#MeToo

Let's talk about this tipping point we are seeing in America right now.  I mean as I write this, I'm watching Al Franken get added to the list of accused harassers.  It is absolutely remarkable.  It's remarkable on so many levels.

First, it's remarkable that electing a man who openly admitted to sexually assaulting women might just lead to more positive change for women than electing a woman.  What does that say about America?  In my opinion, it says a lot.  It says that much of America (particularly white America) really didn't appreciate how much misogyny and gender inequality still exists in America (racial inequality exists, too, but that's for another post).

I will be the first to admit I had no idea how bad it still is.  As a grown woman, mother, and business person, I have to really say to myself, "How did you not get it?"  After all, I have a #metoo story.  I experienced sexual harassment by three different men (in one night) in a previous job.  Then, once it was reported to HR, a woman (my boss) told me I was not welcome there any more and needed to find another job.  In short, I should have understood this was a part of the culture there, and if I wasn't going to let it slide, then, this wasn't the place for me.  That should have been my wake-up call.  But it wasn't.  I knew of many other women in the company who either had experienced the same thing, had participated in affairs with married executives, or had coordinated "dates" for married executives...and yet, that wasn't a wake-up call either. I've had friends who were victims of rape and sexual assault.  That's didn't wake me up.  I've had friends who have been victims of professional gender discrimination, and that didn't wake me up.  Why the hell not?

I think there are multiple reasons for our society's complacency.  The first reason is that women don't talk about their experiences.  Whether women are victims of sexual harassment, sexual assault, physical abuse or just gender discrimination, society tells us not to talk about it.  The consequences for women who speak out are almost always worse than the crime itself.  So women are expected to suffer through the crime and then, suffer even more in hopes of punishing the offender.  In my personal situation, after I was asked to leave the company, I wanted to tell the world.  I was furious, and I wanted people to know not to go work for this company.  A manager (the manager I had confided in) convinced me not to do that, because I would burn bridges and it might prevent me from getting future jobs in Silicon Valley.  Sadly, that's what most women are told.  Don't speak out, because you will be punished even more.  So there's a feeling that these assaults and harassments are rare occurrences.  Well, after the #metoo campaign, I think we can all see that is hardly the case.

The other reason for my complacency was this feeling that this is just a part of life and that women need to focus on proving themselves and not whining.  This is the Texan in me.  I believed that if women just show everyone how amazing we are, these harassment and gender inequality issues will go away.  Somebody should have shook me and said, "What?  This makes no sense."  First of all, I clearly needed a history lesson.  Women did not even get the right to vote until 1920.  Men have been voting since 1789.  Condoms were invented in 1839.  The birth control pill was put on the market in 1960.  White women only make 78% of what white men make for the same job.  Minority women make 54-64% of what white men make for the same job.

To be fair, I knew these statistics, but for some reason, I didn't comprehend the consequence.  I still believed it was women's fault for being unequal - we were too emotional, we didn't study hard enough, we chose to be moms and leave the work force.  I'm shaking my head as I write this.  To be fair, I was raised by great parents who taught me that I was smart, capable and could be anything I wanted to be.  And I believed them.  So I genuinely thought my life's accomplishments were 100% within my control.  I did not understand or believe that there were still many, many men out there who have a vested interest in maintaining their position of power.  They don't want to share it with women or even minority men.  And it doesn't matter that I am probably smarter and more capable than them, because many of those men already have the power.  And those men will continue to prefer other men just like them.  I really believe society and our school system (while well-intentioned) made a mistake with Generation X.  They did a great job communicating that girls could be anything we want to be, but they led us to believe equality already existed.  And in the South and Texas, girls were taught to work hard and don't whine (i.e. protest or speak out against injustices).  We need to communicate girl power to young girls but we also need to educate older girls and boys that gender inequality is still a work in progress.  And I want to emphasize that it's important that we educate girls AND boys on this issue.

