My husband and I are about to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. 10 whole years. If you count the years before that, it's 12 years together. That's more than a quarter of my life. That's pretty amazing considering I wasn't sure if I would get married in the first place.
10 years ago, we lived in Ohio. We had a town house on the river in Cincinnati. We had two cats and no children, and we truly lived the Will Farrell's Old School quote -"Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time." We said that quote every Saturday after our weekly outing (honestly, it was usually Lowe's but pretty much the same). We took vacations regularly. We took fun weekend trips. We tried every new restaurant (even though there weren't that many in Cincinnati). We were still fairly hip.
So to honor our 10 years together, I reflected on what is different about us and our lives together now vs. who we were and what we did 10 years ago.
1. Earlier Bedtime
Then - A weekday date night consisted of watching 3 episodes of 24 and going to bed at 11:30.
Now - A weekday date night consists of watching 1 episode of the Daily Show and going to bed at 9:30.
2. Lots More Honesty
Then - If I needed to talk to my husband about something serious, I thought about it for days and worried about the exact right time to bring it up. Then, I would try to couch the issue in the nicest way possible and make sure he felt okay afterwards.
Now - Much more honesty and straight forwardness (is that a word?) now. No time for hedging and cushioning. Seriously, I'm lucky if I have 5 free minutes to talk, so when there's a gap in the conversation, the opportunity is seized. We have 2.5 minutes to discuss the issue and 2.5 minutes to solve the problem. It's all about getting it done.
3. No More Home Projects
Then - As I said, we spent our weekends at Lowe's and Bed, Bath & Beyond. I made my poor husband do a kitchen back splash that took him 20 hours, because I had a master vision. We spent our entire Thanksgiving one year painting diamonds on a wall. I often painted rooms 2 or 3 times, because I changed my mind on the color. I had seen every episode or every show on HGTV at least twice. I was in heaven!
Now - We haven't made any changes (even furniture changes) in our house since our son was born. And seriously, the thought of doing a home project seems so unappealing now. It took me 6 months to finally clean out the pantry and hallway closet. And btw, those accomplishments felt just as good as the back splash accomplishment.
4. It's Some Times Hard to Find Things to Talk About
Then - Everyday we had interesting conversations about our days at work. We also knew everything going on in the world. We knew the latest things happening in the city we lived in, and we had a lot more energy to discuss everything.
Now - I used to ask my parents if they ever just ran out of things to talk about. I couldn't imagine it. But I'm reaching a point, where I can see how that happens. We try not to just talk about our kids, but our kids and job pretty much consume 95% of our time, so we don't know nearly as much about the rest of the world to help us engage in interesting conversation. I realized this is why couples start double dating a lot - you need new people to share your old stories with.
5. We are Truly a Family Now
Then - In theory, once you get married, you are a family unit. But it still kind of felt like we were playing house. I mean I was committed and didn't want to get divorced, but if my husband suddenly went off the deep end...I might have been inclined to chalk that one up to "my mistake" and move on.
Now - Now we are committed. After 10 years of moving, buying and selling homes, changing jobs, struggling with familial relationships, having two children, going through the pain of infertility, going through lay offs, starting businesses, and really building a life together - we are in it for the long haul now. I remember a friend once saying, "If you make it through 10 years, you know you are compatible. After that, if you divorce, it's because someone really screwed up." That's how I feel now. One of us or both of us would really have to screw up to change things now.
6. Dinner Time Is Less Appealing
Then - I used to love dinner time. I sat at the bar drinking a glass of wine while my husband cooked. Then, we had a leisurely dinner and talked. The only bad part was the clean up.
Now - I just need to get through dinner time. If I can contain the kids while my husband cooks and everyone eats at least 25% of the food on the plate and no one goes to time out during dinner, that is an awesome dinner! And the clean up is literally my favorite part.
7. We Appreciate Our Date Time
Then - I used to wonder why my MIL asked me if we had a date night. I was thinking, "What are you talking about?" There is no one else in the house. Every night is date night.
Now - I truly understand why you need date nights once you have kids. The first 20 minutes are some times even awkward. It's like we're thinking, "Who are you? What do we do when we aren't chasing children?" Oh, you like other things besides trying to keep our children in line? Huh, who knew? By the end of the evening, I remember." Oh yeah. I really like you. I forgot that's why I dated you in the first place...not just because I knew you would be great at unloading the dishwasher and driving the kids to school."
8. We See Three Movies a Year
Then - We went to the movie at least twice a month. We watched 2-3 movies at home a week. I always wondered how people didn't know what movies were out. How did they not know Brad Pitt was in that new movie coming out Friday? They must have their heads in the sand.
Now - Seriously, we see no more than three movies a year at the theater. And you know what? I don't care. I usually don't even know what movies are out (hence, I don't miss them), and my life still manages to go on. I am looking forward to being able to add this activity back to our family life at some point, but it turns out, it's not as critical as I once believed.
9. We Are Both Better Communicators and Better Forgivers
Then - As I stated above, when there was a serious topic at hand, I thought about how to communicate it for days. Then, usually, it still didn't go as planned. And both of us were frustrated or angry.
Now - We have both learned how to leave emotional words out of these conversations. We have both learned to listen to the other one, and we have both learned to compromise and find a solution. We worry about who is right less (okay, this one is still hard). In fact, we've both learned the art of apologizing. Man, it makes everyone happier a lot faster! As Dr. Phil says, "Sometimes the relationship just needs a hero." We certainly aren't perfect, but we are much better. Probably why we are still married
10. We Know Where We Are Headed
Then - When we got married, we were fresh out of business school. We were both starting new careers. We had no idea where we wanted to live or if we wanted to have kids. We didn't know if we wanted to join a church or join a country club. And we didn't know what the other person wanted either. Granted, we probably should have attended some pre-marital counseling to discuss these things...but nevertheless, it worked out. But we had a lot of uncertainty and a lot of things to figure out.
Now - We found our home in Austin. We have both found our careers and professional futures (mostly). We figured out we did want to have kids - two, in fact. We know what kind of family, work life balance we want. Turns out we did want to join a church (but perhaps a country club is in our future too...guess we'll see). We even have a financial advisor and retirement plan in place. We've survived ups and downs and neither person walked out. It feels like we have our foundation and now we know where we are headed. That is awesome!
Life may be more stressful now and less leisurely, but it's full and it's meaningful and we are grateful everyday for it. After 10 years, I can say we have definitely set the foundation for building a life for our family that we will be proud of and that we will enjoy. And I'm so proud of us for doing it together. It's a great accomplishment, and there are many more great accomplishments to come.
To my husband, I say thank you! Thank you for loving me and wanting to marry me. I love you more now than I did 10 years ago. And I look forward to the next 40 (or 50) years together!
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