We all know that yelling is completely ineffective with children and yet we all do it at some point. Parenting is exhausting and frustrating and you reach your creative wits end and bam...yelling takes over. At that point, it's a downward spiral. We have definitely had many, many, many of these moments. All it does is increase everyone's anxiety. So what is that magical thing that some parents do to get their kids to behave without yelling or spanking?
Well, here's how we did it successfully--
As I mentioned in Part III of our family overhaul, first we implemented "special time" where our daughter essentially led play time with one parent for 5 minutes every day. Once we had clearly established this routine and she began to calm down and trust us, then, we implemented the second part of "special time." The second part is all about everyone re-learning how to give and receive commands. That's right - commands.
So how does this work? You introduce the idea of extending "special time" to 10 minutes, but the 2nd half of the play time, mom or dad will practice giving the child a command (i.e. Put all of the blue beads in this jar.). The child must follow the command or they go to time out or "special time" ends. It's really up to the parent to decide which consequence is more effective. We felt that time out might actually encourage our child to disobey to extend the special time. So we chose that special time ends. Worked great. We have never had to use it.
Anyway, so there are some clear guidelines for this process. First, what is a command? You tell the child exactly what you want them to do in a sentence. For example, "Put the doll back in the doll bed please." You do not ask them a question like, "Would you please put the doll in the doll bed?" That implies to the child they get to have a choice in this. They don't. You are the parent and you are in charge. You also should instruct them with what you WANT them to do and not what you DON'T WANT them to do. For example, "Walk please," instead of "Don't run." Also commands like "Calm down," or "Cut it out" are very ineffective because they aren't specific enough.
The next question - what is considered compliance by the child? If you ask the child to put the doll in the doll bed and she first goes to book shelf and grabs a book....and then puts the doll away, that is not compliant. If she puts the doll away but stomps her feet all the way over there, that is compliant. The child doesn't have to be happy about following the command but he or she must do it and without any dwaddling or stalling. When the child follows the command appropriately, praise them!
The purpose of all of this is for mom and dad to practice giving commands the correct way. And for the child to practice following commands without instinctively feeling anger or frustration. Our daughter had no problem following commands in special time. It felt like a game to her. So we quickly integrated this approach into everyday life. Sometimes she tries to resist, but once we remind her this is a command, she falls in line. In fact, she frequently corrects us when we don't state a command correctly. "Mommy, you said, 'Can you go get your shoes?' You should have said, 'Go get your shoes please.'" Noted.
Our house isn't perfect and the kids still test us, but this technique has reduced yelling in our house by 90%. Now the only one yelling is our 3 year old <sigh>. After all, this is a helpful tool, but not a miracle cure.
A bit of a side-bar here -- After going through this exercise, I realized our generation makes this mistake a lot. I don't know why. We think we are just being calm and polite by phrasing commands as questions. But we are really just teaching out children that their opinions and input are needed all of the time. Therefore, when we suddenly get mad because they didn't do what we asked, it's a confusing to them. You can still be calm and polite but clear that you are in charge and their opinion is not important when you are asking them to pick up their toys.
Good luck and here's to helping you get your sanity back!
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