My Secret to Weight Management I Wish I Had Known Sooner

I have thought for a long time about writing this post, but I wanted to make sure I wrote it in the right way because weight loss and weight management is such a sensitive subject...so it's taken some time for me to get my thoughts organized.  And please keep in mind as you read this, this is about me and my experience.  It doesn't mean it applies to everyone.

Like many people, I have struggled with losing weight and maintaining weight at many points in my life.  But what I wanted to share isn't a "this is how I lost weight and so can you story" but rather a secret that I learned when I was 32 that really freed me in my journey to maintain my weight.  And I don't think it's something that's said out loud and in a positive way very often.

So here's my quick background - Around age 8 or 9, I started becoming a chubby kid.  I heard people call me chubby.  I knew how I was perceived, and sadly, I began the self-identification of "I'm a chubby girl."  Luckily, I grew about 3 inches when I was 11, and I started junior high with a thinner looking body.  But in my mind, I was still a chubby girl.  I continued on my path through high school with that feeling (although I can clearly look back at those pictures and see that I wasn't chubby).  But that's not my point.  In college, I gained the freshman 10 and never lost them.  Then, through my early adult years, I gained another 15.  And eventually at the age of 25 or 26, I stepped on the scale and saw the number 170 (if you don't know me, I'm 5'8").  Now I don't claim to relate to being morbidly obese.  I haven't experienced that.  But I was medically overweight and that was my breaking point.  Thus, I had my first intro to Weight Watchers.  It worked well for me.  I lost 30 pounds and became a "thin or normal sized" girl.  After a year or so of maintaining that weight, I did begin identifying myself as thin or normal sized rather than chubby, which was positive.

But of course, I continued to struggle with maintaining my weight.  Every time I had a change in routine or stress in my life, I found myself sacrificing exercise and eating more and thus putting on 10 pounds that I had to lose again.   At the age of 31, newly married (with a husband who cooked yummy food in large portions) and adjusting to a new, very demanding career, I found myself again trying to lose 10 pounds.  I started working out with a trainer.  A trainer who was thin and fit and active and everything I envied.  She was the type of person I had always believed just naturally stayed thin and never thought about it.  So as I was working out, I was having a little pity party for myself and commented to the trainer that I wished I didn't have to keep stressing about my weight and that I could just naturally stay thin.  She looked me straight in the eye and said, "Don't we all. I wish I didn't have to think about it either, but it's just a part of life."  Now picture an enormous light bulb going off above my head.  I was thinking, "What?  You think about this?"  How could that be?  I had always believed there were the unlucky people with not so good genes who had to work at it and the lucky people with great genes that just naturally fit into a a size 2.  Suddenly my world was turned around.  How could this thin, fit person be telling me that she struggled with her weight, too.  Wow!  Why have I never heard this?  Well, because thinner people don't want to complain about their weight issues around heavier people.  The thinner people don't want to sound petty or be disliked.  Thus, it creates this perception to the heavier people that thinner people are just magically thin.  Duh.

So this is the point of my post - this was the most freeing moment!  From then on I realized, there weren't two clubs of people in this world - those who struggle with weight and those who don't.  Some may be having more success than others, but we are all in the weight-struggling club.  We are all fighting the good fight.  Now when I'm watching people eat salmon and broccoli for lunch, I'm not thinking, "Man, they are so lucky.  They just naturally want to eat salmon and broccoli every week."  I understand that they too, might like to have the burger, but just like me, they are fighting the good fight the best they can.

Now this knowledge hasn't magically cured me.  I've had ups and downs. I peaked out at 200 pounds during both of my pregnancies.  But with this knowledge (and Weight Watchers, a lot of Candy Crush, and Real Housewives), I eventually got back to my goal weight of 135 each time and I didn't feel alone or excluded.  I didn't feel like there was something wrong with me.  I wasn't different from anyone else.  And I didn't feel tempted to give up, because I thought my unlucky genes had destined me to a fate of being overweight.  I just knew this was part of life - like learning to ride a bike or getting a job.  I just needed get back to the fight.

