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Friday, November 17, 2017

#MeToo

Let's talk about this tipping point we are seeing in America right now.  I mean as I write this, I'm watching Al Franken get added to the list of accused harassers.  It is absolutely remarkable.  It's remarkable on so many levels.

First, it's remarkable that electing a man who openly admitted to sexually assaulting women might just lead to more positive change for women than electing a woman.  What does that say about America?  In my opinion, it says a lot.  It says that much of America (particularly white America) really didn't appreciate how much misogyny and gender inequality still exists in America (racial inequality exists, too, but that's for another post).

I will be the first to admit I had no idea how bad it still is.  As a grown woman, mother, and business person, I have to really say to myself, "How did you not get it?"  After all, I have a #metoo story.  I experienced sexual harassment by three different men (in one night) in a previous job.  Then, once it was reported to HR, a woman (my boss) told me I was not welcome there any more and needed to find another job.  In short, I should have understood this was a part of the culture there, and if I wasn't going to let it slide, then, this wasn't the place for me.  That should have been my wake-up call.  But it wasn't.  I knew of many other women in the company who either had experienced the same thing, had participated in affairs with married executives, or had coordinated "dates" for married executives...and yet, that wasn't a wake-up call either. I've had friends who were victims of rape and sexual assault.  That's didn't wake me up.  I've had friends who have been victims of professional gender discrimination, and that didn't wake me up.  Why the hell not?

I think there are multiple reasons for our society's complacency.  The first reason is that women don't talk about their experiences.  Whether women are victims of sexual harassment, sexual assault, physical abuse or just gender discrimination, society tells us not to talk about it.  The consequences for women who speak out are almost always worse than the crime itself.  So women are expected to suffer through the crime and then, suffer even more in hopes of punishing the offender.  In my personal situation, after I was asked to leave the company, I wanted to tell the world.  I was furious, and I wanted people to know not to go work for this company.  A manager (the manager I had confided in) convinced me not to do that, because I would burn bridges and it might prevent me from getting future jobs in Silicon Valley.  Sadly, that's what most women are told.  Don't speak out, because you will be punished even more.  So there's a feeling that these assaults and harassments are rare occurrences.  Well, after the #metoo campaign, I think we can all see that is hardly the case.

The other reason for my complacency was this feeling that this is just a part of life and that women need to focus on proving themselves and not whining.  This is the Texan in me.  I believed that if women just show everyone how amazing we are, these harassment and gender inequality issues will go away.  Somebody should have shook me and said, "What?  This makes no sense."  First of all, I clearly needed a history lesson.  Women did not even get the right to vote until 1920.  Men have been voting since 1789.  Condoms were invented in 1839.  The birth control pill was put on the market in 1960.  White women only make 78% of what white men make for the same job.  Minority women make 54-64% of what white men make for the same job.

To be fair, I knew these statistics, but for some reason, I didn't comprehend the consequence.  I still believed it was women's fault for being unequal - we were too emotional, we didn't study hard enough, we chose to be moms and leave the work force.  I'm shaking my head as I write this.  To be fair, I was raised by great parents who taught me that I was smart, capable and could be anything I wanted to be.  And I believed them.  So I genuinely thought my life's accomplishments were 100% within my control.  I did not understand or believe that there were still many, many men out there who have a vested interest in maintaining their position of power.  They don't want to share it with women or even minority men.  And it doesn't matter that I am probably smarter and more capable than them, because many of those men already have the power.  And those men will continue to prefer other men just like them.  I really believe society and our school system (while well-intentioned) made a mistake with Generation X.  They did a great job communicating that girls could be anything we want to be, but they led us to believe equality already existed.  And in the South and Texas, girls were taught to work hard and don't whine (i.e. protest or speak out against injustices).  We need to communicate girl power to young girls but we also need to educate older girls and boys that gender inequality is still a work in progress.  And I want to emphasize that it's important that we educate girls AND boys on this issue.

Last but not least, I think there is complacency because often the women who are most impacted by these incidents are the most vulnerable - women of color, women of lower incomes and young girls.  Predators aren't stupid.  They choose victims who are least likely to defend themselves.  So for those of us who were lucky enough to be among the least vulnerable - white women, middle and upper class women, women who grew up having healthy relationships with their parents (especially fathers) - we were largely sheltered from the realities that millions of other women face.  I actually commented to a friend the other day (who agreed) that seeing all of these women come forward now telling their #metoo stories has left me feeling so blessed that I was never raped or sexually assaulted.  Let me repeat that.  I feel LUCKY.  No woman should feel lucky because she hasn't been raped.

So where do we go from here?  First, let's not let this moment in history just be a moment.  We need to carpe diem!  We need to make real changes.  I know for one, I'm making some personal changes --

1.  Believe victims - I'm ashamed to admit there was a time when I really questioned women who waited 10 years to accuse someone of a crime.  I bought into the whole "if it was real, they would have said something then."  Ha!  I knew nothing about being a victim.  Of course, there are rare occasions of false accusations - and those women should be punished - but remember, that is the exception not the rule.  According to Stanford University, only 2% of sexual accusations are proven to be false.  And only 40% of all sexual assaults are even reported.  Ponder that.

2.  Speak out - I'm older and thus, less vulnerable now.  But if I see another woman being victimized or another man acting inappropriately, I promise to speak out.  I promise to not just "let men by men."  I promise to be an advocate for younger women who might find themselves harassed or assaulted somewhere down the line.

3.  Teach my daughter better - My daughter will know she is smart, capable, and just as (if not more) qualified than men.  She will know she has her parents' support to be anything she wants to be in this world.  But she will also be taught to appreciate the women who fought for the rights she has now and know that she carries a responsibility to continue to fight for equality for women.  Last but not least, she will know that no man has the right to touch her or speak to her in a way that makes her uncomfortable.  And if that happens, she should speak out - and her parents will support her 100%.

4.  Teach my son better -  My son will know he is smart, capable, and just as (if not more) qualified than women.  But he will know that he is privileged because of his gender (again, we'll leave race and economic privilege for another post).  He has benefits given to him as a result of his gender, strength, and cultural history.  He will be taught that he should carry that privilege with respect.  That means he should never touch a woman who hasn't soberly given him permission to do so.  He should never speak sexually about a woman in front of other people.  And he will know that in the professional world, if he wouldn't do/say the same thing to another man, he shouldn't do it to a woman.  And last but not least, he needs to join in the fight to ensure we keep progressing in gender equality.

What will you do?  How will you change so that your sons and daughters live in a more equal, healthier world?


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