Are the Normal "Aging" Symptoms Really Normal?

Since the birth of my daughter 6 years ago, my body has changed.  But really I thought that's normal - everyone's body changes after child birth, right?  I was constantly tired.  I couldn't think clearly.  Sleep was much harder than it had once been.  I was easily irritated.  And sex, what's that?  And of course I'm nearing 40 and I have 2 kids (and a husband) and I work.  So this is just part of life, right? Well, about 18 months ago, it was like a switch flipped.  And then the worst thing happened - I could no longer maintain my weight.  Okay, I know that's very vain.  All of the other symptoms should have prompted me to make changes, but sadly, it was vanity that prompted me to figure out what was going on.

So I started Googling all of my symptoms and guess what I found out?  There was something out of balance.  That's about it.  Turns out my symptoms can indicate lots of things -Estrogen Dominance, Low Estrogen, Low Progesterone, Low Testosterone, Protein Deficiency, Hypothyroid, Poor Adrenal Function.  So really all I learned was something was out of balance.  It's basically what is termed now as perimenopause or perithyroid.  I tried talking to my doctors about it, which resulted in very little help, too.  Their perspective was my blood work looked great, my weight was fine, I showed no signs of cancer or heart disease - So they were very unconcerned.  They basically said, "Yeah, you are getting older and this is normal."  

So I looked further, and I did find there were some differentiating symptoms:

This certainly gave me a few more clues.  But why did so many of the symptoms point to so many different issues?  It turns out your thyroid, sex hormones, and adrenal glands are all very connected.  Therefore, if one is out of balance, it can throw everything off.  I created another little chart to better explain the relationships.

As you can see if one piece of the puzzle is off, everything can be affected.  So understanding these other symptoms and relationships helped me start putting the pieces of the puzzle together.

I started with protein.  I was 100% sure I had protein deficiency and had probably had protein deficiency my whole life.  I started having brittle, peeling nails in my 20's.  I had always felt light-headed when I was hungry (didn't have enough protein to regulate my blood sugar).  I had chicken-skin (bumps) on the back of my arms and legs, which actually was a result of the sugar.  And in the past couple of years, I noticed I was losing muscle tone despite exercising regularly.  Once I increased my protein intake to 80 grams a day and reduced my sugar/processed food intake, all of these symptoms improved.  My nails are perfect now.  I don't get light-headed any more.  My skin is smooth.  And I instantly started building muscle again.  I had so much more muscle in my abs than I had had in years!  Amazing.

So protein helped some, but...I still kept gaining weight.  And I was still fatigued.  And I sure didn't have a libido.  I even occasionally had night sweats and hot flashes.  What?  And I wasn't sleeping well either.  I knew I had low ferritin (iron stores) despite my protein-intake and iron supplementation.  So I continued down the investigation path.  It seemed highly likely that I didn't have enough Vitamin B-12, iodine (helps with iron absorption), and selenium in my diet.  I felt like my diet or current supplementation covered magnesium, zinc, vitamin A, vitamin D, and vitamin C.  So I added vitamin B complex, kelp (for iodine), and selenium supplements to my routine.  Within a week, I could tell I had more energy and the weight gain seemed to stop...but still no weight loss.

So I continued.  I had another data point.  I was diagnosed with low ovarian reserve when I was 34.  While my fertility doctor didn't address this at the time, I now know that indicates my ovaries haven't been producing adequate estrogen and progesterone for some time.  So I added a natural progesterone cream to my routine.  In two days, I was sleeping like a baby.  Oh, and my boobs started in inflate.  Seriously.  I had no idea fixing my hormones could fix the sagging.  I thought that was from being pregnant, and only a surgeon could make improvements.  Okay, one more known problem solved and one great additional perk.

