Do Your Kids Like Each Other?

My husband and I are both only children and while I think we both turned out fine, we both had an urge to have two children instead of just one.  But given that we had many fertility challenges to overcome to have children, it was definitely going to be a lot of effort to have a second child.  Therefore, we put a lot...I mean a lot...of thought into whether or not we really needed to (and really wanted to) have a second child.  Amazingly, we landed on the decision to have a second child (Trust me, there are days when we both look at each other and say, "Why did we do this to ourselves?  One was so much easier").

One of the primary things we thought about in making our decision was - what if we have two children and they don't even like each other?  What if we go through all of this effort and they don't even talk to each other once they move on to their own lives?  After all, our parents all had siblings and our parents were not terribly close to their respective siblings.  At times, I would say they didn't even like each other.  And after much thought and observation, I have to say that I'm pretty convinced (assuming siblings are relatively close in age), the future success of sibling relationships is largely determined by the parenting.  So how can we do it differently than our grandparents did (ha - see mom, it was all grandmama and poppa's fault)?

Now I can't tell you that I have fully tested this hypothesis.  Our children are only 5 and 2.  But I have developed a strategy for our little sibling experiment...based on observations so far.

Here's our 5 step strategy:

1.  Teach them to be kind and caring to each other when they are little
This seems obvious.  But I can tell you that having two little kids is really like having three kids - you parent the older one, you parent the younger one, and you parent all of the conflict between the two.  There are lots of days when I really want to say just duke it out (especially now that it's a fairer fight), because I'm too tired.  And truth be told, sometimes the only thing that gets me motivated to be a good parent is I cannot stand the screaming...but hey, whatever it takes.  Just make sure we put in the time now to teach them how to treat each other.

2.  Do not pick a favorite (and if for some reason you favor one, ensure you never show it)
Again, this seems obvious as an outsider.  But when you are parenting, sometimes you find one child is easier than the other.  And it might even switch.  Sometimes my son is easier and sometimes my daughter is easier.  But often, I gravitate toward the kid who is creating less drama and anxiety. So my husband and I have to work extra hard to make sure both kids get the same number of kisses, same number of hugs, same number of "At-ta boys and At-ta girls."   And I also have to recognize that our extra sensitive daughter some times needs 1.5 times the XOXOs in order to feel like she got the same number her younger brother got.  Fortunately, at this stage he still wouldn't notice if I gave the cat more kisses than I gave him.

3.  Make them apologize and forgive
Even if I don't think the discretion (accidental shove or misplaced toy) is significant, I know it's significant to my kids.  And I don't ever want them to harbor resentment towards each other because an apology wasn't made.  After all, it's pretty easy to say "I'm sorry."  So we say it a lot at our house.  It's a great habit, because our perfectionist daughter needs lots of practice apologizing.  Our son, on the other hand, can say "I'm sorry" like a champ!  We are preparing him to be an awesome husband.

4.  Make the family a team.
This applies to the kids not only helping each other but also spending time together.  At this point, our daughter does most of the helping with her brother, but his time will come.  I think it's also important to make sure the team has lots of family time together.  We do sacrifice birthday parties (okay, that's not always a sacrifice...once we made it to age 4, I was pretty much over the birthday party experience) and more individual activities, so that we are together as a family as much as possible.  I'm sure this is going to become increasingly difficult as the kids get older, but I promise to always make this one a priority.

So for those of you with older kids, what are your tips?  How did you parent your kids to encourage them to be best buds as they get older?

Our Last Summer Hoorah (Mommy and Daddy Slept Like the Kids Went to Nana's House...for the Whole Weekend)!

We had one last summer vacation before school starts!  Where did we go?  The question is more like where did the kids go?....to Grandmama's house!

Let me tell you about our weekend vaca.  I apologize if I make you jealous.  Actually, I don't.  It was awesome.

Friday night started with dinner... with other carefree parents. It started at 7:30 PM (not 5:00 PM) and it was at an Argentinian restaurant (that did not have a playground).  Now we can of course, have date night and get a sitter and do that same thing any time.  But this evening didn't get kicked off with me throwing together a dinner of shells and cheese and corn dogs.  No one was simultaneously fighting me to not take a bath while also complaining that we were having a baby sitter.  And there's something really freeing about knowing that if we stay out late, drink a little too much, that's okay.  No one is going to wake us up at 7:00 AM.  The thing I observed about this evening was how much I enjoyed it.  I didn't even really know the people we were having dinner with that well.  It did not matter.  I just enjoyed that I didn't rush to get there, I didn't have to rush home to relieve a sitter, and I wasn't going to have to get up feeling tired and worn out in the morning.

