Bully-proofing Isn't Just for Bigger Kids

Bullying is a very popular topic these days and for good reason.  However, I really felt like we still had a few more years before I really had to deal with it.  My daughter just turned five.  She's happy and outgoing and loves school and her friends.  Life is very innocent at this stage.  But the other night, she did something that made me realize she has already experienced bullying.

You see there used to be a girl in my daughter's 3/4 year-old pre-school class, who on the surface, looked pretty and adorable.  Let's call her Beatrice.  But it turns out she was a big bully.  And she picked on my daughter, because my daughter was outgoing and liked by other kids.  Beatrice was threatened by her.  A friend of mine witnessed it one day on the playground - it was a shoulder bump on the playground when no one was watching.  My friend was shocked that my daughter (who lets me know if anyone slightly touches her) didn't do a thing.  In the following weeks, we talked to our daughter about Beatrice and learned that she wasn't very nice.  So we tried our best to coach our daughter to deal with Beatrice in an appropriate way - I mean they were only 4.

Fortunately, at the start of pre-K, Beatrice was no longer at the school.  And since then, she has no longer been a topic of conversation at our house.  I really wasn't sure if my daughter even remembered Beatrice.  The other night, we were watching old family pictures on our TV and a picture of Beatrice popped up.  Our daughter instantly stood up and yelled, "I hate her!"  "Hate" isn't a word we use at our house, and I have never heard my daughter use that word when speaking about another person.  I realized instantly what an impact Beatrice had had on my just 5 year old daughter.

So it got me thinking - what should we be doing as parents now to prepare our young children to recognize bullying and feel confident talking about it with parents and teachers.  I came across an article that offered some really helpful advice.

1.  Start Early (age 3 or 4)

• Ensure they understand the difference between thinking, feeling, and action.  
• At the dinner table, start by asking your child to tell them 3 good things that happened to them that day.  
• Once they master that, start asking them to tell you 3 good things that happened to other people that day.  
• Once that is mastered, the final step is asking them to tell you 3 things they did that worked out well and 3 things others did that worked out well for them.  
• This exercise will help your child differentiate between their thoughts, actions and feelings and other's thoughts, actions, and feelings.

2.  Develop a sense of self

• This one is pretty common sense, but obviously critical.  Confident kids are far less likely to be bullied.
• The key here is really recognizing who your child is and affirming that.  For example, my daughter is strong-willed, enthusiastic, curious, sensitive, and caring.  We as parents need to consistently affirm those characteristics - let your child know that being strong-willed (but not disobedient), enthusiastic, sensitive, etc is awesome!  And hopefully, they will develop a sense of pride for being who they are and not be tempted to alter who they are.
• I will say this one seems easy, but even as I wrote it I realized I have lots of room for improvement here.  For example, our daughter is super curious and asks 100 questions a day.  I get exhausted answering the questions and sometimes I show that.  I need to remember to tell her, "It's great that you are so curious, but mommy needs to focus on something else right now. I will answer your questions in 5 minutes."

3.  Encourage your child to be courageous

• This doesn't mean they need to go skydiving or climb Mt. Everest.  But it means you encourage and praise them for showing good character when no one is watching or when no one asked them to.  This will teach them to speak up if they or someone else is being bullied.

4.  Develop overlapping circles

• This probably happens naturally, but it's very important!  Make sure your kid has more than one group of friends.  That way if one group turns negative, your child isn't heavily influenced by that group, because your child knows he/she has other friends to rely on.  

5.  Develop physical confidence

• Last but not least, make sure your child is involved in something athletic that builds their sense of hand/eye coordination, so they feel like they can physically protect themselves.  Most people probably think of martial arts for this, which is great.  But the key is it's something that makes the child feel confident enough that they don't look like prey to bullies.

One last lesson learned from me.  I look back on this now and think why didn't I talk to the school?  Well, I thought I would look like a crazy helicopter mom claiming a cute 4 year old girl was bullying my kid.  And much of what I knew was hearsay and from the words of a 4 year old.  I also knew the parents wouldn't do anything because I had witnessed them demonstrate the same behavior.  And the teacher was the girls' after school and weekend babysitter, so I wasn't optimistic the teacher would intervene.  And last but not least, I didn't have a lot of confidence in the school's director to make a positive change either.  I'm still the parent, and I still should have found a way to speak up and make sure the situation was addressed instead of just hoping this would get better with a new teacher and a new school director (BTW, both were fired).  But it also highlights how this goes on (even with 4 year olds) and adults don't stop it. 

Good luck!  May the kids and parents outsmart the bullies (and their not-so-great parents) out there!

Source - CNN, Katia Hetter