Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?

After much thought, I decided to write about a topic that is top-of-mind for my husband and me most days - should we have tacos or spaghetti for dinner?  Ha.  Kidding.  The thing we think about a lot is our daughter and how can we can have more patience and just be better parents for her.

You see this is why I had to give this a lot of thought.  I never want a blog to hurt my family.  And while my almost five-year-old daughter can't read this now, she will one day be able to read whatever I have written on the internet. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized this could actually help her one day.  Hopefully, she will read this and know that even though we sometimes seemed frustrated (because we often are), the source of the frustration is really because we don't always have all of the parenting answers.  There is nothing wrong with her.  There are just gaps in our parenting abilities and knowledge.

So by now you must be wondering what is going on.  Our sweet, very bright, pretty daughter is also highly sensitive.  Does that mean she gets her feelings hurt easily?  Well, yes, it does.  But there is A LOT more that goes with it.  For example, I couldn't take her outside in sunlight until she was four months old because the bright sun made her cry.  I couldn't use a vacuum cleaner while she was awake until she was three, because the noise scared her to death.  We have lived and died by nap and sleep schedules since she was five weeks old, because constant screaming would ensue and continue until she was put to bed if it was nap or bed time.  Her temper tantrums as a two and three (even four) year old could last for 2 hours and could more accurately be described as rages rather than tantrums.  I know the difference because I now have a two-year-old son who has much more typical tantrums - trust me, they are literally laughable compared to those of our daughter.

As a new parent and as someone who has spent virtually no time around babies and little kids, I didn't know there was anything unique about these behaviors.  I just thought, yep, raising kids is hard.  About the time, we reached two years old, I really started to think, "Is this the way every kid is?  I can't believe I don't see more mothers visiting therapists."  Fortunately for me, I joined a mother's group where one of the leaders had a daughter (now in college) who had demonstrated the very same behaviors as our daughter.  The mother talked about it... a lot.  And I realized every child doesn't behave this way.  BUT there are other kids who do behave this way.  It then, sent me on my typical internet research path to learn more.

So that's why I decided to occasionally write about this topic.  If there are other parents out there who feel stressed, concerned, alone, inadequate (you know the list), I want to give them some resources to help them better parent highly sensitive kids, and I want them to know they are not alone.

To start, here's a bit about what I learned:

1. The brains of highly sensitive people take in much more information and process it more quickly that the brains of the rest of us.  Thus, these people are easily over-stimulated.  Over-stimulation leads to anxiety and melt downs.
2.  20% of the population is categorized as highly sensitive
3.  Of those, only 70% are introverts.  That's right.  Highly sensitive people can be extroverts (which our daughter definitely is).
4.  Highly sensitive people are usually very bright, because their brains process information so quickly.
5.  The brains of highly sensitive people are less capable of regulating emotions.  Therefore, these people often appear dramatic or likely to overreact.  But their feelings are very valid.  They just feel things more intensely than most of us do.

If you are wondering if your child or you is highly sensitive, there is an easy questionnaire that can help you.  Answer each one with True or False.

My child...
1.  Startles easily
2.  Complains about scratchy clothing, seams in socks, or labels against his/her skin
3.  Doesn't usually enjoy big surprises
4.  Learns better from a gentle correction than strong punishment
5.  Seems to read my mind
6.  Uses big words for his/her age
7.  Notices the slightest unusual odor
8.  Has a clever sense of humor
9.  Seems very intuitive
10. Is hard to get to sleep after an exciting day
11.  Doesn't do well with big changes
12.  Wants to change clothes if wet or sandy
13.  Asks a lot of questions
14.  Is a perfectionist
15.  Notices the distress of others
16.  Prefers quiet play
17.  Asks deep, thought-provoking questions
18.  Is very sensitive to pain
19.  Is bothered by noisy places
20.  Notices subtleties (something that's been moved, change in a person's appearance)
21.  Considers if it is safe before climbing high
22.  Performs best when strangers aren't present
23.  Feels things deeply

If you answered TRUE to 13 or more, you have a highly sensitive child.  For perspective, I answered TRUE to 19 of these for our daughter.