Saturday morning didn't get kicked off until around 9:15 (11:00 for my husband).  I casually drank my coffee (I probably didn't get off the couch for a solid hour...amazing) and I watched some HGTV and Dateline.  My kids complain about house shows...and well, I think I should hold off for a few more years before I let them know mom is really into murder shows.  There was also no swim class and no Chick-Fil-A.  I'm sure Chick-Fil-A missed us.

Our afternoon was a leisurely one that didn't involve being home for nap time or planning a trip to the pool or bounce house in the afternoon.  I had a massage.  We had lunch and ran couple of errands.  We capped it off with a trip to the grocery store that was awesome!  Can I tell you that before we had kids, I used to rush us through the grocery store as fast as we could.  I couldn't stand wasting my Saturday on that.  Now, 6 years later, it seemed so luxurious to just peruse the store slowly.  We did every food tasting in the store.  We did every wine tasting in the store (and I mean that we enjoyed the tastings, not that we quickly took a wine shot to take the grocery experience edge off).  I loved the grocery store!  

We thought we would like to go see a movie that night, but we had waited too late to get tickets.  Who cares?  We could go on Sunday night.  So we ordered some sushi and downloaded a movie (Ex Machina, which btw, is a pretty good movie).  Again, so leisurely and so carefree.  

Sunday morning we played hookie from church (in our defense, our Sunday school teacher was on vacation, too).  My husband went for a bike ride and I went to spin class.  Those two things NEVER happen on Saturday or Sunday mornings...ever.  We followed that up with brunch with friends who have older kids, and we normally don't have the courage to impose our two year old on them.  I mean once you make it past toddlerhood, you are PAST toddlerhood.  We checked in for our lunch and they said it would be a 30 minute wait.  I'm like great.  Who cares?  You have a bar.  We've got nothing but time.  We did eventually wrap up our TWO HOUR brunch, so that we could get to other pressing activities (a pedicure and gun cleaning...I will let you guess which one I participated in).  And finally, we capped off a Sunday evening by going to a movie - a non animated movie.  

AHHH.   It was all so heavenly.  I didn't rush.  I didn't feel like I need to get somewhere, go faster, or think through all of the needs of my children for every possible scenario for every event on each day.  At the end of the weekend, I felt so relaxed and rested.  

I realized that my biggest struggle in parenthood right now is that we are going on close to 6 years of living on a very rigid schedule, with little flexibility and it has taken a toll on us.  Hence the reason a trip to the grocery store sans kids seems like a trip to "gay Paris".  But I also realized at the end of the weekend how much I missed my kids and I couldn't wait to give them a hug on Monday.  I'm not sure if we can make our family life more flexible and less rigid...I'm not sure if we can make our household feel calmer and more relaxed.  If I figure out how to crack those two nuts, I will for sure let you know the key.  But hopefully my renewed energy can carry me through...and if not, I will at least have the fond memories I can day dream about.

Will Your Kindergartner Be Successful in Life?

According to a results recently released from a 20 year study by the American Journal of Public Health, there are three traits that determine success in life.  And this prediction of success can be made in kindergarten.  That's right, according to this study, researchers can tell you if your child is likely to graduate from college, get arrested, or become addicted to drugs based on these 3 traits.  

So what are these traits you ask?  You might be surprised.  They have nothing to do with IQ, independence, or perseverance.  The 3 critical traits associated with success are the ability to Share, Cooperate, and Show Kindness (empathy).

I thought this study was amazing and yet not surprising at all.  I would love to interpret this as nice people in life come out on top.  But I don't think that's what this study really found.  It found that kids who have strong social and emotional skills have the greatest personal and professional success.  In kindergarten, kids who are developing strong social and emotional skills understand they have more success and popularity with their peers by sharing, cooperating, and being kind.  As these kids age, they may not be categorized as "the nice kid," because the "the nice kid" is often really "the quiet kid."  And quiet kids are sometimes quiet, because they don't know how to integrate and socialize with their peers.  Instead, these kids may be the leader on the playground or the class president or the club social chair.  They better understand how to read people, how to respond to people, how integrate themselves into peer groups, and how to manage emotions and relationships.

As an adult, this study makes perfect sense to me.  I know from my own personal experience, my personal and professional growth as an adult are both directly tied to my social and emotional growth.  I have a decent IQ and a good formal education.  However, the things that have held me back have always been related to emotional and social development.  My husband and I have often wondered why some of our friends have succeeded personally and professionally and some seem to constantly struggle.  And usually it's tied to emotional and social maturity and the ability to successfully navigate the world around them.

