Footloose and Carefree - 3 Whole Days With No Kids

I'm going to start by saying if you want to have kids, are trying to have kids, etc., don't read this.  I mean hopefully, a blog post wouldn't change your mind about what will be the most meaningful experience of your life.  But it might take some of the fun out of things.  Focus on cute baby outfits, fun family vacations, and someone little saying "I love you."

Now for the rest of you that are already in it -- read on.

As many of you know, this past weekend my husband and I had our first child-free weekend in over two years!  Two years!  I mean think about that.  That means both of us haven't slept past 7 AM in over 800 days.  We haven't chosen where we want to eat without factoring in if a playground is present and if they serve grilled cheese for two meals in a row in more than 28 months!  We haven't decided what to do on a Saturday without planning to be home by 1:00 for naps in 2 years!  We haven't gone more than 10 minutes without screaming in over 2 years (I meant kid screaming, not adult screaming, for the record).

Okay, I'll stop, because that list could go on.  My point is the weekend was freeing.  It felt beyond luxurious.  I was so, so relaxed!  We ate sushi (in peace) on Thursday night.  We ate Indian food (in peace) on Friday night.  We also took Uber and Lyft for the first time - they both rocked!  We went to a winery for a wine tasting and again had a lovely, peaceful Italian meal in the hill country on Saturday.  And the whole weekend I found myself feeling like I need to hurry up because ___.  Then, I would realize, no, in fact, I do not need to hurry up because whatever it is can wait.  I would like to say that by the end of the weekend I missed my babies so much, I couldn't wait for them to come home.  I could say that, but I would be lying.  Actually, I had to take a deep breath before I got in the car to go to Waco to pick them up.

So I kept saying to myself what lesson can I learn from this...how can I make life easier?  My first answer was I need to do lots of sucking up to mom and dad to ensure more of these weekends in the future.  But then I really tried to think of something I could do.  And you know what?  I didn't come up with anything.  Yes, I can eliminate unnecessary time commitments, which I have done.  But really, it's just a phase.  It's the phase where you have more than one child that needs help going potty, needs help cutting up food, needs help putting on shoes, needs help getting snacks, needs help (ha - they need more than help) cleaning up toys, needs to be told to not yell, needs to be told to not jump on the couch, and so on.  It's the phase where you have two children still learning how to get along with each other (I know...this never ends).  It's the phase where children create messes far faster than you can clean them up.  It's the phase where our list of family activities (where everyone can participate) includes - bounce houses, Chuck E Cheese, the pool, and the park.

And the lesson here for me is this phase will keep getting easier, so focus on that knowledge.  At least that's what everyone tells me - and you people, you know who you are.  You better not be lying.  But you know what else might help - to start planning for everything we are going to do when we aren't in this phase any more (the groundhog phase where everyday is just like the day before.  I mean, how many bounce houses can you possibly go to?  I just want to see an animated movie at the theater!).  So that's what we started doing.  We started planning for a mini family vacation for this summer, which seems so exciting.  And we started planning for a big family vacation the next year.  And that made me feel instantly better.

So I guess I did learn something here, when you can't take a phase any more - start planning for the next phase.  It might relax you enough to actually enjoy the phase you're in right now a little more!

Turns out I look like Cindy Crawford!

Hopefully, as we grow older one thing we care less about is the all importance of physical appearance, right?  That doesn't mean we gain 50 pounds and wear sweats all of the time, but hopefully, it means we don't define ourselves as valuable human beings based on 10 pounds.  Hence, I don't think about the topic of body image nearly as much now as I did when I was 25.

But I did pay attention to the recent Cindy Crawford photo that was posted by Marie Claire Mexico (Cindy Crawford photo).  Cindy has received a lot of praise for posting this, because it shows - well, it shows that shockingly, she is no longer a 25 year old.  And it isn't Photoshopped!  (It turns out the photo was actually posted without Cindy's permission, but given the praise she received, hopefully, she won't sue.)  I have to say when I first saw the photo, the first thing I thought was, "Awesome, she has loose skin on her stomach, too.  That makes me feel much better about mine."  And then I reveled for a moment in the fact that my body is not so crazy different from Cindy Crawford's, and I felt pretty good about myself.  After all, she's in pretty darn good shape!  I in no way thought ha - see Cindy - now you look old, too.  I just thought it was so refreshing to see an untouched photo.  And that's about all I thought about it.

Then, I read this article - Is Cindy Crawford's cellulite photo empowering?  I thought, heck yeah, it is.  What could this author possibly have to say?  So I read it. She criticized the masses for praising Cindy, because her belief is that people just want to feel better about themselves by glorifying Cindy Crawford's "flaws." Well, she lost me at "flaws."  That's the whole problem, right?  Because all we see are Photoshopped - completely unreal images, we believe that a stunningly beautiful 48 year old woman, who has had two children, has flaws if she has some loose skin on her stomach and some cellulite on her legs.  I argue that if we only saw un-Photoshopped photos, our view of perfection would change. And then, we wouldn't see flaws in a little cellulite, we would see normalcy.  We would see a very beautiful woman, not a woman who should be Photoshopped so that our eyes aren't distracted by her "flaws."

Nowadays I worry far more about these things because of my own self image and much more because of my daughter's future self image.  I know how hard it can be for girls to have a healthy body image.  I can do a lot at home to ground her, but the outside world will still have a great deal of influence on her.  I don't know what the solution is, but I'm all for supporting publications that print unedited photos.  I might even subscribe to one!  And I haven't subscribed to a magazine in 10 years...I mean, who has?

