Part II of Our Family Overhaul - Dealing with Anxiety

I mentioned in my last post that we were doing a bit of an overhaul on our family.  What I meant was that we observed there were some things that were chronically not working.  Mom and dad were chronically exhausted managing the kids.  There were regular meltdowns (especially with our daughter), so she obviously wasn't happy either.  And if 3 out of 4 aren't happy, then, the 4th probably isn't happy either.  So rather than proceeding down the same path, we started trying to make some real changes.

The first thing we did was try to understand why yet again, our daughter was in a cycle of chronic meltdowns (when she's almost six).  You see her meltdowns appear to come out of nowhere.  They are usually not in response to not getting her way.  She can seem happy one moment and incredibly angry and hateful the next.  So we are always baffled by what happened and why she's so angry.  And we walk on pins and needles wondering when the next rage will come.

After much research (of course), the giant light bulb finally went off above my head.  She has anxiety.  I've heard anxiety discussed a great deal because my husband struggles with it and his mother struggles with it.  But I never thought about it applying to a 5 year old.  I knew my daughter worried - she has worried about death (her death, our death, the cat's death, etc.) ever since she learned a bug could die when she was three.  She has worried about not being good at things since she was a toddler.  She always worries about safety - her safety, our safety, mom and dad speeding, you name it.  But still, it never occurred to me that all of her anger and rage were actually just symptoms of her anxiety (not just stress but real anxiety).

So we started working with a child psychologist who specializes in childhood anxiety.  Suddenly, so many things made sense.  Anxiety is closely linked with sensitivity and giftedness.  The parts of the brain that function quickly, thus, taking in more stimulation also enable the child to have greater cognitive abilities.  But these increased cognitive abilities can also lead to anxiety.  Our daughter experiences emotions very strongly and she is also able to cognitively fear more mature things (like failure and death), but she's only 5.  She doesn't know how to deal with the emotions or fears going on in her head.

Here are some common symptoms of anxiety:

• Restlessness or feeling keyed up or on edge  
• (our daughter has always had a hard time being still and calm)
• Being easily fatigued  
• (our daughter needs more sleep each day than her 3 year old brother does)
• Difficulty concentrating or mind going blank 
• (our daughter is very easily distracted. sometimes appears like ADHD)
• Irritability 
• (our daughter is irritable for at least part of the day most days)
• Sleep disturbance 
• (our daughter frequently has night terrors)
• Our daughter also shows an unwillingness to be independent and do things for herself.  Things like getting dressed or asking her to play alone without mom and dad are constant battles at our house.

As the mommy and the one who has taken the primary responsibility leading our children, I can tell you that identifying a core problem and finding help has been such a relief!  I have to control myself whenever I talk to the counselor, because I just can't stop talking.  Finally, I have someone else who gets it and is knowledgeable and can offer real help.  That alone has relieved some of my stress.

But the other great thing is our daughter loves it.  Child psychologists don't make kids sit on a couch and talk about themselves.  They use play therapy.  Our daughter goes into a play room and plays with the therapist while the therapist tries to learn more about what is going on inside her little head. Our daughter can't wait to go every week.  In fact, she would happily go everyday if we could afford it.

So far we've learned she really doesn't have a strong sense of self.  I know that sounds a little silly for a 5 year old.  There are 40 year olds who don't have a strong sense of self.  But she has less than she should have at 5.  Now don't mistake this for lack of confidence.  Our daughter is the first one on the playground and in 5 minutes, she will have found her new best friends.  But that is because she's an extrovert not because she feels pride in her accomplishments.  And because she's an extrovert without a strong sense of self, she is very focused on receiving external praise and rewards regularly (like EVERYDAY).  For example, her teacher selects a "Diamond Student" each day which is loosely based on good behavior and giving each child a turn to be the teacher's helper.  Our daughter sees this as success and wants to be the Diamond Student everyday (which is impossible).  So if she is the Diamond Student, her day is great!  When she doesn't earn the Diamond Student position, her day is shattered.  She then becomes angry and acts out.  She instantly regrets this, which makes her even angrier and thus, it's a vicious cycle.  This lack of internal self esteem creates the fear of failure (AKA perfectionism) and the fear of safety and security (worries about dying, being kidnapped, mom and dad speeding, etc).  

So the bad news is she doesn't internalize her accomplishments and feel good about herself.  But the good news is we know what's driving all of this, and we can address it!

So step by step, we are learning to put new tools in place in our home that will help manage our daughter's anxiety.  I can tell you that within two weeks of starting therapy and changing a few minor things in our home, she has become a new child.  A calmer, happier new child.  And when she's calmer, we are all calmer.  

Stay tuned.  In my part III, I'll tell you all about Child-Directed Play.  I can save you a fortune in therapist bills:).