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Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Part II of Our Family Overhaul - Dealing with Anxiety

I mentioned in my last post that we were doing a bit of an overhaul on our family.  What I meant was that we observed there were some things that were chronically not working.  Mom and dad were chronically exhausted managing the kids.  There were regular meltdowns (especially with our daughter), so she obviously wasn't happy either.  And if 3 out of 4 aren't happy, then, the 4th probably isn't happy either.  So rather than proceeding down the same path, we started trying to make some real changes.

The first thing we did was try to understand why yet again, our daughter was in a cycle of chronic meltdowns (when she's almost six).  You see her meltdowns appear to come out of nowhere.  They are usually not in response to not getting her way.  She can seem happy one moment and incredibly angry and hateful the next.  So we are always baffled by what happened and why she's so angry.  And we walk on pins and needles wondering when the next rage will come.

After much research (of course), the giant light bulb finally went off above my head.  She has anxiety.  I've heard anxiety discussed a great deal because my husband struggles with it and his mother struggles with it.  But I never thought about it applying to a 5 year old.  I knew my daughter worried - she has worried about death (her death, our death, the cat's death, etc.) ever since she learned a bug could die when she was three.  She has worried about not being good at things since she was a toddler.  She always worries about safety - her safety, our safety, mom and dad speeding, you name it.  But still, it never occurred to me that all of her anger and rage were actually just symptoms of her anxiety (not just stress but real anxiety).

So we started working with a child psychologist who specializes in childhood anxiety.  Suddenly, so many things made sense.  Anxiety is closely linked with sensitivity and giftedness.  The parts of the brain that function quickly, thus, taking in more stimulation also enable the child to have greater cognitive abilities.  But these increased cognitive abilities can also lead to anxiety.  Our daughter experiences emotions very strongly and she is also able to cognitively fear more mature things (like failure and death), but she's only 5.  She doesn't know how to deal with the emotions or fears going on in her head.

Here are some common symptoms of anxiety:


  • Restlessness or feeling keyed up or on edge  
    • (our daughter has always had a hard time being still and calm)
  • Being easily fatigued  
    • (our daughter needs more sleep each day than her 3 year old brother does)
  • Difficulty concentrating or mind going blank 
    • (our daughter is very easily distracted. sometimes appears like ADHD)
  • Irritability 
    • (our daughter is irritable for at least part of the day most days)
  • Sleep disturbance 
    • (our daughter frequently has night terrors)
  • Our daughter also shows an unwillingness to be independent and do things for herself.  Things like getting dressed or asking her to play alone without mom and dad are constant battles at our house.
As the mommy and the one who has taken the primary responsibility leading our children, I can tell you that identifying a core problem and finding help has been such a relief!  I have to control myself whenever I talk to the counselor, because I just can't stop talking.  Finally, I have someone else who gets it and is knowledgeable and can offer real help.  That alone has relieved some of my stress.

But the other great thing is our daughter loves it.  Child psychologists don't make kids sit on a couch and talk about themselves.  They use play therapy.  Our daughter goes into a play room and plays with the therapist while the therapist tries to learn more about what is going on inside her little head. Our daughter can't wait to go every week.  In fact, she would happily go everyday if we could afford it.

So far we've learned she really doesn't have a strong sense of self.  I know that sounds a little silly for a 5 year old.  There are 40 year olds who don't have a strong sense of self.  But she has less than she should have at 5.  Now don't mistake this for lack of confidence.  Our daughter is the first one on the playground and in 5 minutes, she will have found her new best friends.  But that is because she's an extrovert not because she feels pride in her accomplishments.  And because she's an extrovert without a strong sense of self, she is very focused on receiving external praise and rewards regularly (like EVERYDAY).  For example, her teacher selects a "Diamond Student" each day which is loosely based on good behavior and giving each child a turn to be the teacher's helper.  Our daughter sees this as success and wants to be the Diamond Student everyday (which is impossible).  So if she is the Diamond Student, her day is great!  When she doesn't earn the Diamond Student position, her day is shattered.  She then becomes angry and acts out.  She instantly regrets this, which makes her even angrier and thus, it's a vicious cycle.  This lack of internal self esteem creates the fear of failure (AKA perfectionism) and the fear of safety and security (worries about dying, being kidnapped, mom and dad speeding, etc).  


So the bad news is she doesn't internalize her accomplishments and feel good about herself.  But the good news is we know what's driving all of this, and we can address it!


So step by step, we are learning to put new tools in place in our home that will help manage our daughter's anxiety.  I can tell you that within two weeks of starting therapy and changing a few minor things in our home, she has become a new child.  A calmer, happier new child.  And when she's calmer, we are all calmer.  

Stay tuned.  In my part III, I'll tell you all about Child-Directed Play.  I can save you a fortune in therapist bills:).

