Purple bow background

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

One More Simple Thing That Has Changed Our Lives

In our quest to create better family patterns that better manage our daughter's anxiety and ensure that our family life doesn't revolve around her anxiety, we decided to revisit our family rules.  We have used a responsibility chart (which largely focused on behaviors) with our daughter since she was two.  It really works well with her.  But when our son began walking and moving, the dynamic changed.  Suddenly, our daughter saw her previously immobile brother getting a lot of attention, because we were trying to keep him from killing himself.  But in her eyes, all she saw was "It's not fair."  Fairness is HUGE with her.  And her need for everything to be fair continued to "what rules her brother had to live by" vs. "what rules she had to live by".  Of course, we can't expect a 14 month old to adhere to the same rules that our then 4 year old had to live by.  So we consciously chose to not have family rules.  We just tried our best to rationalize with our daughter and explain that her younger brother wasn't capable of following the same rules that a big girl could follow.  And that, of course, we had different expectations of her when she was younger, too.  She would reluctantly accept that, but I knew in her heart it still didn't seem fair.

Well, now our son is finally three and capable of living by the same rules his sister has to live by, so we created family rules.  Not only did we define them, we wrote them down and wrote down the consequence for each rule.  I have to admit, this helps mom and dad, too.  Because I regularly reference the chart for the consequence.  Our daughter LOVES this chart.  It means everyone has the same rules (which is fair).  It's clearly stated and no one can change it.  And she knows EXACTLY what will happen to her and her brother if the rule is broken.  Here's our rule chart:


Now before you get concerned (or judge), locking the door is temporary.  For our son, it takes about 30 seconds to do the trick.  For our daughter, it takes about 5 seconds.  But yes, we do have locks on the outside of our kids' doors for this reason.  Honestly, just putting the lock there almost solves the problem alone.  We hardly ever use it with our daughter.  And they both know there are valid reasons for getting out of your bed (i.e. you're sick, the house is on fire, someone broke into the house, you pooped in your diaper).  Invalid reasons include "I hear footsteps upstairs" when the child clearly knows mommy and daddy are walking upstairs.  Or "I forgot to tell you that I need more crackers for my lunch."  Or "I don't want this book in my bed."  You know the routine. And if you didn't read my earlier post, the toys they lose go into a toy bag in the garage.  They can earn their toys back by doing a chore or helping out in some way.

We now track these behaviors on each child's behavior chart.  They get a magnet for each rule they didn't break that day.  If the child gets all of his/her magnets for the day, he/she gets a reward - an extra story at bedtime.  And we also have an added bonus, which was requested by our daughter.  We have a combined chart with just their names on it.  If the child doesn't break any rule that day, he/she gets a star on the combined chart. If the child gets all of his/her stars for the week, he/she gets an extra toy from the toy bucket on Sunday.  (Our toy bucket is a bucket of junk from the $1 aisle at Target.  Whenever we go to Target, I let them "shop" the $1 aisle and everything they choose goes in to the toy bucket to earn.)

We chose these rules, because they address the majority of moments in our house that cause extra anxiety and exhaustion (for mom and dad AND the kids).  It took our daughter 2 minutes to understand the rules and consequences.  It took our son 2 weeks.  But nevertheless, they both got it.  They just had to see the rules enforced a few times and instantly behaviors started changing.  I can also see in our daughter how affirming it is that she isn't being held to a different behavior standard than her brother is. There wasn't much we could do about that, but it's a great bonus to now have him be a little older.

So far this new rule formality has really created a positive environment for our daughter.  She loves the structure!  She loves the positive rewards that she can earn.  That is such a motivator for her.  This system has not created any extra work for us, and we are loving the new peace in our home!

This is an ongoing process, so stay tuned for more...

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Part IV - Getting Your Children to Listen to You Without Yelling

We all know that yelling is completely ineffective with children and yet we all do it at some point.  Parenting is exhausting and frustrating and you reach your creative wits end and bam...yelling takes over.  At that point, it's a downward spiral.  We have definitely had many, many, many of these moments.  All it does is increase everyone's anxiety.  So what is that magical thing that some parents do to get their kids to behave without yelling or spanking?

Well, here's how we did it successfully--
As I mentioned in Part III of our family overhaul, first we implemented "special time" where our daughter essentially led play time with one parent for 5 minutes every day.  Once we had clearly established this routine and she began to calm down and trust us, then, we implemented the second part of "special time."  The second part is all about everyone re-learning how to give and receive commands.  That's right - commands.