So today at age 40, I weigh 140 pounds (5 pounds over my goal thanks to lots of Halloween candy, holiday food, and not effectively managing my stress).  But I'm still fighting that fight to get back to 135 everyday.  And I hope everyone reading this, no matter where you are in your health and fitness journey, knows that whether a size 2 or a size 26, we are all fighting the good fight everyday!

P.S. If you are wondering what Candy Crush and Real Housewives have to do with this.  They are my go-to stress relievers every night instead of the food in the kitchen.  Man, they are awesome guilty pleasures!

Sleep - Everyone Wants It Except Kids

A friend of mine asked me the other day if we ever had problems with getting our kids to sleep at our house.  I said, "Are you kidding me?  They put themselves to bed.  They love it.  No problem."  Ha, ha, ha.  Yes, of course we have had sleep problems.  It's a rite of passage with children, right?

So I decided to write a post about our experiences and how we have worked through them at our house.  Please let me state that I am in no way saying I'm a sleep expert or that what we do at our house should be done at everyone's home.  That's what makes this hard.  If you could just read it in a manual, no one would have sleep problems.  But since every kid and every family is different, everyone has to figure out what works for their family.  I also have a daughter who very easily stimulated and very extroverted and would choose to never sleep if that was an option.  Yet ironically, she needs sleep more than most children to balance out her over-stimulation.  So if what what we do to ensure adequate sleep seems a little extreme to some, that's okay.  It's what works for our daughter but might not be applicable to everyone.

At our house, sleep is our #1 priority.  By that I mean everyone sleeps in his/her own bed all night, every night.  I encourage healthy eating and limited screen time (which are other big ones), but in weak moments, I can be talked into Starbursts and another episode of Sophia.  But I can never be talked into co-sleeping or not sleeping.  For me those two things are one in the same, it's hard enough sleeping with my husband - put another human in the bed and forget about it.

Our five year old daughter was an awesome sleeper until about 2.5.  At that point, she developed enough bravery to venture upstairs by herself in the dark when she woke up.  Ever since then, we have battled staying in the bed.  It isn't constant.  We usually have a period of 6 months when all goes smoothly, and then, she decides to challenge us again or there is a change in routine (i.e. going on Daylight Savings Time) and it takes a few weeks to return to "staying in bed mode".  We've had periods where she gets out of bed 2-3 times a night, because she just likes to be with mommy and daddy.  No one gets sleep.  It's like returning to newborn sleep deprivation mode, which isn't healthy for anyone.  She's cranky.  Mommy and Daddy are cranky, and that is just a downward spiral.

So here's how we manage and maintain staying in bed --

1.  She has an owl.  They make a lot of "time to wake up" clocks, but we have the owl (Wake Up Owl).  It's set to turn green at 7 AM and our daughter knows she isn't allowed to come upstairs until it's green.  She can get out of bed and play in her room but she cannot come upstairs and wake up mommy and daddy.

This has been a surprisingly successful tool at our house for over 2 years.  If you have a kid who likes to sleep in, you don't need this.  But if you have a kid, who likes to get up earlier and earlier, this thing rocks!

2.  One of our daughter's responsibilities on her daily responsibility chart is staying in her bed.  This helps set and reinforce the expectation everyday.  That way even when she gets out of her bed, she knows she breaking a rule.

3.  We build our daily schedules around sleeping to ensure she doesn't get over-tired.  Being overtired actually makes it harder to sleep at night.  Our daughter at age 5 still needs a nap most days.  She doesn't want to take one, of course.  But she is required to do so to live in our house:).
Sadly, we are always the first people to leave parties, because bedtime is 7:30 and we rarely sacrifice that.  Our daughter wakes up at 6:45 or 7:00 everyday no matter what time she goes to bed, so she goes to bed at 7:30 to make sure she gets at least 11 hours of sleep each night.

4.  We empower her to make herself feel safe and secure at night if she has a bad dream.  I know this is a hard one and may be a controversial one.  I struggled with this the most, because I could vividly remember feeling so scared and being so mad at my mom that she wouldn't let me sleep with her.  Didn't she understand how scared I was?  You have to know your child here.  If my child knows that using the bad dream excuse entitles her to come upstairs in the middle of the night every night, she would do it EVERY night.  Therefore, it's not a valid excuse at our house.  She has her buddies, her blanket, her music, her nightlight, and her books that she can use to comfort herself and distract herself from nighttime fears.  We talk about that list and how to use them regularly.

