Neither my husband nor I grew up in privileged homes - at least in terms of money. I grew up in a typical 3 bedroom middle class home in a low to middle income school. My parents had saved enough money for me to attend a state school, but I earned an academic scholarship that paid for 90% of my tuition, room & board expenses. And I financed my graduate school. My husband grew up in a small town with a single mother who was a school teacher. He worked his way through college and business school.
Now we live in a nicer area and have a nicer home, and we are surrounded by others who have the same. I joke that my daughter thinks all homes have 20 foot ceilings and great rooms, because to be fair, most of the homes she sees have high ceilings and great rooms. I'm glad that my husband and I are able to provide our family a nice lifestyle, because we earned it. But our children haven't earned anything yet, and my greatest fear is that our hard work might leave them feeling entitled to this lifestyle. I fear they will not be adequately prepared to go out into the world and make their own way. I fear they won't have the drive and determination to build their own successes. Because guess what? Mom and Dad will not be financing their lives post college graduation. Period. In fact, one of my friends told me she and her husband aren't even going to tell their kids they have money to pay for college - thus, motivating the kids to get scholarships. Not a bad idea!
I feel so passionately about this subject, because I see adults struggling out there, because they didn't develop the right emotional skills to get them through life successfully. So now as adults they are unable to function independently. It's not just about them not having good jobs. They have unhealthy personal relationships and marriages They struggle with managing their physical and mental health. And they walk around asking everyone why these bad things happen to them rather than thinking about how they can change their path in life. These people need (or at least really want) others to finance their lives, do the "not-so-fun" things for them, and fix the problems they seem to encounter on a regular basis. We all know these people. We all get really tired of these people.
So I started researching the key characteristics I really want to instill in my children and think about what I'm doing every day to reinforce these characteristics.
1. Trust - When I first read this as a success characteristic, I thought it was a bit odd. But as I read more, it made sense. Without trust, kids will have a hard time building relationships, feeling confident, and moving forward. Obviously, the first place kids build trust is with their parents. The easiest (yet sometimes hardest) way for parents to build trust is to do what you say you are going to do. This is so important! Kids need to know they can trust that you are and will do what you say you are and will do. My parents were very good at this, and thus, I hold myself (and others) to a high standard here. I will admit that my husband is not always great at this and it's definitely something we have to work on.
2. Patience - Good things come to those who wait. Kids who learn patience are able to persevere and are more likely to succeed. This is a basic characteristic of emotional maturity. You have to be willing to endure unpleasant things in life (cleaning the house, paying your bills), recognizing they are part of the path to better things (not living in filth, still having a house). With young kids, the key here is not giving them everything they ask for when they ask for it. Sometimes that means they need to wait 30 minutes until dinner is ready. Sometimes that means they need to wait until Christmas to have a toy. Sometimes that means they need to keep practicing riding the bike until they finally get it. In our house we do fine with not instantly giving toys and rewards, but we struggle with making kids wait for food - enduring the whining and complaining while also cooking can often be more than we can take.
3. Responsibility - To succeed in life, says Doreen Virtue, PhD, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles and author of Your Emotions, Yourself (Lowell House), you need to know how to make commitments and follow through. Oh geez, this is such a big one with me! I CANNOT stand it when someone says they will do something and then, they don't. And they don't even apologize or acknowledge that they didn't uphold their commitment - I mean are you 5? Sorry, I digressed. As parents, I think first and foremost, we have to role model this. If we say we will play a game with our children after dinner, we have to follow through with that. If we tell our spouse, we will take out the trash, we have to take out the trash. And then, of course, we have to hold our kids to that, too. If they say they want to play soccer and decide they don't like soccer when they lose their first game, they need to fulfill their commitment and finish the season. My husband and I are both very responsible people. Our challenge as our children age is to always ensure they have age-appropriate responsibilities and we require them to fulfill those responsibilities. For example, our daughter is responsible for changing into her clothes and putting her PJs on the washing machine every morning. Sometimes I'm tempted to put the clothes on the washer myself, because it's faster when we are in a hurry. But I really should resist this urge. Teaching responsibility is much more important than saving 30 seconds.
4. Empathy - This skill is so important. It really prevents people from being narcissists or sociopaths. Narcissists and sociopaths can be very successful in the business world, but they will never have healthy personal relationships, because they can't consider anyone else's feelings or desires except their own.
Kids don't really become capable of putting themselves in another's shoes until somewhere between the ages of 3 and 6, so don't panic if your 2 year old doesn't care that he hurt his sibling. If you're curious if your child has developed empathy yet, you can do an easy test. Show your child a paper that has two different sides (i.e. one side is white and one side is black). Make sure the child understands there are two different sides. Then, show the child the white side and ask them what color you see (you can see black). If the child says "white," then, they haven't developed empathy yet. The child assumes you see what they see. If the child says "black," they have developed the ability to understand others can see things differently. Cool, huh?
From what I've read, the best way to teach empathy is to talk about it. If someone is hurt, talk to your child about how that other person is feeling. If your child hurts someone, ask the child how they would feel if someone did the same thing to them. At our house, we have this conversation A LOT when it comes to sibling interaction.
5. Self-reliance - This is perhaps the most effective attribute you can pass on to your child -- one that helps your child be patient, responsible, and self-sufficient. I would also contend this is where most parents fall short. Parents want to see their children succeed, because they hurt when their children fail (and they often have big egos themselves). Some parents also want to be needed or maintain control and thus, the parents do too much for their children. Letting your children do things for themselves and either fail or succeed is probably the best way to prepare your children for life. When kids fail, it will hurt. But after they fail a few times, they will realize that while failure isn't fun, they recover from it and go on to other better things. When kids do things on their own, they also learn to how to be resourceful and have confidence in themselves. They don't think they need a parent to help them succeed. As young kids, the best thing we can do is sit back and let our kids try and struggle. If it's clear, the child cannot accomplish the task, then step in. But make it a backup plan. They will often surprise themselves and you with their abilities! I speak from experience on this one. My daughter frequently gets frustrated and angry when trying something new, so I'm tempted to help to prevent a meltdown. But I'm wrong. She has to work through these struggles or else she will always expect someone to jump in and solve the problem when she whines (Heaven help us!).
My additional two cents is that I think it's important to tell your children your expectations of them and what you will provide to help them achieve that goal. Some parents' might expect their kids to graduate from high school. Some might expect their kids to graduate from college. Some may expect their kids to find their life long passion. And some may just expect their children to be happy and support themselves. However, you define success for your kids, I think it's important to state it out loud and continue to reinforce it. And then, I think it's important to tell them what you will commit to help them get there and stick with it. This is includes emotional and financial support. Personally, I think you are crippling your children by offering to financially support them once they leave home. If your children think there isn't a safety net, they are more likely to make more responsible, more independent decisions. As the saying goes, "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." And how many people learn to be expert fishermen if they know someone will give them a fish if they don't catch any that day?
Good luck, parents! Here's to raising independent kids who can loan you money one day (kidding, kidding).
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