So I decided to write a post about our experiences and how we have worked through them at our house. Please let me state that I am in no way saying I'm a sleep expert or that what we do at our house should be done at everyone's home. That's what makes this hard. If you could just read it in a manual, no one would have sleep problems. But since every kid and every family is different, everyone has to figure out what works for their family. I also have a daughter who very easily stimulated and very extroverted and would choose to never sleep if that was an option. Yet ironically, she needs sleep more than most children to balance out her over-stimulation. So if what what we do to ensure adequate sleep seems a little extreme to some, that's okay. It's what works for our daughter but might not be applicable to everyone.
At our house, sleep is our #1 priority. By that I mean everyone sleeps in his/her own bed all night, every night. I encourage healthy eating and limited screen time (which are other big ones), but in weak moments, I can be talked into Starbursts and another episode of Sophia. But I can never be talked into co-sleeping or not sleeping. For me those two things are one in the same, it's hard enough sleeping with my husband - put another human in the bed and forget about it.
Our five year old daughter was an awesome sleeper until about 2.5. At that point, she developed enough bravery to venture upstairs by herself in the dark when she woke up. Ever since then, we have battled staying in the bed. It isn't constant. We usually have a period of 6 months when all goes smoothly, and then, she decides to challenge us again or there is a change in routine (i.e. going on Daylight Savings Time) and it takes a few weeks to return to "staying in bed mode". We've had periods where she gets out of bed 2-3 times a night, because she just likes to be with mommy and daddy. No one gets sleep. It's like returning to newborn sleep deprivation mode, which isn't healthy for anyone. She's cranky. Mommy and Daddy are cranky, and that is just a downward spiral.
So here's how we manage and maintain staying in bed --
1. She has an owl. They make a lot of "time to wake up" clocks, but we have the owl (Wake Up Owl). It's set to turn green at 7 AM and our daughter knows she isn't allowed to come upstairs until it's green. She can get out of bed and play in her room but she cannot come upstairs and wake up mommy and daddy.
This has been a surprisingly successful tool at our house for over 2 years. If you have a kid who likes to sleep in, you don't need this. But if you have a kid, who likes to get up earlier and earlier, this thing rocks!
2. One of our daughter's responsibilities on her daily responsibility chart is staying in her bed. This helps set and reinforce the expectation everyday. That way even when she gets out of her bed, she knows she breaking a rule.
3. We build our daily schedules around sleeping to ensure she doesn't get over-tired. Being overtired actually makes it harder to sleep at night. Our daughter at age 5 still needs a nap most days. She doesn't want to take one, of course. But she is required to do so to live in our house:).
Sadly, we are always the first people to leave parties, because bedtime is 7:30 and we rarely sacrifice that. Our daughter wakes up at 6:45 or 7:00 everyday no matter what time she goes to bed, so she goes to bed at 7:30 to make sure she gets at least 11 hours of sleep each night.
4. We empower her to make herself feel safe and secure at night if she has a bad dream. I know this is a hard one and may be a controversial one. I struggled with this the most, because I could vividly remember feeling so scared and being so mad at my mom that she wouldn't let me sleep with her. Didn't she understand how scared I was? You have to know your child here. If my child knows that using the bad dream excuse entitles her to come upstairs in the middle of the night every night, she would do it EVERY night. Therefore, it's not a valid excuse at our house. She has her buddies, her blanket, her music, her nightlight, and her books that she can use to comfort herself and distract herself from nighttime fears. We talk about that list and how to use them regularly.
At our house valid reasons for coming upstairs are - a fire, someone has broken into the house, someone is hurt, or there is a tornado outside.
I will say the one exception I make to this is thunderstorms. I know they really scare our daughter, and they fortunately, don't occur every night. I'm much more sympathetic on these occasions. But amazingly, these above mentioned tools have mostly made her conquer the thunderstorm fear. Now she loves to come upstairs in the morning and brag that she braved the storm by herself!
5. Other excuses we've heard that are not valid -
- I'm hungry - We don't eat in the middle of the night at our house. Period.
- I'm thirsty - We always leave a sippy cup of water on her night stand in case this happens.
- I don't have ____. I can't find ____. - Either look for it yourself or wait until tomorrow.
- I have to go potty - Then, go by yourself. There is a night light in the bathroom.
6. What do we do when she does come upstairs? Ah - we learned this from Super Nanny. We don't talk to her or engage with her. We take her downstairs and put her in her bed and leave. The more engagement our daughter gets the more she wants to come see us.
7. Last but not least, how do we enforce these rules? Once the pattern of getting out of bed begins occurring, I usually attempt to incent her to stay in her bed. "Stay in your bed 5 nights in a row, and you get a trip to the Candy Jar." But to be honest, it usually requires a consequence in order to return to normalcy. The incentive isn't powerful enough for her. Or she does achieves the goal once but wants to keep having the incentive to keep staying in her bed - uh no. For my daughter, the consequence that works is she believes I will lock her door if she breaks the rules. Of course, I won't do that. I don't even have the means to execute that. But frankly, it doesn't matter. She believes that I can and that I will and that is enough incentive for her to stay in her bed.
Those seven simple (I say laughingly) steps are how we ensure everyone gets sufficient sleep every night at our house.
Now because this is very complicated to manage, our 2 year old still sleeps in a crib. We haven't gotten up enough courage to manage two kids through this yet!
What other good sleeping tips do you have?
BTW, of the sleep books we've read through the years, I found that Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth. has had the greatest impact in our knowledge of how sleep works. It has given us the confidence to enforce our rules and boundaries. I read it before our daughter was born, and I still reference it occasionally.
BTW, of the sleep books we've read through the years, I found that Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth. has had the greatest impact in our knowledge of how sleep works. It has given us the confidence to enforce our rules and boundaries. I read it before our daughter was born, and I still reference it occasionally.
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