My husband and I are both only children and while I think we both turned out fine, we both had an urge to have two children instead of just one. But given that we had many fertility challenges to overcome to have children, it was definitely going to be a lot of effort to have a second child. Therefore, we put a lot...I mean a lot...of thought into whether or not we really needed to (and really wanted to) have a second child. Amazingly, we landed on the decision to have a second child (Trust me, there are days when we both look at each other and say, "Why did we do this to ourselves? One was so much easier").
One of the primary things we thought about in making our decision was - what if we have two children and they don't even like each other? What if we go through all of this effort and they don't even talk to each other once they move on to their own lives? After all, our parents all had siblings and our parents were not terribly close to their respective siblings. At times, I would say they didn't even like each other. And after much thought and observation, I have to say that I'm pretty convinced (assuming siblings are relatively close in age), the future success of sibling relationships is largely determined by the parenting. So how can we do it differently than our grandparents did (ha - see mom, it was all grandmama and poppa's fault)?
Now I can't tell you that I have fully tested this hypothesis. Our children are only 5 and 2. But I have developed a strategy for our little sibling experiment...based on observations so far.
Here's our 5 step strategy:
1. Teach them to be kind and caring to each other when they are little
This seems obvious. But I can tell you that having two little kids is really like having three kids - you parent the older one, you parent the younger one, and you parent all of the conflict between the two. There are lots of days when I really want to say just duke it out (especially now that it's a fairer fight), because I'm too tired. And truth be told, sometimes the only thing that gets me motivated to be a good parent is I cannot stand the screaming...but hey, whatever it takes. Just make sure we put in the time now to teach them how to treat each other.
2. Do not pick a favorite (and if for some reason you favor one, ensure you never show it)
Again, this seems obvious as an outsider. But when you are parenting, sometimes you find one child is easier than the other. And it might even switch. Sometimes my son is easier and sometimes my daughter is easier. But often, I gravitate toward the kid who is creating less drama and anxiety. So my husband and I have to work extra hard to make sure both kids get the same number of kisses, same number of hugs, same number of "At-ta boys and At-ta girls." And I also have to recognize that our extra sensitive daughter some times needs 1.5 times the XOXOs in order to feel like she got the same number her younger brother got. Fortunately, at this stage he still wouldn't notice if I gave the cat more kisses than I gave him.
3. Make them apologize and forgive
Even if I don't think the discretion (accidental shove or misplaced toy) is significant, I know it's significant to my kids. And I don't ever want them to harbor resentment towards each other because an apology wasn't made. After all, it's pretty easy to say "I'm sorry." So we say it a lot at our house. It's a great habit, because our perfectionist daughter needs lots of practice apologizing. Our son, on the other hand, can say "I'm sorry" like a champ! We are preparing him to be an awesome husband.
4. Make the family a team.
This applies to the kids not only helping each other but also spending time together. At this point, our daughter does most of the helping with her brother, but his time will come. I think it's also important to make sure the team has lots of family time together. We do sacrifice birthday parties (okay, that's not always a sacrifice...once we made it to age 4, I was pretty much over the birthday party experience) and more individual activities, so that we are together as a family as much as possible. I'm sure this is going to become increasingly difficult as the kids get older, but I promise to always make this one a priority.
So for those of you with older kids, what are your tips? How did you parent your kids to encourage them to be best buds as they get older?
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