So as a parent, I have to say I loved reading this, because this is something I can take action on.  I can't determine my child's IQ.  I can probably have minimal influence on my child's athletic ability.  But I can definitely help my child learn to share, cooperate, and be kind.  And I can also use these traits as benchmarks to help me measure how I'm doing as a parent.  It doesn't mean that completing homework and studying for tests isn't also valuable, but it does mean that getting a 90 instead of 100 is probably okay.  Your child won't end up working at McDonald's for the rest of his/her life.

The other key lesson the researchers gave to parents - the best way to teach your children to share, cooperate, and be kind is to role model those traits.  So if you want your child to have a better chance at happiness and success in life, go home today and cooperate with your spouse, share with your friends, and be kind to your children.


Research Summary:
The study team tracked 753 male and female subjects. As kindergartners in the early 1990s, they were rated by teachers on a scale of one to five on skills such as sharing, being helpful, and listening to others.

The researchers followed the kindergartners for the next 20 years, noting their positive and negative milestones, such as whether they graduated from high school and college, had a police record, or dealt with substance abuse issues. 

The main finding: The kindergartners who scored highest on the social and emotional skill scale were up to four times more likely to turn out to be employed college grads without drug or alcohol problems or a police record. “For every one-point change on the one-to-five scale, the kids doubled their chances of being successful,” says Jones.

What's Wrong With You?

When I was pregnant with our son (and we knew he was a boy), a friend of ours said to me, "I want you to call me the day you look at him and think - what is wrong with you?"  Well, Jen VK, consider yourself called.  I look at my 2.5 year old son constantly and think, "What is wrong with you?"  Sometimes I even say it out loud (yes, I know.  I shouldn't).  You might be thinking this sounds mean coming from a mom, but let me tell you - if you have a girl first and a boy second, I don't know how you could not ask that question. Everyday.

Why is this you ask?  Well, let me just give you a few examples of the things he does on a daily basis.

This could be a script from the conversation we have everyday when he comes home from school:
Son - I want a banana.
Me - Son, we are going to eat dinner in 10 minutes.  Can you wait until then?
Son - <Screaming> No, I'm hungry.  I need a banana.
Me - Okay, you can have half a banana.  Are you sure you are going to eat it?
Son - Yes.
Me - Here's the banana.
Son - I don't want a banana.  I want yogurt.
Me - No, you asked for the banana.  Eat that or be hungry.
Son - <Tantrum>
Me - Son, there's a truck outside.
Son - Where?  I want to see it!  I want to see it!
Me - Go see it.  Look out the window.
Son - I can't.  I'm scared.  I need a banana.

Here's another daily anecdote:
Son - Can I throw this?  (holding up any number of objects in the house)
Me - Son, what can we throw?
Son - Balls.  Outside.
Me - Is that a ball?   Are you outside?
Son - No.  Can I throw it?

Another one of my favorites:
Son - I want a knife.
Me - You can't have a knife.
Son - Why?
Me - It will cut you.  Owee.
Son - I want a knife.
Me - Son, it will cut you and hurt you.
Son - I want a knife.
Me - It will hurt you and we will have to go to the hospital.
Son - I want to go to the hospital.

Last but not least:
As we drive down the road to go to a restaurant for lunch-
Son - I want to go to Flores.
Me - Son, we are going to Chick-Fil-A
Son - Is Flores closed?
Me - Yes, it's closed (it's not, but that has become a simpler explanation)
Son - I want to go to Craig-O's.
Me - We are going to Chick-Fil-A
Son - Is Craig-O's closed?
Me - Yes.
Son - I want to go to Chuck E Cheese (We never go there.  I don't even know how this is in his consideration set, but I guess he always wants to just give it a shot.)
Me - We are going to Chick-Fil-A
Son - Ok.
We pull up to Chick-Fil-A.
Son - Are we going to Flores?

Seriously?  I know the kid is not dumb.  He can figure out solutions to problems.  He can engineer and un-engineer toys like a pro.  But holy cow - as my husband said, "All of the cylinders in that little brain are not firing correctly."

If you only have boys, you can probably relate but may not see anything unusual by these conversations.  If you have girls, you know that girls don't have conversations like these...at any age.

Please know that I actually know there isn't anything wrong with my son.  He's just a boy.  And I love and adore him to pieces.  He melts my heart and cracks me up everyday (as you can see from above examples).

But I'm just curious...for those of you with boys - at what age do the cylinders start firing?  Like 20?