Scenario 1
Me: (In my head) How does he not see that I have two children screaming and they both need to get their shoes on and brush their teeth? How is he completely oblivious and focused on his phone?
Husband: (In his head) Should I trade Tony Romo? How injured is he really?
Scenario 2
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Okay, thanks.
Husband: I mean there was a lot of stuff to put away. I did it all...without you asking.
Me: Great. Thanks.
Husband: I even had to put away serving dishes, which was a lot of work.
Me: I'm sorry. You are fantastic! That's amazing that you did all of that...without anyone asking. Really, we wouldn't make it without you!
Scenario 3
Dad takes daughter to eat at Chick Fil A.
Older women in restaurant: Oh, that is adorable! What an awesome daddy.
Scenario 4
Mom takes daughter eat at Chick Fil A.
Older women in restaurant: I guess she can't cook. Well, I guess this is better than McDonald's.
Any of these scenarios sound familiar? We all know the story. Even in modern day equality, there are still more expectations on women than men to do the child rearing and house cleaning. And if you are like me, it eventually gets to you. Once the kids go to bed, I want to sit down on the couch and do nothing, too. But there are still 5 things that need to be done in order to not start tomorrow in a time deficit. Somehow my husband rarely seems to notice those five things though. And if I ask him to help, then I owe him. Because somehow these chores are viewed as things for me, not things for the house or the family.
We have had numerous conversations about assigning chores and responsibilities throughout our almost 10 year marriage. It works for awhile and then eventually works it's way back to same old same old.
A couple of weeks ago, the leader of the mom group I attend made a great suggestion. So I thought I would share. It's so simple. It actually came from an author, Rob Bell, who did some interesting research about what makes marriages thrive, survive, or die. The primary determining factor between surviving and thriving was how each person responded to the other's bid. What's a bid you ask? Well, that's when you say something like, "Come here and look at this funny YouTube video." Your spouse might be busy. Might not think it's going to be interesting. But he/she should stop what he/she is doing and come look at it, because it's important to you and makes you feel like your spouse cares about your interests. Same goes for household chores. "Can you unload the dishwasher?" Instead of, "(sigh) Well, I was trying to watch the game, but I guess" they say,"Sure. I'm happy to help out." Or for example, "I really want to eat Italian tonight." Bad response - "Do we have to?" Good response - "If you are in the mood for Italian, let's do it." What a difference, huh?
To many women, this may sound like basic common sense. But I found that when I presented it to my husband, it was like E=MC2. A little light bulb went off. So now he has made a direct connection between his response and how I feel. And if his response is negative, all I have to say is "But honey, that's my bid" and he gets it.
We have only been doing this for a few weeks, so I don't promise that it solves all problems. But it was so simple - a 2 minute conversation that has definitely had a good return so far!
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