Last but not least, I think there is complacency because often the women who are most impacted by these incidents are the most vulnerable - women of color, women of lower incomes and young girls.  Predators aren't stupid.  They choose victims who are least likely to defend themselves.  So for those of us who were lucky enough to be among the least vulnerable - white women, middle and upper class women, women who grew up having healthy relationships with their parents (especially fathers) - we were largely sheltered from the realities that millions of other women face.  I actually commented to a friend the other day (who agreed) that seeing all of these women come forward now telling their #metoo stories has left me feeling so blessed that I was never raped or sexually assaulted.  Let me repeat that.  I feel LUCKY.  No woman should feel lucky because she hasn't been raped.

So where do we go from here?  First, let's not let this moment in history just be a moment.  We need to carpe diem!  We need to make real changes.  I know for one, I'm making some personal changes --

1.  Believe victims - I'm ashamed to admit there was a time when I really questioned women who waited 10 years to accuse someone of a crime.  I bought into the whole "if it was real, they would have said something then."  Ha!  I knew nothing about being a victim.  Of course, there are rare occasions of false accusations - and those women should be punished - but remember, that is the exception not the rule.  According to Stanford University, only 2% of sexual accusations are proven to be false.  And only 40% of all sexual assaults are even reported.  Ponder that.

2.  Speak out - I'm older and thus, less vulnerable now.  But if I see another woman being victimized or another man acting inappropriately, I promise to speak out.  I promise to not just "let men by men."  I promise to be an advocate for younger women who might find themselves harassed or assaulted somewhere down the line.

3.  Teach my daughter better - My daughter will know she is smart, capable, and just as (if not more) qualified than men.  She will know she has her parents' support to be anything she wants to be in this world.  But she will also be taught to appreciate the women who fought for the rights she has now and know that she carries a responsibility to continue to fight for equality for women.  Last but not least, she will know that no man has the right to touch her or speak to her in a way that makes her uncomfortable.  And if that happens, she should speak out - and her parents will support her 100%.

4.  Teach my son better -  My son will know he is smart, capable, and just as (if not more) qualified than women.  But he will know that he is privileged because of his gender (again, we'll leave race and economic privilege for another post).  He has benefits given to him as a result of his gender, strength, and cultural history.  He will be taught that he should carry that privilege with respect.  That means he should never touch a woman who hasn't soberly given him permission to do so.  He should never speak sexually about a woman in front of other people.  And he will know that in the professional world, if he wouldn't do/say the same thing to another man, he shouldn't do it to a woman.  And last but not least, he needs to join in the fight to ensure we keep progressing in gender equality.

What will you do?  How will you change so that your sons and daughters live in a more equal, healthier world?

Here's to the Amazing Parents!

The other day I saw a Facebook post that made me pause.  It was a great, celebratory post about something special the parents did for their kids.  It was a feel good moment.  What gave me pause was reading the comments from friends..."You guys are the most amazing parents!"  "When I'm a parent, I want to be like you!"  "Your kids have the best parents!"  Amazing, feel-good praise.  And really, there is nothing wrong with the post.  We should share the happy moments with friends.  And the people who posted were just being kind and good friends.  But the reason it gave me pause was because I feel like as a society, we often value and judge parents solely based on the feel good moments or their kids' achievements.  Social media perpetuates this pattern, and I firmly believe this pattern is unhealthy.

When I think about the parents I know who I believe are amazing parents, they are the ones who often don't get a lot of public praise.  They don't get a lot of praise, because they are the parents with kids who are not easy going and sometimes have behavior problems.  They are the parents with kids who have special needs and will never make the honor roll.  They are the single parents who are struggling to just pay the bills and sometimes forget their child was supposed to wear a special shirt to school last Friday.  They are the parents who are too busy or too private to share every moment on Facebook, but at night they are exhausted and wondering if tomorrow will be better.  And they are the parents who often don't tell others about these challenges for fear they will be judged.

