So My Daughter Wants To Be a Mommy When She Grows Up

A few months ago, my 5 year old daughter says to me out of the blue, "I want to be a mommy when I grow up!"  "You do?" I say, "You can also be a vet and take care of animals.  You could be a teacher.  You can be a mommy and something else."  "No," she said, "I want to be a mommy."  My heart (irrationally) sank.  Now that reaction might surprise you.  It, in fact, surprised me.  After all, wasn't she saying this because I'm such an amazing mommy and she just wants to be like me?   Shouldn't I see that as a compliment?  Really, I should admire her goal, because at her age I wanted to be a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.  No offense to the sport of cheerleading, but I can confidently say being a mommy is a much more admirable goal that being a professional cheerleader.

So then why did I have that internal negative response?  I really had to think about this.  As a woman, I feel so strongly that women should support, not judge, each other in whatever choice(s) we make to raise our families.  If you work, great!  If you stay at home, great!  If you do both, great!  If your husband stays at home, great!  Really, I don't judge others in whatever choice they make, because there is no one right answer - just a complex equation of figuring out the right solution for everyone in your family.

So then, if my daughter was to grow up to be a stay-at-home mommy, why would I have any concern about that?  Now, I want you to know I recognize the likelihood of my daughter being serious about any goal she sets at age 5 is slim to none, so it's not as if I thought I needed to start career coaching her through kindergarten.  It was really about the principle of the matter.  If I think it's okay to choose whichever life works for you, why would that principle not apply to my own children?

I think it comes down to this.  As her mommy, I want her to have endless opportunities in life.  And if I'm really honest, I also want her to be financially secure on her own, so that she is empowered to take care of herself and her family if she needs to.  I don't think it's wrong for me to want these things for my child.  I want the best for her.  But it does highlight that I have a natural bias based on my choices.  And I will need to keep that in check as a I raise my children to ensure they make the choices that are right for them.  I can give them information and food for thought.  But at the end of the day, I need to understand my children and help them reach the goals that are right for them.  I know this consciously, but sometimes my unconscious needs a reminder.

By the way, I did ask my daughter why she wanted to be a mommy.  You know what the answer was?  "I want to make the rules."  It turns out my daughter may have a future in management after all!

Are You Glad You Had Children?

I was talking to a friend of mine last week who is considering having children.  She asked me if I was glad I had children.  My immediate reaction was "Of course!"  I mean I can't imagine not having the two little beings that I love more than anything not in my life.  But as I began talking, I realized it's hard to explain why I'm glad I had children.  (Now keep in mind, my kids are 5 and 2.5.  As my neighbor recently told me, I'm not nearly to the point yet of getting a return on my investment.)  So I thought about it...

Am I happier everyday because I have kids?  Probably not.  My ideal day would not involve breaking up sibling fights, listening to screaming and whining, picking up toys, or trying to stay in my seat for at least 60 seconds straight at dinner time.  I would love to just sit on my back deck every evening after work and drink a glass of wine.  <sigh>

Do I have more money because I have children?  Ha, ha, ha.  Oh man, that one made me laugh out loud.  I roughly estimated in my head one time that we will have spent $300K on our children by the time my youngest one reaches kindergarten.  Kindergarten, not college.  That includes child care, fertility treatments, and all of the other clothing/toy/medical care expenses.  I could have my house paid off instead.

Do I get to do the things I once enjoyed doing?  Not nearly as much.  I used to love to travel.  Now the prospect of figuring out how to plan the logistics of traveling with two children - strategically planning flights around naps; figuring out the master plan of getting four suitcases, two car seats and one stroller into the airport with two hands; enjoying the challenges of getting two kids to sleep through the night in a foreign place in different beds - pretty much takes the fun out of any kind of travel.

Do my husband and I have a better marriage?  That depends on the day.  Our marriage is good.  We have faced challenges and made it through them, but are we happier on a day-to-day basis?  No.  I would love to occasionally hold my husband's hand instead of holding a 2 year old, a sippy cup, or a diaper bag.

So when you put it like that, why would anyone have children?  Again, I thought...

Because watching someone grow from a tiny embryo to an adult human being is amazing!  You can be an aunt or uncle and see this from afar, but there is nothing like being there for every milestone.  My daughter hasn't even quite made it to kindergarten, and I already marvel at what she can do.  The reason parents think everything their children do is amazing is because they saw their children when they were helpless, vulnerable infants.  So seeing an infant who can't even hold her head up grow to learn how to read a book IS amazing!