Friday, January 22, 2016

This Parenting Idea Has Changed Our Lives

Our household is undergoing a bit of an overhaul.  I will write more about that in a later post.  But this one idea has helped significantly in that overhaul, so I wanted to share it now.  So you, too, can revolutionize your lives...I'm not exaggerating...it has revolutionized our lives...our lives filled with whining about picking up toys, leaving toys everywhere, complaining about doing chores, and not listening.  Yes, it has help with ALL of that!

About a month ago, my mom sent me a Pinterest pin with a picture of a box in the garage.  On the box, it read "If you leave toys out, they go in the box.  Do a chore and earn them back."  I thought that sounds awesome, but I don't have time to find a box and do this right now.  So I filed it away for future use.

About two days later, in a total fit of rage because my children (ages 6 and 3) were completely ignoring me when I asked them to pick up toys, I announced they had 5 minutes to finish picking up toys.  Everything that had not been picked up in that 5 minutes was going into a bag in the garage and they could earn it back.  Well, needless to say, this news didn't sit well with my highly sensitive daughter.  And to be fair, I should have presented this at a calm moment so the result was a meltdown rather than picking up toys.  On the flip side, my 3 year old did try to pick up toys.  In fact, he oddly commented that I was very smart.  (love that kid!)  But he couldn't do it all himself.  So I was left with plenty of toys to add to my bag -- A shopping bag I grabbed from the garage and just hung up on a hook already in the garage.  (No work involved here.)



After I put the kids to bed (my daughter feeling very sad), I wondered if I had made a mistake.  Would my daughter feel defeated?  Would my son even understand?

Well, the next morning, my daughter came upstairs and the first thing she asked was if she could feed the cat and earn a toy back.  Holy cow!  I was amazed.  Had I discovered something miraculous here?

That night they both asked if they could help set the table.  Why yes, you can!  Then, when I asked them to pick up toys before bed time, toys were picked up faster than ever.  It was amazing.  I only had to ask once, and I didn't help one bit. 

So since this consequence seemed to be so effective with picking up toys (and very easy for mom to execute), I decided to extend it to other rules.  We had created some new house rules.  And guess what?  Losing a toy of mom's choice is now the consequence for breaking 3 of those rules.  And where does the toy go?  Into the bag.

So now I've created this endless cycle of toys going into the bag and my children desperate to do chores to earn them back.  It is brilliant!  Last night both children happily cleared the table after dinner knowing they were earning a toy back.  It was the easiest clean up ever.  My son lost two trains trying to stay in bed at bedtime, but after losing two, he decided to cut his losses and just stay in bed.  Awesome.

What I've observed in the two weeks we have been doing this is this:
1.  Our kids are much more willing and eager to pick up toys
2.  Our kids are much more willing to look for ways to help and they happily accept offers to help
3.  They are following the other rules much better - listening and speaking nicely to each other
4.  Mom and dad are less stressed and burdened and happier
5.  The kids are less stressed and more willing to cooperate
6.  Life is happier!

And a simple shopping bag helped accomplish all of this.  Let me know if you try it and what happens at your house!


Wednesday, January 13, 2016

My New Year's Resolution? No Concealer in 2016.

Did you make a New Year's resolution?  I made one.  Frankly, I usually don't make any, because it's just something to be broken in 3 months.  But I decided there was one I could make and keep, because it supports my need to save time and make life a little simpler.  I resolved to not wear concealer in 2016.  Yes, yes, that does sound a bit shocking considering I'm 41, but I'm telling you, that's what I've resolved to do.  Why?  Because I can now.

About 6 months ago, a friend of mine asked me to coffee.  I knew she was selling a new skincare product (Rodan + Fields), so I accepted a little reluctantly.  You see I'm a drugstore skincare girl (Neutrogena, Burts Bees, and Cover Girl all the way).  I have been blessed with good skin, so I have never really seen a reason for buying expensive skincare or makeup.  And even when I've tried more expensive products just to see if they are magical, I really haven't seen a difference.  So I wasn't looking forward to having to politely decline her sales pitch.

We met and chatted and I prepared for the pitch.  It turns out Rodan + Fields is from the dermatologists who created ProActive.  That got my attention a bit.  After all, I used to work in pharmaceutical marketing and I had actually questioned our physicians once about why ProActive was different and actually worked.  I learned it worked because your skin needs all three steps to effectively treat the skin issues (in this case acne).  So you could use just one step (like the cleanser) and see some results, but it won't really work unless you treat your skin with all 3 steps.

Well, I didn't have acne, at least not a lot.  So did I really need this?  I explained that my skin was mostly fine.  My only imperfections (bc after all it was fine) were:
1.  The redness on my cheeks, which I had discussed with my dermatologist.  My dermatologist explained that was just broken blood vessels that are now more visible because my aging skin is getting thinner.  And basically, there is nothing I can do about it except wash my face with cold water and wear concealer.
2.  The circles under my eyes.  Again, mostly a result of thinning skin, not lack of sleep.  Not much I could do but apply concealer.
3.  Some oiliness I seem to have developed as I've gotten older.  I have to reapply powder several times a day to control it.
4.  2-3 pimples that show up every month...again, something that has come with age or a change in diet.  Concealer does the trick.
5.  Last but not least, my skin often gets irritated if I try anti-aging products.  I want to prevent wrinkles, but I'm always hesitant to try products because they might make my skin red and irritated.