At our house valid reasons for coming upstairs are - a fire, someone has broken into the house, someone is hurt, or there is a tornado outside.

I will say the one exception I make to this is thunderstorms.  I know they really scare our daughter, and they fortunately, don't occur every night.  I'm much more sympathetic on these occasions.  But amazingly, these above mentioned tools have mostly made her conquer the thunderstorm fear.  Now she loves to come upstairs in the morning and brag that she braved the storm by herself!

5.  Other excuses we've heard that are not valid -

• I'm hungry - We don't eat in the middle of the night at our house.  Period.
• I'm thirsty - We always leave a sippy cup of water on her night stand in case this happens.
• I don't have ____.  I can't find ____.  - Either look for it yourself or wait until tomorrow.
• I have to go potty - Then, go by yourself.  There is a night light in the bathroom.

6.  What do we do when she does come upstairs?  Ah - we learned this from Super Nanny.  We don't talk to her or engage with her.  We take her downstairs and put her in her bed and leave.  The more engagement our daughter gets the more she wants to come see us.

7.  Last but not least, how do we enforce these rules?  Once the pattern of getting out of bed begins occurring, I usually attempt to incent her to stay in her bed.  "Stay in your bed 5 nights in a row, and you get a trip to the Candy Jar."  But to be honest, it usually requires a consequence in order to return to normalcy.  The incentive isn't powerful enough for her.  Or she does achieves the goal once but wants to keep having the incentive to keep staying in her bed - uh no.  For my daughter, the consequence that works is she believes I will lock her door if she breaks the rules.  Of course, I won't do that.  I don't even have the means to execute that.  But frankly, it doesn't matter.  She believes that I can and that I will and that is enough incentive for her to stay in her bed.

Those seven simple (I say laughingly) steps are how we ensure everyone gets sufficient sleep every night at our house.

Now because this is very complicated to manage, our 2 year old still sleeps in a crib.  We haven't gotten up enough courage to manage two kids through this yet!

What other good sleeping tips do you have?

BTW, of the sleep books we've read through the years, I found that Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth. has had the greatest impact in our knowledge of how sleep works.  It has given us the confidence to enforce our rules and boundaries.  I read it before our daughter was born, and I still reference it occasionally.

Easy Entertainment at Home

Awhile back I said I would post easy ideas for keeping kids occupied (particularly toddlers) at home.  Two weeks ago, my husband had an ingenious idea that is still working today.  Balloons!

We had some left over balloons from who knows what in our craft closet.  Out of desperation one Saturday morning when it was cold and raining outside, my husband pulled one out and blew it up for our two-year-old son.  Our son thought it was awesome.  That of course, brought our daughter in to check it out.  She wanted a balloon, too.  So eventually 6 or 7 balloons were blown up to various sizes.  We pushed back the ottoman/coffee table in the living room and the kids spent 30 minutes hitting the balloons in the air, tossing them back and forth, just having fun.

I figured that would be the end of the balloons.  But the kids wanted to keep them, so we hid the balloons behind the couch in case they wanted to play with them later.  Well, it's two weeks later and the kids are still pulling out the balloons every evening to toss around.  And the extra bonus, mom and dad can sit on the couch, rest and relax, while hitting the balloons back and forth with the kids.

See who needs expensive toys and entertainment?  A bag of $.99 balloons is all kids need!

Bully-proofing Isn't Just for Bigger Kids

Bullying is a very popular topic these days and for good reason.  However, I really felt like we still had a few more years before I really had to deal with it.  My daughter just turned five.  She's happy and outgoing and loves school and her friends.  Life is very innocent at this stage.  But the other night, she did something that made me realize she has already experienced bullying.