Take a moment and think  - How often do your friends share the bad child rearing moments?  And I don't mean complaining about how they can't go to the bathroom alone or that their three year old will only eat mac 'n' cheese.  I mean how often do your friends share the bad moments that their might be judged for?  Like when did someone last share their child went to the principal's office three times last week?  Or that they hired a private tutor because their 5th grader still doesn't understand fractions?   Or that their eight year old child still refuses to eat spaghetti because "tonight it looks funny?"  Or that they don't have enough money to pay their share of the teacher's Christmas gift, so they had to be "that" parent who doesn't contribute?  Sadly, our society tends to think these flaws are always a result of inadequate parenting and thus, parents who struggle, struggle in silence.  (And for the record,  yes there are lazy, disorganized, thoughtless parents out there.  But I believe most parents are trying.)

There are parents who are often trying ten times harder than other parents to just get their kids to pass classes.  They are the parents taking their seven year old child to therapy every week, and their child still doesn't have the motor skills to kick a soccer ball.  They are parents crying themselves to sleep at night, because they are worried what opportunities their child will have in life because their child isn't the perfect, Type A personality our society praises.

I write this post, because I think all parents sometimes need a reminder about what is really important in parenting.  Parents are at their most amazing when their kids are behaving terribly and the parent figures out a way to resolve the situation productively.  Parents are at their most amazing when even though they don't have enough money to buy a fancy Christmas, they still figure out how to make the holiday full of love and special moments.  Parents are at their most amazing when they recognize their child is struggling and they seek help without shame or embarrassment.  Parents are at their most amazing when they are outside throwing a baseball with their child for the 100th time, hoping this will be the time the child hits the ball...but knowing if it isn't, they will be out there throwing the ball a 101st time.

If you have kids who are high achievers in academics, athletics or arts, that is fantastic!  If your kids are well-behaved and easily try new things and new foods, that too, is freaking fantastic!  Feel blessed.  Feel happy.  Enjoy it.  Society needs high achievers, and high achievers need amazing parents to help them reach their full potentials.  But also remember that these amazing traits are probably just as much a result of genetics and good fortune as they are good parenting.

And if you have kids who rarely receive praise...if you have kids who never earn an award or trophy...if you have kids who still only eat yogurt and grilled cheese, you are not a failure.  You know how much effort, love and tears you are putting into parenting everyday and that is your sign of success.  Your success is marked by the improvements you see every month and year, not by the awards hanging on the wall.  And those improvements are a result of your amazing parenting!

And tomorrow, we as parents should do two things:
1.  Praise yourself for the tough moments.  Celebrate the day you survived that was hard!  That's the day you really earned your Amazing Parenting Award.
2.  Be supportive friends and good listeners to those whose kids are struggling.  There's a good chance they could use a good friend - someone who can be a good listener, not someone who can give great parenting advice.

This Nutrient Has Revolutionized Our Family

So you may have noticed, I haven't written a blog post in awhile.  In fact, my blogging fell off right around the time our new President was inaugurated.  Was there a correlation?  Yes, sadly, there was.  Many of the events that occurred at the beginning of his presidency sent me into a heightened state of anxiety that I just couldn't recover from.  I was gripped by the news, my phone, my thoughts, and I could not detach at all.  I could not put my phone down.  I could not enjoy being around friends or family.  I was really living in a constant state of anxiety.  It was awful.  I was pretty convinced the only cure for this intense feeling was impeachment or the 2020 election.  But I am very happy to report, that I was wrong...I mean my feelings about our President haven't changed, but my anxiety is so much better now!  In fact, our family has reached a whole new level of calm, peace, and happiness.

How - you might ask?  I began researching ways to lower cortisol, because I assumed that was at least part of what was causing my feelings of anxiety.  Of course, I found suggestions of ways to calm yourself and your lifestyle, but realistically, unless I was going to divorce my husband (who has anxiety) or give away my kids (who have anxiety)...I just didn't see how meditation and yoga were going to be sufficient.  I came across a supplement I had never heard of  - phosphatidylserine.  I know that's a mouthful, so I'll just refer to it as PS from here on out.