She said, "It sounds like you have sensitive skin."  What?  Me?  No, it's normal.  Right?  Well, now that you mention it and I laid out all of my flaws, I guess I do have sensitive skin.  Okay, so what does that mean?

Conveniently, she said, "You should try the Soothe line of products.  It comes with a cleanser, a soothing cream, moisturizer, and sunscreen.  And then you could add some eye cream to it.  Soothe builds up the lipids in your skin, making it less sensitive and thicker.  Therefore, the redness and circles will diminish and you might be able to use anti-aging products."  Whoa.  Whoa. Whoa.  That sounds like a lot of money to solve a few imperfections.  I don't think so.  "But...out of curiosity how much would that cost?"

She pulls out her trusty booklet and calculates it and says it depends on how fast you use it but probably about $65/month.  That's crazy.  I'm not spending that much on skin care.  But wait, what do I spend now?  So being the business nerd I am, I pulled out some paper and calculated how much I spend right now.  I use Neutrogena toner ($5/month), Olay Regenerist serum ($18/month), Neutrogena anti-wrinkle eye cream ($18/month), Burts Bees sensitive moisturizer ($10/month), and Neutrogena Healthy Skin cleanser ($6/month), Neutrogena sunscreen ($8/month).  I added that up and surprisingly, it came to $67/month.  And it was 6 steps a day for $67 vs. 5 steps with Rodan + Fields for $65.

Interesting.   Do I have to commit to this?  No.  Can I cancel any time?  Yes.  Can I get my money back?  Yes.  Okay.  Defeated, I said, "I'll try it."  So my products arrive the very next day on my doorstep.  I do love that!  I started using everything.

The first thing I noticed immediately was the oiliness completely went away.  I could leave the house without even putting powder on.  But if I did apply powder, I could guarantee my skin wouldn't get oily at all that day.

Then, after about a month had passed, I realized I had not had a single blemish.  Not even a hint of one.  Huh.  Interesting.

After about 3 months, I noticed I hardly had to use concealer on my cheeks or under my eyes to conceal the redness or the circles under my eyes.  I was putting on powder and Chapstick and walking out of the house everyday feeling great!

You know what the cherry on top of this story is?  Soothe actually works to build up the lipids in my skin, making it less sensitive.  So next month I'm going to start the anti-aging treatment and start preventing some wrinkles!  I never thought that would be possible.

So hence, I came to my resolution of not wearing concealer in 2016.  If you see me (and hopefully admire my skin), you can know that it is all me.  Maybe some eye makeup and lipstick, but definitely no foundation or concealer.  You can also know that I'm saving $2/month, 1 minute a day (in application time), and a monthly trip to Target all to look even better than before!  Not bad.




If you're interested in Rodan + Fields, you can learn more here.

#noconcealer2016

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

For The Love Of Running

So I'll confess, this is a post from last year, but I decided to re-post it to kick off January.  We all need a little motivation in January, so hopefully this helps you if you made a resolution to exercise or run more in 2016!

It's that time of year - the time of year when lots of people decide to exercise more.  So for those of you considering taking up running for exercise, I thought I would offer a little inspiration.

I run.  I run a decent amount - 25 miles a week - but I'm by no means a competitive runner or even a marathon runner.  But I'm sharing my story because I went from absolutely hating running to really liking (not quite loving) running.  So it might help somebody else get over that initial hump of hate.

15 years ago, I couldn't run down the block.  I couldn't think of many things that sounded worse.  But out of peer pressure (I lived in San Francisco and was 1 of like 3 people who didn't run) and the desire to have something cool to say on a first date ("I'm really into running"), I decided to give it a shot.  First a 5K.  Then a 12K.  And eventually a half marathon.  I was disciplined in training and completed the goals.  But did I like it?  Not really.  I would rather be watching a Real World marathon (remember those?  great for hang over days).

I spent many years in cycles of running for a year and then, not running because my life got busy and stressful.  Then, I would push through the agony of being out of shape and start all over again.  Finally, I got really tired of pushing through that agony.  So tired that I stopped the cycle.  I finally realized starting over again sucks way more than just going out and exercising.  And truthfully, reminding myself of that is sometimes what gets me out the door for the run.

So you know what happened along the way?  I actually really found the love in running.  It is by far the best, healthiest stress reliever in my life!  I can do it anywhere with minimal gear.  And most importantly, it is the one place I don't hear "mommy" or a ding of a new email/text or the phone ringing (do not run with your phone).  And even if I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day or my day isn't going well, if I get a run in, I feel like it was a good day.  Love that!

Here are my words of inspiration to get you going today - 
1.  The pain of the run is less than the pain of being out of shape.
2.  Look forward to the 30+ minutes of no one being able to talk to you and ask you for something!
3.  And if you need a 3rd, buy some cool new running shoes or clothes.  That gives me a extra boost.