But still no weight loss, no libido and not as much energy as I had hoped.  It seemed that estrogen was likely my last problem.  The imbalance between estrogen and progesterone would explain the weight gain in my thighs.  I had lots of other symptoms on the low estrogen list, too.  But oddly, my cycles were normal.  So why?  Well, it occurred to me that when I increased my protein, I increased my intake of all of the hormones the food industry puts in our food.  So after all of these years of resisting organic, my vanity finally pushed me over the edge.  Well, the next month my cycle was 37 days long.  Ridiculous.  And I knew it was because I had a very long follicular phase (oh the things you learn in fertility treatment) and that was likely a result of low estrogen.  It seemed that now that I had eliminated all of the foods mimicking estrogen, I could see what was really going on in my body.  I added a supplement called maca root.  It's like ginseng but found in Latin America.  And it's known to help your body produce estrogen and balance your hormones.  In two days, I felt like a million bucks.  My runs were great - so full of energy.  I was more relaxed.  I was nicer to my kids.  I was more affectionate with my husband.  And despite eating chocolate for 3 days straight, I lost 3 pounds in a week.  Absolutely amazing.

I'm not sure I have everything figured out.  After all, you can certainly have too much supplementation (as my husband coincidentally figured out during this period which explained his fatigue).  But after 18 months of research, I am armed with a lot more information and hope now.  I will be taking my two handy charts above, along with my list of symptoms and currents supplements to my primary care physician when I have my physical in August.  I want him to test my ferritin (because I know what it was previously), my T3 and reverse T3 (much better indicators of thyroid function than just TSH) and each of my hormones.  He might not do it, of course, but hopefully when he sees my list of supplementation, he will be somewhat persuaded.

If or when you start feeling these mysterious aging symptoms that seem to be going around these days, don't buy into it and accept that you are just aging.  Yes, it's true that your body can no longer deal with imbalances and nutrition deficiencies like it could in your 20's or even 30's.  But if you make some simple diet or supplement adjustments, you could go back to feeling like you did in your 20's or 30's.

I Found the Answer to my Food Delivery Prayers!

Yes, I finally found a great food delivery service.  Okay, it might sound extreme, but here's why it's so amazing.  I hate cooking.  My kids hate eating.  My husband gets very stressed when he has to cook every night.  We want to remain relatively healthy, non-obese people.  So you can clearly see our dilemma.

Ever since the launch of food services like Blue Apron, I have been in awe.  Brilliant I thought!  I have always wanted a personal chef.  But sadly, none of the "learn to cook" food services met our needs.  I mean I think Blue Apron would have been cool before we had kids or once our kids are older, but right now...I don't need someone to send me recipes and ingredients.  I need ready-to-eat food I can get on the table in between screaming and fighting and all of the other pleasantries that occur at that 5:00 PM hour everyday.  I also want something that doesn't make me want to kill my children when after working on it for 30 minutes and getting it to the table amidst the chaos to hear both of my children say, "Ewww...that's gross.  I don't like that.  I don't know what it is, but I'm sure I don't like it."

So automatically, that narrowed down the field for me.  I wanted prepared dishes that just needed to be heated up - but were a step above frozen dinners.  There are a few out there, but I found they didn't work for us.  Either, it turned out they really did need some additional prep time.  Or we had to order family style, which meant my husband and I constantly had to eat meatloaf (one of the only things our kids agree on).  Or they didn't offer anything I thought I could get my kids to eat.  Or they just didn't taste good.

I was ready to give up.  But then, a little ad came across my Facebook page one day for a service called Freshly.  "Chef prepared, healthy meals delivered weekly."  It looked like it had potential.  So I explored further.  They had 25 meals to choose from each week - that is amazing!  Way more than any other food service I've looked at.  Meals are individual servings, so every member of the family could eat something different each night if you so desired.  But this is great, because I can buy meatloaf for the kids, salmon for me, and pork for my husband and everyone is happy!  The meals are completely prepared - including meat and vegetables.  All you have to do is heat them up for 2 minutes and serve (and all of the meals come in BPA-free containers, so I don't feel bad about microwaving).  My husband (who is always skeptical) was even willing to give it a try.  And so we placed our first order.  Because the real test is the taste.

