The other day I saw a Facebook post that made me pause. It was a great, celebratory post about something special the parents did for their kids. It was a feel good moment. What gave me pause was reading the comments from friends..."You guys are the most amazing parents!" "When I'm a parent, I want to be like you!" "Your kids have the best parents!" Amazing, feel-good praise. And really, there is nothing wrong with the post. We should share the happy moments with friends. And the people who posted were just being kind and good friends. But the reason it gave me pause was because I feel like as a society, we often value and judge parents solely based on the feel good moments or their kids' achievements. Social media perpetuates this pattern, and I firmly believe this pattern is unhealthy.
When I think about the parents I know who I believe are amazing parents, they are the ones who often don't get a lot of public praise. They don't get a lot of praise, because they are the parents with kids who are not easy going and sometimes have behavior problems. They are the parents with kids who have special needs and will never make the honor roll. They are the single parents who are struggling to just pay the bills and sometimes forget their child was supposed to wear a special shirt to school last Friday. They are the parents who are too busy or too private to share every moment on Facebook, but at night they are exhausted and wondering if tomorrow will be better. And they are the parents who often don't tell others about these challenges for fear they will be judged.
Take a moment and think - How often do your friends share the bad child rearing moments? And I don't mean complaining about how they can't go to the bathroom alone or that their three year old will only eat mac 'n' cheese. I mean how often do your friends share the bad moments that their might be judged for? Like when did someone last share their child went to the principal's office three times last week? Or that they hired a private tutor because their 5th grader still doesn't understand fractions? Or that their eight year old child still refuses to eat spaghetti because "tonight it looks funny?" Or that they don't have enough money to pay their share of the teacher's Christmas gift, so they had to be "that" parent who doesn't contribute? Sadly, our society tends to think these flaws are always a result of inadequate parenting and thus, parents who struggle, struggle in silence. (And for the record, yes there are lazy, disorganized, thoughtless parents out there. But I believe most parents are trying.)
There are parents who are often trying ten times harder than other parents to just get their kids to pass classes. They are the parents taking their seven year old child to therapy every week, and their child still doesn't have the motor skills to kick a soccer ball. They are parents crying themselves to sleep at night, because they are worried what opportunities their child will have in life because their child isn't the perfect, Type A personality our society praises.
I write this post, because I think all parents sometimes need a reminder about what is really important in parenting. Parents are at their most amazing when their kids are behaving terribly and the parent figures out a way to resolve the situation productively. Parents are at their most amazing when even though they don't have enough money to buy a fancy Christmas, they still figure out how to make the holiday full of love and special moments. Parents are at their most amazing when they recognize their child is struggling and they seek help without shame or embarrassment. Parents are at their most amazing when they are outside throwing a baseball with their child for the 100th time, hoping this will be the time the child hits the ball...but knowing if it isn't, they will be out there throwing the ball a 101st time.
If you have kids who are high achievers in academics, athletics or arts, that is fantastic! If your kids are well-behaved and easily try new things and new foods, that too, is freaking fantastic! Feel blessed. Feel happy. Enjoy it. Society needs high achievers, and high achievers need amazing parents to help them reach their full potentials. But also remember that these amazing traits are probably just as much a result of genetics and good fortune as they are good parenting.
And if you have kids who rarely receive praise...if you have kids who never earn an award or trophy...if you have kids who still only eat yogurt and grilled cheese, you are not a failure. You know how much effort, love and tears you are putting into parenting everyday and that is your sign of success. Your success is marked by the improvements you see every month and year, not by the awards hanging on the wall. And those improvements are a result of your amazing parenting!
And tomorrow, we as parents should do two things:
1. Praise yourself for the tough moments. Celebrate the day you survived that was hard! That's the day you really earned your Amazing Parenting Award.
2. Be supportive friends and good listeners to those whose kids are struggling. There's a good chance they could use a good friend - someone who can be a good listener, not someone who can give great parenting advice.
No comments:
Post a Comment