So how does this work?  You introduce the idea of extending "special time" to 10 minutes, but the 2nd half of the play time, mom or dad will practice giving the child a command (i.e. Put all of the blue beads in this jar.).  The child must follow the command or they go to time out or "special time" ends.  It's really up to the parent to decide which consequence is more effective.  We felt that time out might actually encourage our child to disobey to extend the special time.  So we chose that special time ends.  Worked great.  We have never had to use it.

Anyway, so there are some clear guidelines for this process.  First, what is a command?  You tell the child exactly what you want them to do in a sentence.  For example, "Put the doll back in the doll bed please."  You do not ask them a question like, "Would you please put the doll in the doll bed?"  That implies to the child they get to have a choice in this.  They don't.  You are the parent and you are in charge.  You also should instruct them with what you WANT them to do and not what you DON'T WANT them to do.  For example, "Walk please," instead of "Don't run."  Also commands like "Calm down," or "Cut it out" are very ineffective because they aren't specific enough.

The next question - what is considered compliance by the child?  If you ask the child to put the doll in the doll bed and she first goes to book shelf and grabs a book....and then puts the doll away, that is not compliant.  If she puts the doll away but stomps her feet all the way over there, that is compliant.  The child doesn't have to be happy about following the command but he or she must do it and without any dwaddling or stalling.  When the child follows the command appropriately, praise them!

The purpose of all of this is for mom and dad to practice giving commands the correct way.  And for the child to practice following commands without instinctively feeling anger or frustration.  Our daughter had no problem following commands in special time.  It felt like a game to her.  So we quickly integrated this approach into everyday life.  Sometimes she tries to resist, but once we remind her this is a command, she falls in line.  In fact, she frequently corrects us when we don't state a command correctly.  "Mommy, you said, 'Can you go get your shoes?'  You should have said, 'Go get your shoes please.'"  Noted.

Our house isn't perfect and the kids still test us, but this technique has reduced yelling in our house by 90%.  Now the only one yelling is our 3 year old <sigh>.  After all, this is a helpful tool, but not a miracle cure.

A bit of a side-bar here -- After going through this exercise, I realized our generation makes this mistake a lot.  I don't know why.  We think we are just being calm and polite by phrasing commands as questions.  But we are really just teaching out children that their opinions and input are needed all of the time.  Therefore, when we suddenly get mad because they didn't do what we asked, it's a confusing to them.  You can still be calm and polite but clear that you are in charge and their opinion is not important when you are asking them to pick up their toys.

Good luck and here's to helping you get your sanity back!

Friday, February 12, 2016

Why Are So Many Women Selling Stuff?

We all know what I'm talking about.  Every week you see another friend selling something - jewelry, skin care, Tupperware (do people still sell that?).  I have seen many friends "jump on the band wagon," while I sat back and said, "Why are they doing that?  I would never do that."

I looked at women who knew nothing about sales, nothing about business, and suddenly they were claiming to be their own business.  What?  As someone who spent a ridiculous amount of money getting an MBA, I quite frankly looked down on this type of "job."  It seemed completely...well, illegitimate...for lack of a better word.  I did not identify myself with doing something like that.  After all, I had a "real" job with a "real" company that gave me a "real" paycheck.  I owned my own company that I had started and built.  Why would I ever consider doing direct sales for one of these "mom sales" companies?

Well, I'll humbly tell you why.  After being approached by a company I viewed as being reputable (Rodan + Fields, makers of ProActive), I decided to at least ask some questions...you know...out of curiosity.  

1.  Question - Why would a company that sells legitimate products sell their products through untrained employees who just guilt their friends into buying stuff?  Why don't they sell their stuff in stores like real companies do?
Answer - Because companies who sell "mom" type products (especially more expensive products) get the majority of their business from other moms' recommendations.  It takes a lot longer to generate these recommendations when people can only purchase in a store.  Hence, companies increase their sales far faster by just letting the very women who recommend their products sell their products.  So why not give that 30% margin to the mom who did the work instead of the retailer?  Rather genius I must admit.

2. Question - If this stuff really works, why not sell it in a store?
Answer - See Answer to question number 1.  Products MUST actually work to be sold through this model.  Who is going to try to get their friends and family to buy crap if they actually want to keep their friends and family?

3.  Question - Don't I have to put a lot of work into making very little money?  After all, I get paid pretty well in my "real" job.  There's no way this income could compare.
Answer - At least at Rodan + Fields, there are moms who make $1 million a year.  My mentor calculated that she makes about $75/hour.  That's not too shabby.