And the result?  Fan-freaking-tastic!  We have tried the turkey chili, meatloaf, chicken rustica, grilled chicken fajita, coconut lime salmon, Moroccan chicken, BBQ pork chop, the frittata, and the quiche.  It has all been great!  Not a complaint about any of it - and that's microwaving chicken and salmon, which to say the least, is risky.  My husband even commented that the black-eyed peas and collard greens, which he thought would be awful, were one of the best things he had ever tasted.

So how much does it cost?  Well, it's not super cheap, but it's also not super expensive.  Our kids share one meal, which is plenty, so we need 3 meals/day.  We order 9 meals/week, which is $99/week.  If you buy more meals, it gets cheaper.  If we bought food at the grocery store to make 3 meals, we would probably spend $60-70/week.  So it is an increase, but totally worth it.  No stress, no planning, no dishes, and hey, I'm sure we save money by not making impulse purchases in the grocery store!

And why am I promoting Freshly?  Because we love it, and want it to stay in business.  And because it has been a game changer for us at dinner time.  So go try it...now...go...you will love it!:)

Check out Freshly here

5 New Things That Can Improve Your Life as a Busy Mom

If you've read my previous blogs, you know that therapy is probably the number 1 thing improving our lives.  But outside of that, I have some new gadgets that I LOVE, so I thought I would share.

1.  Amazon Echo - Or as we really know it in our home, Alexa.  Why do I love Alexa?  She sits conveniently in my kitchen, where I spend most of my time and helps me so I don't have to stop what I'm doing to go to the computer, my phone, write something down, etc.  To be more specific, here's what Alexa does for me that I love:

• She adds things to my shopping list by me simply saying, "Alexa, add milk to my shopping list." (Her voice recognition is very impressive.  I don't have to be close to her to talk to her, and she recognizes virtually everything I say.  She can even understand the kids!)  Then, everything appears on the Alexa app on my phone in my shopping list, which I can conveniently take to the store with me or better yet, add it to my Instacart shopping cart (more about that later).
• She magically sends things to my home by me just saying "Alexa, order more AA rechargeable batteries."  Now she can only re-order items that I have previously ordered from Amazon.  But given that we order EVERYTHING from Amazon, our available options are significant.
• She plays music from Amazon or Pandora by me just saying, "Alexa, play my John Mayer Pandora station."  Bam.  John Mayer starts playing in my kitchen.  Love that.  Or my daughter who loves Christmas can conveniently say (in February), "Alexa, play Christmas music."  And she does.  And mommy doesn't have to go look for Christmas CDs to make my daughter happy.
• She tells me what the temperature and weather is outside, so I know which jacket to send with my kids.  It's a nice little luxury.
• Basically, Alexa listens to me ALL of the time.  She helps me.  Alexa gets me.  I love her.

2. Dyson V6 Cord Free Vacuum - Why do I love my new Dyson?  It hangs very conveniently in my laundry room next to the kitchen, where I need it the most.  Now when my kids get cracker crumbs all over the floor or dirt all over the floor or glitter all over the floor...well, you get the gist...I can keep my cool.  No worries, I'll just grab the vacuum and zip, zip in 20 seconds, the mess is gone.  This vacuum really works almost as well as my regular Dyson, and it is so light and handy, I hardly ever pull my regular vacuum out any more.

3.  Instacart -  In case you have never heard of Instacart, it's a grocery delivery service.  They shop at your local grocery store (of your choice) and then deliver your groceries to you.  Delivery is $5.99 or you pay an annual fee of $150 (like Amazon Prime) to get free delivery all year.  You just have to purchase a minimum of $35 of groceries in each delivery.  Why do I love Instacart?