You see there used to be a girl in my daughter's 3/4 year-old pre-school class, who on the surface, looked pretty and adorable.  Let's call her Beatrice.  But it turns out she was a big bully.  And she picked on my daughter, because my daughter was outgoing and liked by other kids.  Beatrice was threatened by her.  A friend of mine witnessed it one day on the playground - it was a shoulder bump on the playground when no one was watching.  My friend was shocked that my daughter (who lets me know if anyone slightly touches her) didn't do a thing.  In the following weeks, we talked to our daughter about Beatrice and learned that she wasn't very nice.  So we tried our best to coach our daughter to deal with Beatrice in an appropriate way - I mean they were only 4.

Fortunately, at the start of pre-K, Beatrice was no longer at the school.  And since then, she has no longer been a topic of conversation at our house.  I really wasn't sure if my daughter even remembered Beatrice.  The other night, we were watching old family pictures on our TV and a picture of Beatrice popped up.  Our daughter instantly stood up and yelled, "I hate her!"  "Hate" isn't a word we use at our house, and I have never heard my daughter use that word when speaking about another person.  I realized instantly what an impact Beatrice had had on my just 5 year old daughter.

So it got me thinking - what should we be doing as parents now to prepare our young children to recognize bullying and feel confident talking about it with parents and teachers.  I came across an article that offered some really helpful advice.

1.  Start Early (age 3 or 4)

• Ensure they understand the difference between thinking, feeling, and action.  
• At the dinner table, start by asking your child to tell them 3 good things that happened to them that day.  
• Once they master that, start asking them to tell you 3 good things that happened to other people that day.  
• Once that is mastered, the final step is asking them to tell you 3 things they did that worked out well and 3 things others did that worked out well for them.  
• This exercise will help your child differentiate between their thoughts, actions and feelings and other's thoughts, actions, and feelings.

2.  Develop a sense of self

• This one is pretty common sense, but obviously critical.  Confident kids are far less likely to be bullied.
• The key here is really recognizing who your child is and affirming that.  For example, my daughter is strong-willed, enthusiastic, curious, sensitive, and caring.  We as parents need to consistently affirm those characteristics - let your child know that being strong-willed (but not disobedient), enthusiastic, sensitive, etc is awesome!  And hopefully, they will develop a sense of pride for being who they are and not be tempted to alter who they are.
• I will say this one seems easy, but even as I wrote it I realized I have lots of room for improvement here.  For example, our daughter is super curious and asks 100 questions a day.  I get exhausted answering the questions and sometimes I show that.  I need to remember to tell her, "It's great that you are so curious, but mommy needs to focus on something else right now. I will answer your questions in 5 minutes."

3.  Encourage your child to be courageous

• This doesn't mean they need to go skydiving or climb Mt. Everest.  But it means you encourage and praise them for showing good character when no one is watching or when no one asked them to.  This will teach them to speak up if they or someone else is being bullied.

4.  Develop overlapping circles

• This probably happens naturally, but it's very important!  Make sure your kid has more than one group of friends.  That way if one group turns negative, your child isn't heavily influenced by that group, because your child knows he/she has other friends to rely on.  

5.  Develop physical confidence

• Last but not least, make sure your child is involved in something athletic that builds their sense of hand/eye coordination, so they feel like they can physically protect themselves.  Most people probably think of martial arts for this, which is great.  But the key is it's something that makes the child feel confident enough that they don't look like prey to bullies.

One last lesson learned from me.  I look back on this now and think why didn't I talk to the school?  Well, I thought I would look like a crazy helicopter mom claiming a cute 4 year old girl was bullying my kid.  And much of what I knew was hearsay and from the words of a 4 year old.  I also knew the parents wouldn't do anything because I had witnessed them demonstrate the same behavior.  And the teacher was the girls' after school and weekend babysitter, so I wasn't optimistic the teacher would intervene.  And last but not least, I didn't have a lot of confidence in the school's director to make a positive change either.  I'm still the parent, and I still should have found a way to speak up and make sure the situation was addressed instead of just hoping this would get better with a new teacher and a new school director (BTW, both were fired).  But it also highlights how this goes on (even with 4 year olds) and adults don't stop it. 

Good luck!  May the kids and parents outsmart the bullies (and their not-so-great parents) out there!

Source - CNN, Katia Hetter