There isn't a substitute for an amazing family moment.  Last night the four of us sat in our backyard, swinging on the bench swing while the kids giggled and ate watermelon.  It was awesome!  (It also ended in someone kicking someone else and eventually deteriorated into two children in tears, but I'm going to ignore that part.)  But for about 5 minutes, it was awesome!  And there's no other way to get that awesomeness but to go through the not-so-fun stuff.

The love of a child makes you feel pretty darn good.  Everyday in the real world isn't always great.  Sometimes people like what I do and sometimes they don't.  Sometimes they like me and sometimes they don't.  But my kids always love me.  If I told them Mommy had a bad day, and I need a hug.  They would quickly indulge me.  That's awesome.

They can be highly entertaining.  For example, on the way to the zoo last week, I hear my daughter singing to herself in the back seat of the car.  I turned down the radio so I could hear what she was singing and this is what I heard, "...traveled down the road and back again.  Your heart is true.  You're a pal and a confidant."  Seriously, she was singing the entire theme from the Golden Girls.  I had a lot of internal laughter.  Turns out her teachers had taught the kids that song to sing at their Pre-K graduation, but man, I was wondering if daddy was secretly watching Rose and Blanche behind my back.

The journey of life will feel much more complete because my children were in it.  I tend to always look toward the future.  Sometimes I do that to a fault.  But nevertheless, that is the lens I usually see the world through.  The real reason I decided to have children was that I couldn't imagine coming to the end of my life and saying, "I chose not to have children and have that life experience, because I wanted life to be easier."  That just didn't seem like a good reason for me (again, not judging, just talking about me).  I wanted to know that I had really experienced all there was to experience in life - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

And if you want the good, the bad, and the ugly - kids will definitely deliver that!

What Your Friends Say About You

No, this isn't a post about gossip.  It's a post about who you choose to surround yourself with.  Do you know that you can accurately predict where you'll be five years from now? At least according to psychologists, you can.  Studies have shown that you can predict where you'll be going, what you'll be doing, and what your income level will be.  What is this Magic 8 ball, you ask?  It's your friends.  The people you associate with have a major impact and influence on your personal success. You can tell where you and your children are going to end up in life simply based on your friends.

In my life, my friendships have gone through phases based on where I was in my life.  In high school, I was very involved in the activities at our family church, so most of my friends came from church.  In college, I was very involved in my business fraternity, so most of my friends came from there.  After I graduated from college, most of my friends came from work.  Sometimes, I chose friends well.  Other times I didn't.  But I can definitely say that I was at my happiest when I was surrounded by good friends. 

My husband and I are at a life milestone now.  Our oldest child starts kindergarten in the fall.  She will be entering the world of public school and begin gaining more independence.  It's just the beginning of mom and dad having less influence and her friends having more influence.  Therefore, it has prompted us to ask ourselves - what do we want for our daughter and who are the people we want to surround our daughter and our family as we move forward in this journey?

First, we thought about what do we want for our daughter?  I mean she's five.  We aren't expecting her to go to Harvard and be a Nobel prize winner.  But there are characteristics we want her to have.   We want her to be kind.  We want her to be grateful.  We want her to have goals.  We want her to respect authority.  We want her to explore new things like sports and music. Last but not least, we want her to like herself and be confident. 

So that means we want to surround her with children who have (or are on the path to have) similar characteristics and values.  Now, it's probably socially inappropriate to interview 5 year olds when they come over for a play date to determine if they are a good fit.  And of course, my daughter can choose to be friends with whomever she wants when she's at school.  But I can still control who she spends her time with outside of school (at least for now).  So the best way to determine if my daughter's friends are a good fit is to look at their parents, right?

That prompted me to research what the parents of above-mentioned children look like.  It would be awesome if they came with sparkling gold stars on their heads, but unfortunately, I don't think that system has been created yet.  But I think there are characteristics you can look for that will let you know if you are going in the right direction.  Based on what I read, these are the characteristics I think are the most helpful.