• I do not have to figure out how to squeeze 30 or 45 minutes of annoying grocery shopping into my day.  I can quickly add everything from my Amazon shopping list (see above) to my Instacart cart and schedule a delivery for later that day.  I can do this while I'm sitting in a conference call or waiting for my daughter at dance or while I'm eating my lunch.  
• I also rationalize that I save myself money and calories by not indulging in the impulse buying that often comes with grocery shopping.  Love that!
• We haven't really found a meal delivery service yet that meets all of our needs, so this is the next best thing.  My husband (our family cook) can make his weekly shopping list or select yummy HEB prepared foods, and bam it's delivered.

4.  DailyBurn - You might have seen this advertised on TV lately.  It's a daily personalized personal trainer video that you can do from your living room.  You select your goals, training needs, etc in your profile.  Then, the right video is automatically available on your smart TV app (Roku, XBOX, Apple TV, etc.) everyday.  Why do I love it?

• I hate strength training.  I really do, but I have accepted that now that I've reached age 40 that I really need to do it or else I'm going to have a mom butt and need to wear mom jeans.  I'm not ready for that yet.  BUT I detest going to the gym.  It takes way too much time and I hate paying that monthly fee.  I detest Boot Camps. 5 AM to pretend like I'm in the military?  Uh, no.  Basically, I need something that takes max 30 minutes a day and is inexpensive and easy.  So what to do?  That's where DailyBurn comes in.  I get a new video that's at my training ability targeting my focus areas on my TV every single day.  I just turn on the TV and it's like a trainer is in my living room.  Do 30 minutes and I'm done.  And it's only $12/month.  Deal.  

5.  Rodan + Fields Redefine - As I've mentioned before, I've always been a drugstore skincare kind of gal.  But now that I'm in my 40's, I decided to get more serious about my skin care.  These crow's feet aren't going to get rid of themselves.  So why do I love Redefine?

• My skin is so soft EVERYDAY
• The redness in my cheeks reduced by at least 50% in one month
• The circles under my eyes are far less noticeable than they were 3 months ago.
• I can see a difference in the lines in my forehead and my crow's feet in only 2 months.
• It magically shows up in a cute box on my doorstep every 3 months.  It's like a little gift just for me.

Do you use any of these gadgets?  Do you love them?  What other gadgets and products improve your life?  I want to more ideas!

Anxiety is Contagious

The past month I've written a lot about anxiety and how it has negatively impacted our family.  We have implemented a few simple but very critical things that have really turned things around in our family.  And so now just two months later, things are so much calmer and easier.  And it's given me some time to reflect on how we got to this place.

The worst part about having even one family member with anxiety is that it can create negative feelings between the whole family.  And you don't even know how it happened.  We didn't even know our daughter had anxiety.  We knew she had behavior issues.  We knew she was angry and defiant a lot.  But understanding that was tied to anxiety (much less how to deal with it) didn't occur to us.  We just slowly adapted to minimizing outbursts and trying to get things done, so we could still function and leave the house.  But inside, we were building resentments.  We resented her for being difficult.  I resented my husband for not helping more.  He resented me for not understanding this situation made his anxiety sky high and he couldn't cope.  And our 3 year old was just trying to figure out how to adapt to all of this.  Slowly, we all retreated to our own little balls, because we were all irritated with each other.  Really, really, sad.

But by recognizing the anxiety and seeking help, in less than 2 months, we are in a very different place.  Our daughter is of course, much more relaxed and happy.  She is much more patient and caring with her little brother and with us.  My husband actually wants to hang out with me after the kids are in bed instead of hiding in his man cave.  We have time, energy, and interest in holding hands and giving each other a kiss.  Our son is calmer, but let's face it, he's 3 and he's a boy, so he's still a work in progress.  And me?  Well, I don't walk on egg shells around my daughter.  When I read stories to her at night, I'm having fun and laughing and cuddling with her.  She wants me to cuddle with her!  Which before, she couldn't stand being touched.  I'm not counting the minutes until she's in bed and I can relax.  And I look forward to having time alone with her after school instead of fearing a rage that will leave both of us exhausted.  I don't fear taking her to dance class wondering if she will have a melt down when I ask her to put on her leotard.  I'm not constantly trying to out think and out manipulate her.  I have energy again! 

