What Your Friends Say About You

No, this isn't a post about gossip.  It's a post about who you choose to surround yourself with.  Do you know that you can accurately predict where you'll be five years from now? At least according to psychologists, you can.  Studies have shown that you can predict where you'll be going, what you'll be doing, and what your income level will be.  What is this Magic 8 ball, you ask?  It's your friends.  The people you associate with have a major impact and influence on your personal success. You can tell where you and your children are going to end up in life simply based on your friends.

In my life, my friendships have gone through phases based on where I was in my life.  In high school, I was very involved in the activities at our family church, so most of my friends came from church.  In college, I was very involved in my business fraternity, so most of my friends came from there.  After I graduated from college, most of my friends came from work.  Sometimes, I chose friends well.  Other times I didn't.  But I can definitely say that I was at my happiest when I was surrounded by good friends. 

My husband and I are at a life milestone now.  Our oldest child starts kindergarten in the fall.  She will be entering the world of public school and begin gaining more independence.  It's just the beginning of mom and dad having less influence and her friends having more influence.  Therefore, it has prompted us to ask ourselves - what do we want for our daughter and who are the people we want to surround our daughter and our family as we move forward in this journey?

First, we thought about what do we want for our daughter?  I mean she's five.  We aren't expecting her to go to Harvard and be a Nobel prize winner.  But there are characteristics we want her to have.   We want her to be kind.  We want her to be grateful.  We want her to have goals.  We want her to respect authority.  We want her to explore new things like sports and music. Last but not least, we want her to like herself and be confident. 

So that means we want to surround her with children who have (or are on the path to have) similar characteristics and values.  Now, it's probably socially inappropriate to interview 5 year olds when they come over for a play date to determine if they are a good fit.  And of course, my daughter can choose to be friends with whomever she wants when she's at school.  But I can still control who she spends her time with outside of school (at least for now).  So the best way to determine if my daughter's friends are a good fit is to look at their parents, right?

That prompted me to research what the parents of above-mentioned children look like.  It would be awesome if they came with sparkling gold stars on their heads, but unfortunately, I don't think that system has been created yet.  But I think there are characteristics you can look for that will let you know if you are going in the right direction.  Based on what I read, these are the characteristics I think are the most helpful.

Similar Values
Look for friends who have similar values as your family.  Every family has different values, of course.  You have to decide what your family's key values are.  For us, we value kindness, integrity (honesty), personal drive, accountability, humility, and gratitude.  So we want our child and family to find other people who prioritize those values in their homes.  This isn't always easy to determine.  It can take awhile to determine what people really value vs. what they say they value.  It's just important to always keep this in mind as you are getting to know people.

Stretch, Motivate and Encourage
Basically, you are looking for people who are empathetic and also confident enough in themselves that they want the best for you and your family.  They aren't worried about comparing what you are doing to what they are doing.  If your child wins the spelling bee, they think it's awesome!  They don't need to one-up you with their child's latest accomplishment.  If you get a promotion, they want to celebrate instead of telling you about the raise they got last week.  But they also want more for you.  They will encourage you and your family to aspire to better things.  Perhaps it's just working through family issues.  Or maybe it's encouraging you to make a very wanted career change.

Choose friends who are "get-it" people
This one requires some more explanation.  "Get-it" people are defined as people who understand how to set their own goals and work towards those goals.  Then, they hold themselves accountable for their actions.  Basically, you are looking for people who are doers.  They not only have ideas, but they actually execute their ideas.  They aren't consistently victims to the world around them.

Choose friends who can bring balance in areas where you are weaker
I really had to think about this one, but it makes sense.  My husband and I are "only" children, and we didn't grow up in big families.  However, now we have two children, and we want to make sure we are creating a family environment that encourages our children to love and support each other, not compete with each other. It's very helpful for us to be friends with people who grew up in a loving, supportive environment, because they have a lot of wisdom that we can lean on to help us build our family environment.  And hopefully, we have some helpful characteristics, too, to give to others.

Give what you expect to get
The previous characteristic leads to this one.  If you aspire to have great friends, you need to be a great friend.  If you are a person with integrity, drive, kindness, accountability, and gratitude, you are more likely to attract people with integrity, drive, kindness, accountability, and gratitude.

Wish us luck as we begin the independence journey with our children.  And I wish you the same!