What is phosphatidylserine?  PS is a type of fat produced by the body but mostly sourced from foods (soy, mackerel, chicken heart, tuna, chicken liver).  It's found in every cell of the human body, but mostly concentrated in brain tissue. It enables the brain to use blood sugar (glucose) more efficiently. Glucose (which often gets a bad rap) is brain fuel, and when the brain has better access to fuel, it works better.

In addition to glucose mediation, PS helps balance cortisol levels, ensuring cortisol peaks in the morning and decreases by night time. When cortisol levels fall out of this pattern (often due to stress), the body loses equilibrium. Chronic stress levels cause the adrenal glands to pump out mega-doses of cortisol, which then desensitize the hypothalamus and the hippocampus. These two parts of the brain act as shut-off valves for cortisol. When they become desensitized, cortisol levels get out of balance - thus causing insomnia, chronic anxiety, and fatigue.

Studies show PS is effective for people with age-related mental decline and Alzheimer's.  There are limited, but not conclusive studies, using PS with people who have depression and/or ADHD.

The good news is you don't have to run out and buy a lot of chicken hearts and livers.  You can  purchase phosphatidylserine supplements easily from any place that sells vitamins.  PS used to be made from cow brains (kind of gross), but now it is commonly manufactured from cabbage or soy. (The switch was triggered by a concern that products made from animal sources might cause infections such as mad cow disease.)

Research indicates you need at least 800 mg a day to lower cortisol levels.  General memory or ADHD symptoms might improve with as little as 200 mg a day.  I actually started with 1500 mg a day (500 mg taken 3 times a day).  Within two weeks, I felt 100 times better.  I was finally able to set down my phone.  I was able to watch something besides the news.  I was able to be present with my kids.  I was also able to genuinely enjoy being around others and not just count the minutes until I could be alone again.  I continued at this dose for two months and then cut back to two doses a day.  I have also been battling some other hormone and thyroid issues (that I will write about at another date).  I'm hopeful that as I get those hormones balanced, I will be able to cut back my PS intake to just one dose a day.

Of course, my experience with this led me to wonder if PS would have a positive impact on my husband and children who have struggled with anxiety much longer than I have.  Surprisingly, my husband willingly offered to take it.  He started with just two 500 mg doses a day (1000 mg total).  Within a week, I could tell a huge difference in his behavior.  He was much more patient and calm with the kids.  He was able to have a conversation with me while doing something else (historically multi-tasking has been virtually impossible).  He was able to cope with interruption without getting angry or irritable.  He said he could tell he was able to cope with professional conflict and ambiguity better as well.  Prior to taking PS, conflict would cause him to get angry and shut down but now he was able to work it out and still feel energized at the end of the day.  This was a miracle.

So I decided to slowly introduce PS to my kids.  Studies have been conducted and shown success using 200 mg a day with children.  I started giving them PS100 once a day.  It's only 100 mg of PS and it doesn't contain any additional supplements.  After a week, I didn't see any negative effects.  Even better, my daughter seemed happy.  To others, that may sound odd.  Our daughter usually seems happy in public, but at home, it's a different story.  She puts on her good face for the world which leaves her exhausted and irritable for our family.  After just one week on 100 mg, I saw her singing and dancing.  She was telling me jokes.  She was willing to talk to me after school.  She was able to speak politely, using "please" and "thank you" without me prompting her every time.  She told me she loved me - out loud!  It seemed like a miracle.  I decided to add a second night time dose for both kids.  After adding the second dose, I began seeing changes in our son.  For the first time, he was willing to try new tasks at occupational therapy without pouting or getting angry.  I saw him volunteer to demonstrate tasks to his class, which he never does.  He was willing to approach children who were playing and speak to them.  It was another little miracle.  

PS may not be for everyone.  You should definitely speak to your doctor about taking it as well as review the potential side effects and interactions.  But if you believe you or a loved one is struggling with memory issues, ADHD, or high cortisol levels (always in fight or flight mode), then, I recommend looking into PS.