I will keep writing about this subject, because I think there needs to be more awareness.  I've come to understand that anxiety is a relatively common yet very misunderstood and undiagnosed disorder.  Now that I recognize anxiety, I can see it in so many people I've known in my life.  I also know that it's something that can actually be treated, often relatively easily, ESPECIALLY if it's caught early. There are a lot of resources out there that can give your child and your family easy tools to manage anxiety and live a less stressful and happier life.

If your child is highly sensitive, it's likely they struggle with some type of anxiety so be on the look out.  

Here are some common symptoms of childhood anxiety:

• Feeling nervous, restless or tense
• Feeling angry and irritable
• Defiance
• Worrying about safety and security
• Feeling tired
• Trouble concentrating
• Trouble sleeping
• Gastrointestinal (GI) problems
• Urge to avoid things that trigger anxiety

Should You Be Able to Select the Gender of Your Child?

So you may have seen recently that Chrissy Teigen (John Legend's wife) recently and quite casually announced that she chose to implant a girl embyro during their IVF process.  As you would expect, the internet has responded very negatively and very positively.  Of course, one side is outraged that she chose to "play God" because she thought her husband would be a better father to a girl.  And the other side feels it's no big deal and none of our business.

So of course it begs the question, what do I think?  Okay, probably no one else is asking that but me.  But I thought I would share my opinion.  My opinion is somewhere in between.

My husband and I had to use IVF to conceive both of our children.  With our daughter, we did not know the genders before implantation.  We happily took what we got.  When we conceived our son, we had the luxury of also knowing the genders before implantation.  However, we chose to not find out.  Only the embryologist and doctor knew what we chose. Why you might ask?

If you've never gone through the IVF process before, it is in short, nerve-wracking.  You show up the day of implantation not knowing at all what embryos have survived (if any) to that 5th day.  You have no idea what the quality of the embryos is.  All you do know is you have spent a ridiculous amount of money and you desperately want to be pregnant. They suit you up in your medical attire and give you a Valium (thankfully) and then you sit and wait.  Wait for the embryologist to come in and tell you what your options are.  And then 10 minutes later, they will wheel you into the surgical room and implant your hopefully future child.

So you have 10 whole minutes to make critical decisions about the future of your family.  Can we live with multiples?  Do we risk not being pregnant at all?  And if you choose the gender, do we want a boy or a girl?

My husband and I agreed ahead of time that if we were fortunate enough to have a 2nd child, it did not matter what the gender was.  We were going to choose the best quality embryo we had and hope for the best.  We decided this for a couple of PERSONAL reasons.  First, I did feel like choosing the gender was like playing God, and I wasn't comfortable with this.  Second, imagine if we said we wanted a boy and then found out the boy embryo was the 3rd best quality embryo.  Then, the IVF cycle failed - well, did it fail because we chose the a lower quality embryo?  Then, did we have to use a 2nd choice frozen girl embryo?  Would this somehow create weird feelings with us or the child?  I just didn't want to face this type of complex situation.  We were giving it our best shot and the rest would play out as genetics had planned.

However, having said all of this, I should tell you another important detail.  We chose to try IVF in the first place because we found out we were both carriers of cystic fibrosis, and we wanted to minimize the risk of our children having to cope with that awful disease.  (We later found out we also had significant ovarian reserve issues too).  That meant all of our embryos were screened for CF before implantation and we had the ability to not implant the CF positive embryos.  Is that playing God?  I'm sure some would say it is.

