she was scared.  But the source of the hurt feelings or fear isn't always obvious.  I have definitely learned to get in touch with my inner child!  If you are a parent of a young HSC, keep the faith.  Your child will get better.  You will get better.  It will get better.