4.  Question - Do I have to hit minimum sales goals?
Answer - Again, I can't speak for all direct sales models, but at Rodan+Fields, you absolutely do not.  You can sell at your own pace.  For example, I have a goal of making $1000/month working no more than an extra 5 hours a week.  I don't need to replace my income.  I just want some money to pay for some extras - vacations, pay off debt faster, a new HVAC (so glamorous).

5.  Question - How is that doable?
Answer - Choose a product you truly believe in, and it's easy for you to want to talk about it.  You just incorporate talking about the product and what you do into your everyday conversations. You're enthusiasm is contagious and people are naturally interested.  You have lots of networks of people who might benefit from the product or from an extra source of income.  You don't have to go create anything new.  You just have to create a new habit.  It's pretty easy.

6.  Question - How hard is it to get started?
Answer - Again, just speaking for R+F, but not hard at all.  In fact, as an MBA, I found the direct sales model they had built to be fascinating and genius.  Unlike traditional corporate sales models that motivate sales people through competition, R+F motivates their consultants to support each other.  Each consultant is incented to help others.  For example, if I don't know the answer to a skin care question, I have access to dozens of other women with way more experience who will instantly tell me the answer (usually via FB), so I can look brilliant without really being brilliant.

So in short, I humbly retract my judgments of those who jump on this "mom" direct sales bandwagon.  These direct sales opportunities are really more like mom empowerment opportunities.   Whether you are a working mom or a stay-at-home mom, you are an expert on the products that are right for you and your family.  Therefore, why shouldn't you benefit from being the expert instead of XYZ, Inc?

If your answer is "yes" to these four questions, I recommend you seek out one of the many direct sales opportunities out there -

1.  Could my family benefit from some extra money each month? - for bills, retirement, to pay off debt faster, kids' activities, vacations, mom's shoes, etc.
2.  Do I have friends and family I talk to regularly?  Do I like to talk to people at the park or on an airplane?
3.  Do I feel comfortable sharing my opinion on products and opportunities I have enjoyed?
4.  If I knew I could make $50 during the time it takes me to level up one time on Candy Crush, would I be interested?

Just my two cents  -  Go out there and look for the right product for you and I don't think there's any way you will regret it!  I mean why shouldn't you be getting your share of the revenue generated out there because savvy moms give great product recommendations?


Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Part III of Our Family Overhaul - Child Directed Play

As I mentioned in Part II, our daughter is struggling with anxiety, and we have started seeing a child therapist who specializes in this.

Some unhealthy patterns have evolved over time in our effort to deal with the anxiety and outbursts.  We all had genuinely good intentions, but when you are are constantly living in anticipation of a rage that will completely disrupt your family's schedule that day, you start getting into unhealthy patterns.  Rather than parenting, you focus on keeping the anxious child calm and avoiding the rage.  By the time we went to see the counselor we realized we had inadvertently created patterns that were actually increasing the anxiety rather than decreasing it.  So how do we get ourselves out of this pattern without major family disruption?

The first thing our therapist asked us to implement is a technique called Child-Directed Play.  It's really quite simple, but it's very effective on many different levels.  Child-directed play (CDP) is a special form of one-to-one play between the parent and child in which the child directs and leads. CDP can be used with children who are between 2 and 10.  It should be slightly adjusted for the age of the child.

For us, the therapist asked us to introduce "special time" to our daughter.  The "special time" is 5 minutes Monday-Friday.  (We use Saturday and Sunday for make-up days.)  "Special time" is a guaranteed time no matter what.  If she behaves well that day or doesn't behave well, we still do "special time."  It is never taken away as a punishment.  Likewise, the time isn't increased for good behavior.  We do "special time" in a location where we don't normally hang out.  We let our daughter choose, and she chose to do it at her table in her bedroom.  Parents are not allowed to give direction or ask questions during special time.  Therefore, "special time" activities must be activities that don't require boundary setting, competition, or parental guidance.