In addition, we had endless number of unexpected decisions we had to make throughout the IVF processes.  For example, one cycle we only had 3 embryos and suddenly our doctor who had previously said she would never implant more than two embryos recommended implanting all 3.  What?  I had 10 minutes to decide if I could live with triplets.  We had one cycle where there was only one embryo that was possibly viable, and it was possible it was chromosomally abnormal.  Again, we had 10 minutes to decide if we wanted to implant it or not.  Talk about stressful.

So what I learned through this whole process is that infertility and IVF is very complicated.  It is an emotional roller coaster to say the least.  And until you have walked in someone's shoes, you really can't say what you would do in the same situation.  So I refrain from judging the Legends.  I certainly hope they made this choice with great thought (even if the PR statement seemed cavalier), but at the end of the day, the law still states it's their choice.  I don't think I would have made the same choice, but it's not my place to judge.  At some point, the law may decide it's their place to judge, but that's up to our court system...not me.

Congrats to Chrissy and John!

One More Simple Thing That Has Changed Our Lives

In our quest to create better family patterns that better manage our daughter's anxiety and ensure that our family life doesn't revolve around her anxiety, we decided to revisit our family rules.  We have used a responsibility chart (which largely focused on behaviors) with our daughter since she was two.  It really works well with her.  But when our son began walking and moving, the dynamic changed.  Suddenly, our daughter saw her previously immobile brother getting a lot of attention, because we were trying to keep him from killing himself.  But in her eyes, all she saw was "It's not fair."  Fairness is HUGE with her.  And her need for everything to be fair continued to "what rules her brother had to live by" vs. "what rules she had to live by".  Of course, we can't expect a 14 month old to adhere to the same rules that our then 4 year old had to live by.  So we consciously chose to not have family rules.  We just tried our best to rationalize with our daughter and explain that her younger brother wasn't capable of following the same rules that a big girl could follow.  And that, of course, we had different expectations of her when she was younger, too.  She would reluctantly accept that, but I knew in her heart it still didn't seem fair.

Well, now our son is finally three and capable of living by the same rules his sister has to live by, so we created family rules.  Not only did we define them, we wrote them down and wrote down the consequence for each rule.  I have to admit, this helps mom and dad, too.  Because I regularly reference the chart for the consequence.  Our daughter LOVES this chart.  It means everyone has the same rules (which is fair).  It's clearly stated and no one can change it.  And she knows EXACTLY what will happen to her and her brother if the rule is broken.  Here's our rule chart:

Now before you get concerned (or judge), locking the door is temporary.  For our son, it takes about 30 seconds to do the trick.  For our daughter, it takes about 5 seconds.  But yes, we do have locks on the outside of our kids' doors for this reason.  Honestly, just putting the lock there almost solves the problem alone.  We hardly ever use it with our daughter.  And they both know there are valid reasons for getting out of your bed (i.e. you're sick, the house is on fire, someone broke into the house, you pooped in your diaper).  Invalid reasons include "I hear footsteps upstairs" when the child clearly knows mommy and daddy are walking upstairs.  Or "I forgot to tell you that I need more crackers for my lunch."  Or "I don't want this book in my bed."  You know the routine. And if you didn't read my earlier post, the toys they lose go into a toy bag in the garage.  They can earn their toys back by doing a chore or helping out in some way.

We now track these behaviors on each child's behavior chart.  They get a magnet for each rule they didn't break that day.  If the child gets all of his/her magnets for the day, he/she gets a reward - an extra story at bedtime.  And we also have an added bonus, which was requested by our daughter.  We have a combined chart with just their names on it.  If the child doesn't break any rule that day, he/she gets a star on the combined chart. If the child gets all of his/her stars for the week, he/she gets an extra toy from the toy bucket on Sunday.  (Our toy bucket is a bucket of junk from the $1 aisle at Target.  Whenever we go to Target, I let them "shop" the $1 aisle and everything they choose goes in to the toy bucket to earn.)