Similar Values
Look for friends who have similar values as your family.  Every family has different values, of course.  You have to decide what your family's key values are.  For us, we value kindness, integrity (honesty), personal drive, accountability, humility, and gratitude.  So we want our child and family to find other people who prioritize those values in their homes.  This isn't always easy to determine.  It can take awhile to determine what people really value vs. what they say they value.  It's just important to always keep this in mind as you are getting to know people.

Stretch, Motivate and Encourage
Basically, you are looking for people who are empathetic and also confident enough in themselves that they want the best for you and your family.  They aren't worried about comparing what you are doing to what they are doing.  If your child wins the spelling bee, they think it's awesome!  They don't need to one-up you with their child's latest accomplishment.  If you get a promotion, they want to celebrate instead of telling you about the raise they got last week.  But they also want more for you.  They will encourage you and your family to aspire to better things.  Perhaps it's just working through family issues.  Or maybe it's encouraging you to make a very wanted career change.

Choose friends who are "get-it" people
This one requires some more explanation.  "Get-it" people are defined as people who understand how to set their own goals and work towards those goals.  Then, they hold themselves accountable for their actions.  Basically, you are looking for people who are doers.  They not only have ideas, but they actually execute their ideas.  They aren't consistently victims to the world around them.

Choose friends who can bring balance in areas where you are weaker
I really had to think about this one, but it makes sense.  My husband and I are "only" children, and we didn't grow up in big families.  However, now we have two children, and we want to make sure we are creating a family environment that encourages our children to love and support each other, not compete with each other. It's very helpful for us to be friends with people who grew up in a loving, supportive environment, because they have a lot of wisdom that we can lean on to help us build our family environment.  And hopefully, we have some helpful characteristics, too, to give to others.

Give what you expect to get
The previous characteristic leads to this one.  If you aspire to have great friends, you need to be a great friend.  If you are a person with integrity, drive, kindness, accountability, and gratitude, you are more likely to attract people with integrity, drive, kindness, accountability, and gratitude.

Wish us luck as we begin the independence journey with our children.  And I wish you the same! 

Celebrate Your Capacity!

Lately, I have read a lot of articles and posts about avoiding Facebook.  Now I can understand avoiding Facebook from a "time" perspective, because it can be a time-suck.  It can also be distracting from spending actual face-to-face time with real humans.  But the reason people tend to suggest avoiding Facebook is because it makes people feel bad about themselves.  We all know Facebook is a place for people to post the fun and celebratory moments of our lives.  Occasionally, people post sad moments and disappointing moments, but it's mostly a place for happy things.  And perhaps some of the posts are to present an image.  But who cares?  That's the beauty of being able to scroll past those.  I truly believe that most of the posts are to just share great life moments with family and friends.  But either way, it brings me to this point.

Why does it bother us that people are posting happy things?  Perhaps because we feel inadequate?  Oh, Sarah, made herb-crusted rack of lamb.  I made oatmeal.  Julie's children eat lamb.  Mine eat lollipops.  Heather has time to knit her children sweaters.  I sent my kids to school in tank tops...when it's 45 outside.  Greg and Julie went to Aspen.  I'm still trying to get us to the park.  You know how it goes.

We (and by we, I really mean women) need to work on feeling happy and confident in the path we choose for ourselves and our families.  There is too much in life that falls on our shoulders for us to spend what little energy we have left doubting ourselves.  The leader of my mom group, which I mention frequently, calls this Celebrating Your Capacity.  And I think that's awesome.  My capacity may be great when it comes to my working life, but I can tell you my capacity sucks when it comes to cooking.  I don't cook.  Period.  Thankfully, my husband does cook, but if he chooses to take a night off, I am super fine with ordering Chinese.  I don't have a great capacity at this stage to volunteer.  I'm too busy with two little kids, work, and my husband.  But I think it's great that others do.  Hopefully, they will give me tips when my kids get a little older of great places to volunteer.  I don't have great capacity to dote on my husband (I hope he celebrates that capacity), but I say "Rock on" to those women who do.  I don't garden.  I don't make homemade cookies.  I mean, let's be clear, in my mind "slice and bake" is homemade (and even that I don't do very often).  I am so, so fine with both of those things.

So women, I say be proud about who you are and what you have accomplished with your family.  And celebrate your capacity and celebrate other's capacities!  They aren't all the same, and that is so okay.  Be happy for your friend who just ran a marathon even if you haven't worked out in 2 years, because you have probably done something amazing (like read your kids 4000 books at bed time) that another woman out there is envying.