Moms and dads, what did you think about the photo?  And Peggy Drexler's article?

Moms, (okay, Dads can chime in too) Does This Sound Familiar?

Scenario 1
Me:  (In my head) How does he not see that I have two children screaming and they both need to get their shoes on and brush their teeth?  How is he completely oblivious and focused on his phone?
Husband:  (In his head) Should I trade Tony Romo?  How injured is he really?

Scenario 2
Husband:  I emptied the dishwasher.
Me:  Okay, thanks.
Husband:  I mean there was a lot of stuff to put away.  I did it all...without you asking.
Me:  Great.  Thanks.
Husband:  I even had to put away serving dishes, which was a lot of work.
Me:  I'm sorry.  You are fantastic!  That's amazing that you did all of that...without anyone asking.  Really, we wouldn't make it without you!

Scenario 3
Dad takes daughter to eat at Chick Fil A.
Older women in restaurant:  Oh, that is adorable!  What an awesome daddy.

Scenario 4
Mom takes daughter eat at Chick Fil A.
Older women in restaurant:  I guess she can't cook.  Well, I guess this is better than McDonald's.

Any of these scenarios sound familiar?  We all know the story.  Even in modern day equality, there are still more expectations on women than men to do the child rearing and house cleaning.  And if you are like me, it eventually gets to you.  Once the kids go to bed, I want to sit down on the couch and do nothing, too.  But there are still 5 things that need to be done in order to not start tomorrow in a time deficit.  Somehow my husband rarely seems to notice those five things though.  And if I ask him to help, then I owe him.  Because somehow these chores are viewed as things for me, not things for the house or the family.

We have had numerous conversations about assigning chores and responsibilities throughout our almost 10 year marriage.  It works for awhile and then eventually works it's way back to same old same old.

A couple of weeks ago, the leader of the mom group I attend made a great suggestion.  So I thought I would share.  It's so simple.  It actually came from an author, Rob Bell, who did some interesting research about what makes marriages thrive, survive, or die.  The primary determining factor between surviving and thriving was how each person responded to the other's bid.  What's a bid you ask?  Well, that's when you say something like, "Come here and look at this funny YouTube video."  Your spouse might be busy.  Might not think it's going to be interesting.  But he/she should stop what he/she is doing and come look at it, because it's important to you and makes you feel like your spouse cares about your interests.  Same goes for household chores.  "Can you unload the dishwasher?"  Instead of, "(sigh) Well, I was trying to watch the game, but I guess" they say,"Sure.  I'm happy to help out." Or for example, "I really want to eat Italian tonight."  Bad response - "Do we have to?"  Good response - "If you are in the mood for Italian, let's do it."  What a difference, huh?

To many women, this may sound like basic common sense.  But I found that when I presented it to my husband, it was like E=MC2.  A little light bulb went off.  So now he has made a direct connection between his response and how I feel.  And if his response is negative, all I have to say is "But honey, that's my bid" and he gets it.

We have only been doing this for a few weeks, so I don't promise that it solves all problems.  But it was so simple - a 2 minute conversation that has definitely had a good return so far!

Should Everyone Be Invited to the Party?

My daughter's birthday is coming up soon and every year it seems the party just gets bigger and bigger.  By that, I mean we invite more and more people.  I should mention that my daughter is turning 5.  That's right 5.  According to my mom, that means we should invite 5 kids (number of the age) to the party.  Well, in modern day world, it means we have to invite 20+ kids to the 5th birthday.

Why is that you ask?  Because it's not okay to leave anyone out.  There are 17 kids in my daughter's class, and we do know other people that don't go to her school, too.  So that brings us to 20+.
I feel very comfortable saying that's ridiculous.

So why do we do it you ask?  Because no one wants to be the mean person who leaves a child out.

So I decided to take note of all of the inadvertent consequences that come with this "invite everyone policy."  Here's my list:

1.  The parties are very expensive.  No one wants 20+ four-year-olds in their home.  So you rent out a play gym or bounce house to accommodate everyone.  This will also include all of the parents who then must attend to supervise, because you sure can't supervise 20+ kids.  And then, since the kids are doing something very active, you must feed everyone a meal.  So now you are buying lunch/dinner for 40-50 people (most of whom you don't even know).  Not to mention party favors for 20+.  From our experience, the average birthday costs $500-600.  That's ridiculous.

2.  Because the parties are very expensive, it puts a huge burden on those who can't afford to spend $500 on a birthday party.  Then, those parents are forced to overspend, come up with a cheaper option (which no one will attend, because it's usually far away), or just not give their kids a party.  Again, that's ridiculous and so unfortunate.

3.  The birthday child gets an insane number of gifts (20+).  That is completely unnecessary and really sets the bar high for all future birthdays.  Let's face it, it spoils the birthday kids.

4.  All of these birthday parties are a huge burden on families.  Do you know how many birthday parties we get invited to?  Well, at least 17 per child.  I have two children.  That's at least 34 per year.  That means if we attended them all, we would spend 34 of our 52 weekends a year at a birthday party instead of doing family things.  And if I spent $20 for each gift, that would equal $680 a year for birthday presents!  Need I say - ridiculous.

So I for one say, if your child is really a friend with my child, then by all means invite my child to the party.  But if they are just kids in the same class, PLEASE don't invite my kid to the party.  I assure you that my child and our family will be okay.  We won't be offended.  In fact, I will be thankful.  Of course, be kind about how you distribute the invitations.  Teach your child to be kind about talking about the party.  Use these as teaching opportunities.  But let's do away with the policy that everyone has to be invited.  The cons far outweigh the pros.