We chose these rules, because they address the majority of moments in our house that cause extra anxiety and exhaustion (for mom and dad AND the kids).  It took our daughter 2 minutes to understand the rules and consequences.  It took our son 2 weeks.  But nevertheless, they both got it.  They just had to see the rules enforced a few times and instantly behaviors started changing.  I can also see in our daughter how affirming it is that she isn't being held to a different behavior standard than her brother is. There wasn't much we could do about that, but it's a great bonus to now have him be a little older.

So far this new rule formality has really created a positive environment for our daughter.  She loves the structure!  She loves the positive rewards that she can earn.  That is such a motivator for her.  This system has not created any extra work for us, and we are loving the new peace in our home!

This is an ongoing process, so stay tuned for more...

Part IV - Getting Your Children to Listen to You Without Yelling

We all know that yelling is completely ineffective with children and yet we all do it at some point.  Parenting is exhausting and frustrating and you reach your creative wits end and bam...yelling takes over.  At that point, it's a downward spiral.  We have definitely had many, many, many of these moments.  All it does is increase everyone's anxiety.  So what is that magical thing that some parents do to get their kids to behave without yelling or spanking?

Well, here's how we did it successfully--
As I mentioned in Part III of our family overhaul, first we implemented "special time" where our daughter essentially led play time with one parent for 5 minutes every day.  Once we had clearly established this routine and she began to calm down and trust us, then, we implemented the second part of "special time."  The second part is all about everyone re-learning how to give and receive commands.  That's right - commands.

So how does this work?  You introduce the idea of extending "special time" to 10 minutes, but the 2nd half of the play time, mom or dad will practice giving the child a command (i.e. Put all of the blue beads in this jar.).  The child must follow the command or they go to time out or "special time" ends.  It's really up to the parent to decide which consequence is more effective.  We felt that time out might actually encourage our child to disobey to extend the special time.  So we chose that special time ends.  Worked great.  We have never had to use it.

Anyway, so there are some clear guidelines for this process.  First, what is a command?  You tell the child exactly what you want them to do in a sentence.  For example, "Put the doll back in the doll bed please."  You do not ask them a question like, "Would you please put the doll in the doll bed?"  That implies to the child they get to have a choice in this.  They don't.  You are the parent and you are in charge.  You also should instruct them with what you WANT them to do and not what you DON'T WANT them to do.  For example, "Walk please," instead of "Don't run."  Also commands like "Calm down," or "Cut it out" are very ineffective because they aren't specific enough.

The next question - what is considered compliance by the child?  If you ask the child to put the doll in the doll bed and she first goes to book shelf and grabs a book....and then puts the doll away, that is not compliant.  If she puts the doll away but stomps her feet all the way over there, that is compliant.  The child doesn't have to be happy about following the command but he or she must do it and without any dwaddling or stalling.  When the child follows the command appropriately, praise them!

The purpose of all of this is for mom and dad to practice giving commands the correct way.  And for the child to practice following commands without instinctively feeling anger or frustration.  Our daughter had no problem following commands in special time.  It felt like a game to her.  So we quickly integrated this approach into everyday life.  Sometimes she tries to resist, but once we remind her this is a command, she falls in line.  In fact, she frequently corrects us when we don't state a command correctly.  "Mommy, you said, 'Can you go get your shoes?'  You should have said, 'Go get your shoes please.'"  Noted.

Our house isn't perfect and the kids still test us, but this technique has reduced yelling in our house by 90%.  Now the only one yelling is our 3 year old <sigh>.  After all, this is a helpful tool, but not a miracle cure.

A bit of a side-bar here -- After going through this exercise, I realized our generation makes this mistake a lot.  I don't know why.  We think we are just being calm and polite by phrasing commands as questions.  But we are really just teaching out children that their opinions and input are needed all of the time.  Therefore, when we suddenly get mad because they didn't do what we asked, it's a confusing to them.  You can still be calm and polite but clear that you are in charge and their opinion is not important when you are asking them to pick up their toys.

Good luck and here's to helping you get your sanity back!