Part III of Our Family Overhaul - Child Directed Play

As I mentioned in Part II, our daughter is struggling with anxiety, and we have started seeing a child therapist who specializes in this.

Some unhealthy patterns have evolved over time in our effort to deal with the anxiety and outbursts.  We all had genuinely good intentions, but when you are are constantly living in anticipation of a rage that will completely disrupt your family's schedule that day, you start getting into unhealthy patterns.  Rather than parenting, you focus on keeping the anxious child calm and avoiding the rage.  By the time we went to see the counselor we realized we had inadvertently created patterns that were actually increasing the anxiety rather than decreasing it.  So how do we get ourselves out of this pattern without major family disruption?

The first thing our therapist asked us to implement is a technique called Child-Directed Play.  It's really quite simple, but it's very effective on many different levels.  Child-directed play (CDP) is a special form of one-to-one play between the parent and child in which the child directs and leads. CDP can be used with children who are between 2 and 10.  It should be slightly adjusted for the age of the child.

For us, the therapist asked us to introduce "special time" to our daughter.  The "special time" is 5 minutes Monday-Friday.  (We use Saturday and Sunday for make-up days.)  "Special time" is a guaranteed time no matter what.  If she behaves well that day or doesn't behave well, we still do "special time."  It is never taken away as a punishment.  Likewise, the time isn't increased for good behavior.  We do "special time" in a location where we don't normally hang out.  We let our daughter choose, and she chose to do it at her table in her bedroom.  Parents are not allowed to give direction or ask questions during special time.  Therefore, "special time" activities must be activities that don't require boundary setting, competition, or parental guidance.

We offer our daughter 3 choices each night and she can choose from those activities.  She usually chooses an art project (nothing too messy), playing with dolls, playing with Legos, or playing with her kitchen.  During this time, it's very important parents stick to language that allows the child to be in the lead.  Therefore, most of the parents' comments are reflective.  "So you are drawing a rainbow.  I'm going to draw a bug."  We don't ask her what she's drawing.  We don't comment on whether it's good or not.  We also don't outdo her.  So if she draws a rainbow, I don't draw a unicorn...which would make our daughter very insecure that her drawing isn't better than mom or dad's.  Last but not least, when the 5 minutes is up, the parent simply says, "Okay, special time is over.  If you want to finish your activity here, you can.  Or we can continue it together tomorrow at special time."  The parent does all of the cleanup unless the child just wants to help.  The key is it should be a very relaxed, pleasant time for the child.  It turns out it's also a very pleasant time for the parent, too, because the child is happy and relaxed.

An added note, we gave our daughter a calendar where she (not me) can keep track of who is doing special time with her each night.  She LOVES this.  It's another way she feels in control and understands exactly what is happening everyday.  I know it sounds weird for a 5 year old to love a calendar, but this is the nature of anxiety.

So far this activity has gone surprisingly smoothly at our house.  Our daughter did have a meltdown (although she was already angry) when the idea was first introduced.  She said 5 minutes wasn't long enough and demanded 10.  But once she realized she wasn't going to get her way, she accepted 5 minutes and has been happy with it ever since.  Ending the special time hasn't been hard either, and she really looks forward to the special time.  We do it after dinner, and she never forgets.  Even if there are other play options available like riding bikes or playing outside, she will happily stop those activities for special time.

Now what is this activity supposed to accomplish?  Well, this part of the activity is supposed to help with these areas:

• Build a sense of self-direction and self confidence in the child
• Foster child language and social development
• Reduce attention-seeking behaviors by allowing the child to receive focused attention from you without having to misbehave to get it
• Strengthen the parent-child bond
• Help the parent practice parenting skills (this is a great way to play with your kid at any time)

So far, we have seen significant improvement, and we are encouraged.  I think this is an activity every family (even if you don't have anxiety in your family) can benefit from.  We even do it with our 3 year old, and he likes it.

There's a second step to this activity, which is equally important.  I will tell you all about it next week!  Stay tuned.