After much thought, I decided to write about a topic that is top-of-mind for my husband and me most days - should we have tacos or spaghetti for dinner? Ha. Kidding. The thing we think about a lot is our daughter and how can we can have more patience and just be better parents for her.
You see this is why I had to give this a lot of thought. I never want a blog to hurt my family. And while my almost five-year-old daughter can't read this now, she will one day be able to read whatever I have written on the internet. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized this could actually help her one day. Hopefully, she will read this and know that even though we sometimes seemed frustrated (because we often are), the source of the frustration is really because we don't always have all of the parenting answers. There is nothing wrong with her. There are just gaps in our parenting abilities and knowledge.
So by now you must be wondering what is going on. Our sweet, very bright, pretty daughter is also highly sensitive. Does that mean she gets her feelings hurt easily? Well, yes, it does. But there is A LOT more that goes with it. For example, I couldn't take her outside in sunlight until she was four months old because the bright sun made her cry. I couldn't use a vacuum cleaner while she was awake until she was three, because the noise scared her to death. We have lived and died by nap and sleep schedules since she was five weeks old, because constant screaming would ensue and continue until she was put to bed if it was nap or bed time. Her temper tantrums as a two and three (even four) year old could last for 2 hours and could more accurately be described as rages rather than tantrums. I know the difference because I now have a two-year-old son who has much more typical tantrums - trust me, they are literally laughable compared to those of our daughter.
As a new parent and as someone who has spent virtually no time around babies and little kids, I didn't know there was anything unique about these behaviors. I just thought, yep, raising kids is hard. About the time, we reached two years old, I really started to think, "Is this the way every kid is? I can't believe I don't see more mothers visiting therapists." Fortunately for me, I joined a mother's group where one of the leaders had a daughter (now in college) who had demonstrated the very same behaviors as our daughter. The mother talked about it... a lot. And I realized every child doesn't behave this way. BUT there are other kids who do behave this way. It then, sent me on my typical internet research path to learn more.
So that's why I decided to occasionally write about this topic. If there are other parents out there who feel stressed, concerned, alone, inadequate (you know the list), I want to give them some resources to help them better parent highly sensitive kids, and I want them to know they are not alone.
To start, here's a bit about what I learned:
1. The brains of highly sensitive people take in much more information and process it more quickly that the brains of the rest of us. Thus, these people are easily over-stimulated. Over-stimulation leads to anxiety and melt downs.
2. 20% of the population is categorized as highly sensitive
3. Of those, only 70% are introverts. That's right. Highly sensitive people can be extroverts (which our daughter definitely is).
4. Highly sensitive people are usually very bright, because their brains process information so quickly.
5. The brains of highly sensitive people are less capable of regulating emotions. Therefore, these people often appear dramatic or likely to overreact. But their feelings are very valid. They just feel things more intensely than most of us do.
If you are wondering if your child or you is highly sensitive, there is an easy questionnaire that can help you. Answer each one with True or False.
My child...
1. Startles easily
2. Complains about scratchy clothing, seams in socks, or labels against his/her skin
3. Doesn't usually enjoy big surprises
4. Learns better from a gentle correction than strong punishment
5. Seems to read my mind
6. Uses big words for his/her age
7. Notices the slightest unusual odor
8. Has a clever sense of humor
9. Seems very intuitive
10. Is hard to get to sleep after an exciting day
11. Doesn't do well with big changes
12. Wants to change clothes if wet or sandy
13. Asks a lot of questions
14. Is a perfectionist
15. Notices the distress of others
16. Prefers quiet play
17. Asks deep, thought-provoking questions
18. Is very sensitive to pain
19. Is bothered by noisy places
20. Notices subtleties (something that's been moved, change in a person's appearance)
21. Considers if it is safe before climbing high
22. Performs best when strangers aren't present
23. Feels things deeply
If you answered TRUE to 13 or more, you have a highly sensitive child. For perspective, I answered TRUE to 19 of these for our daughter.
There's so much to say about this topic, and I will continue to post about it. But in the meantime, if this sounds like your child, I encourage you to check out this book - The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron. It was written by a clinical psychologist who is highly sensitive and has a highly sensitive child. It's a great parenting resource and it's on Kindle.
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