We offer our daughter 3 choices each night and she can choose from those activities.  She usually chooses an art project (nothing too messy), playing with dolls, playing with Legos, or playing with her kitchen.  During this time, it's very important parents stick to language that allows the child to be in the lead.  Therefore, most of the parents' comments are reflective.  "So you are drawing a rainbow.  I'm going to draw a bug."  We don't ask her what she's drawing.  We don't comment on whether it's good or not.  We also don't outdo her.  So if she draws a rainbow, I don't draw a unicorn...which would make our daughter very insecure that her drawing isn't better than mom or dad's.  Last but not least, when the 5 minutes is up, the parent simply says, "Okay, special time is over.  If you want to finish your activity here, you can.  Or we can continue it together tomorrow at special time."  The parent does all of the cleanup unless the child just wants to help.  The key is it should be a very relaxed, pleasant time for the child.  It turns out it's also a very pleasant time for the parent, too, because the child is happy and relaxed.

An added note, we gave our daughter a calendar where she (not me) can keep track of who is doing special time with her each night.  She LOVES this.  It's another way she feels in control and understands exactly what is happening everyday.  I know it sounds weird for a 5 year old to love a calendar, but this is the nature of anxiety.

So far this activity has gone surprisingly smoothly at our house.  Our daughter did have a meltdown (although she was already angry) when the idea was first introduced.  She said 5 minutes wasn't long enough and demanded 10.  But once she realized she wasn't going to get her way, she accepted 5 minutes and has been happy with it ever since.  Ending the special time hasn't been hard either, and she really looks forward to the special time.  We do it after dinner, and she never forgets.  Even if there are other play options available like riding bikes or playing outside, she will happily stop those activities for special time.

Now what is this activity supposed to accomplish?  Well, this part of the activity is supposed to help with these areas:

• Build a sense of self-direction and self confidence in the child
• Foster child language and social development
• Reduce attention-seeking behaviors by allowing the child to receive focused attention from you without having to misbehave to get it
• Strengthen the parent-child bond
• Help the parent practice parenting skills (this is a great way to play with your kid at any time)

So far, we have seen significant improvement, and we are encouraged.  I think this is an activity every family (even if you don't have anxiety in your family) can benefit from.  We even do it with our 3 year old, and he likes it.

There's a second step to this activity, which is equally important.  I will tell you all about it next week!  Stay tuned.


Wednesday, February 3, 2016

The Latest Craze - Puzzle Rooms

Have you heard about the latest craze for parties and team building events?  Puzzle and lockdown rooms.  What exactly is a puzzle room or lockdown room?  Well, recently, I got to check one out.

A friend of our's hosted her spouse's 45th birthday there.  It was really fascinating...and fun!  So all she told us was that we would be given a series of puzzles we had to solve to get the key to get out of the room.  My first question was, "Do they serve alcohol at this place?  Because it seems highly possible we might all find permanent homes there."

Turns out, the smart people at The Puzzle Room do not serve alcohol (I know..a bit of a bummer...but trust me.  You need all of your brain cells for this.  But you might likely need alcohol afterward.).  And there is a time limit to the puzzle - 1 hour.  So if you don't solve the puzzle in that amount of time, they free you.  BUT you do not get your picture on the Winners wall.  Well, challenge accepted then.

So the host gave us a brief list of rules and items that were off limits (i.e. ceiling tiles and outlets).  What was I getting myself into?  The very idea that he needed to tell me not to remove an outlet cover or a ceiling tile was making me a little concerned.  Then, he gave us a 1 minute situation assessment.  Basically, there were super villains involved in a mystery that we had to solve.  What?  That's all we got?  Then, he let us into the room and that was it.  The room was filled with lots and lots of stuff.  So now what?  But that was all that we got.  We were supposed to look through the room to find clues as to what we were supposed to do.

So at this point, I have to get a little vague.  They asked us to not reveal any secrets because this puzzle will be there for awhile, and they don't want people revealing the clues.  But I can tell you that we had 7 relatively intelligent adults that searched around the room for at least 10 minutes before having any idea what we were doing.  Gradually, we identified a series of mysteries that needed to be solved.  Once we solved those, we got enough information to get to the big mystery.  Along the way, our host did give us clues (when we were close to figuring something out) by writing a cryptic message on a white board.  Thank goodness for these or we would never have gotten even close.

In the end, we did not solve the final mystery.  We were VERY close though.  We needed about 5 more minutes, and we would have been there.

My takeaway is this is a GREAT team building activity and a fun alcohol-free party activity.  But definitely bring your thinking cap!  There's no sitting back and relaxing in a puzzle room.



Here are some local Austin places who offer this activity -
http://texaspanicroom.com/austin/
http://lockdownaustin.com/
http://www.puzzleroomaustin.com/
http://theseventhroom.com/

#noconcealer2016   #puzzleroomsrock