I Don't Want to Be a Helicopter Parent...But Sometimes I Am

When we were kids, we rode our bike to our friends' houses...to the store...maybe even further.  I rode my bike on a busy street.  I walked down a busy street to go to the dime store (remember that?)...and I bought candy, not organic juice.  I would go to multiple friends' houses and all my mom knew was that I promised to be home by dinner time.  Oh the sacrilege.  But I have to admit, when I think about letting my child do those things now, I get nervous.  I get very nervous.

Our daughter is 6 now, and she is definitely spreading her independence wings.  And so it has made me question myself and how much freedom I should give her, how much she needs, and how to deal with my discomfort of letting go.

We live in a very safe neighborhood.  If you look at the sex offender website, there isn't a sex offender within 5 miles of us.  I think we have prepared our child for interacting with strangers.  We have taught her how to cross the street.  She is very mature and cautious for her age, and yet, I still feel nervous about letting her go out in to the world (the world being...our street).

Why is this?  I think it comes down to two things - too much information and too much judgment.  I'm not sure the world is really more dangerous today than it was 25 years ago.  I think we just have way more knowledge than we used to.  And we judge those who don't have the same knowledge.  For example, a couple of weeks ago, there was a post by the police on a local Facebook page letting everyone know an adult in a truck and attempted (albeit unsuccessfully) to lure a child into his truck after getting off the bus.  There's one part of me who says, "Awesome!  Thank you for letting me know.  Now my child is safer."   Then, there's the other part of me that thinks, "25 years ago I would have never had that piece of information and thus, ignorance would have given me peace of mind today."

Now let's just say I chose to let my daughter walk over to her friend's house after school by herself even though I knew there might be a creep in a 10 mile radius of our home.  And then, let's assume she did encounter the creep.  I am to blame, right?  Because I was made aware of the creep via my Facebook news feed, and I chose to still allow her to walk by herself in our neighborhood.

As parents, we all try to reassure each other that we should parent the best way we know how and not worry about judgment.  That's very easy to say when we are talking about kids throwing tantrums or watching TV or eating organic vs. non-organic.  When we start talking about child safety, judgment is a whole different ballgame.  You see as humans, when we see danger, we instinctively want to be able to rule out the possibility of that danger affecting us.  "My child would never have been approached by that creep, because I'm member of the right FB page, and I monitor that page, and I would have driven my child to her friend's house to ensure she was protected."  Whew.  I'm a better mom, and my child is safe.  But really what I also did there was say that any other mom who would have done it differently (and thus put her child at risk) is not a good mom.  And we all want to be a "good mom."

So what's the solution?  Our children clearly need freedom and independence to grow.  It's required to ensure our children leave home one day and support themselves (that should be motivation!).  I think as a society we need to be more supportive of parents who give their kids independence.  We should reserve judgment for those who abused their children not for those who simply encouraged independence.  And when bad things happen (because they do happen and they will happen), we should focus more on compassion for the parents and less on why it wouldn't happen to us.

But let's face it, changing society is a little out of our control.  So what can we do as parents to overcome this societal trend?  I think the best thing we can do is remember the adage - Don't remove the rocks in their path.  Teach them to navigate the rocks.  Sometimes this is really hard to apply as a parent.  It's easier to protect than to teach in the moment.  But if we are doing the best thing for our children, we really need to take all of our new-found FB knowledge and turn it into ways to prepare our children rather than protect our children.  I will be the first to admit I don't always do this, but I'm making a resolution to focus more on the preparation and less on the protecting.  And to maybe stay off Facebook occasionally too!

Men, Here's What We Really Want for Mother's Day

So it's May 4th and you still have a whole 4 days before Mother's Day, so if you are like my husband, you still have at least 3 days left before you need to think about Mother's Day.  But humor me and pay attention...just in case you want to plan ahead.  If you want to be an amazing husband, here's what you need to do on Mother's Day.  Be Mom.

Yep, that's it.  Now, making her breakfast, buying her flowers, and getting the kids to make something for mom would be amazing, too.  But really, the core of the gift is to be mom for the day.  Many of you may feel confused by what this really entails, so I'll be specific about your duties for the day.

1.  Get up with the kids and take care of them while mom sleeps in.
This step probably needs some additional direction (if you are anything like my husband).  Getting up with the kids doesn't mean getting out of bed, handing the kids a bag of Lucky Charms and then falling asleep again on the couch and secretly hoping the kids forget you are there.  It means you feed them something relatively nutritious (to avoid unnecessary sugar highs).  You make sure they take vitamins, medicines, etc....the things that are a part of the daily routine that you likely believe are mom's job to enforce.  Make sure breakfast is cleaned up - very important part of the process.  And then, supervise.  Yep, that means you referee, manage messes, generally engage with the kids while mom rests.

2.  Take care of the daily chores
This includes unloading the dishwasher, feeding the pets, running a load of laundry, making sure you have food to make lunches for Monday, etc.  These are very thankless jobs that it's easy to assume "someone" will take care of.  But if you want to be mom for the day, you should assume you are the "someone."

3.  Make sure the kids are dressed and ready for the day
Despite popular belief, young children don't usually initiate putting their clothes on or brushing their teeth.  They have to be given clothes, asked (often repeatedly) to put on given clothes, and then, supervised to ensure they complete the hair and teeth brushing process.  One of the favorite parts of moms' days is being the "bad cop" and managing this grueling process.  So dad, you will be a hero by being the "bad cop" for a day.

4.  Plan the day
This one is critical.  We need you to decide what we are doing that day.  Are we going to church?  Are we going to brunch (did you make a reservation)?  Are you cooking?  Are we going somewhere else?  Being the leader and decision maker is a tough job - lots of critics, few helpers.  So dad - give mom the gift of letting her be the critic for the day.

5.  Manage the children
Now this one may sound confusing.  You may be thinking - don't I always do that?  I'm the dad.  But to be specific, this one includes making the kids pick up their toys, enforcing rules about TV and tablets, refereeing sibling fights, making sure children make it through parking lots safely, etc.  Basically, think about what the kids are doing or need all day and worry about what you want to do after the kids are in bed.  That will cover it.

6.  Prepare for the next day
Last but not least, prepare for tomorrow.  A popular misconception is the day is over when the kids are in bed.  But no, Monday morning will come fast and furious and if you aren't prepared, the day could unravel early.  So Sunday night includes making sure homework is complete, backpacks are packed, the right clothes are laid out (is it a PE day?), and lunches are made.

There you go - 6 simple things that require no money or even pre-planning that will make the mom in your house the happiest mom in the neighborhood on Mother's Day!