There's so much to say about this topic, and I will continue to post about it.  But in the meantime, if this sounds like your child, I encourage you to check out this book - The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron.  It was written by a clinical psychologist who is highly sensitive and has a highly sensitive child.  It's a great parenting resource and it's on Kindle.

For the Love of Running

It's that time of year - the time of year when lots of people decide to exercise more.  So for those of you considering taking up running for exercise, I thought I would offer a little inspiration.

I run.  I run a decent amount - 25 miles a week - but I'm by no means a competitive runner or even a marathon runner.  But I'm sharing my story because I went from absolutely hating running to really liking (not quite loving) running.  So it might help somebody else get over that initial hump of hate.

15 years ago, I couldn't run down the block.  I couldn't think of many things that sounded worse.  But out of peer pressure (I lived in San Francisco and was 1 of like 3 people who didn't run) and the desire to have something cool to say on a first date ("I'm really into running"), I decided to give it a shot.  First a 5K.  Then a 12K.  And eventually a half marathon.  I was disciplined in training and completed the goals.  But did I like it?  Not really.  I would rather be watching a Real World marathon (remember those?  great for hang over days).

I spent many years in cycles of running for a year and then, not running because my life got busy and stressful.  Then, I would push through the agony of being out of shape and start all over again.  Finally, I got really tired of pushing through that agony.  So tired that I stopped the cycle.  I finally realized starting over again sucks way more than just going out and exercising.  And truthfully, reminding myself of that is sometimes what gets me out the door for the run.

So you know what happened along the way?  I actually really found the love in running.  It is by far the best, healthiest stress reliever in my life!  I can do it anywhere with minimal gear.  And most importantly, it is the one place I don't hear "mommy" or a ding of a new email/text or the phone ringing (do not run with your phone).  And even if I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day or my day isn't going well, if I get a run in, I feel like it was a good day.  Love that!

Here are my words of inspiration to get you going today - 

1.  The pain of the run is less than the pain of being out of shape.

2.  Look forward to the 30+ minutes of no one being able to talk to you and ask you for something!

3.  And if you need a 3rd, buy some cool new running shoes or clothes.  That gives me a extra boost.

New Year's Resolutions Offer Helpful Insight

Like many families, our family took a few minutes at dinner Friday night to discuss everyone's resolutions.  I will say that of course, I hope we follow through with our resolutions, because they were good.  But I actually found just hearing everyone's resolutions to be helpful by itself.   So what did everyone resolve to do?

Four year old daughter:
1.  Be kind to her friends and family
2.  Give more stuff to Goodwill

What I hope it means - She has learned to be a very generous soul and may be the next Mother Theresa (even though we aren't Catholic).
What it probably means - She knows her mom likes to throw stuff away and she's finally tired of hearing us tell her to be nice.

Husband:
1.  Praise his wife more
2.  Spend more time with his family
3.  Exercise more

What I hope it means - He will appreciate and celebrate me on a daily basis!  He will spend less time on his numerous hobbies and will incorporate more bike rides into Monday - Friday and less on Saturday and Sunday.
What it probably means - He knows his wife is totally exhausted after the holidays.  He probably should do more, and he feels a little bad right now.  He has genuinely good intentions about spending more time with my family and exercising more but his love for fishing, college basketball, fantasy football, his aquarium and hunting will likely be more powerful than he anticipated.

Two year old son:
1.  Give up his pacifier
2.  Learn to pee and poop in the potty

What I hope it means - He is really maturing and taking on more responsibility.
What it probably means - Mommy made his resolutions.

Me:
1.  Get back to healthy eating
2.  Cut back the number of things I do and am involved in, so I'm less stressed and have more to give my family.

What I hope it means - I will reduce my stress by doing less and holding my family accountable for more - SO that I am not tempted to consume another gallon of peppermint ice cream to reduce stress.
What it probably means - I will just eat dark chocolate instead.

I hope you had fun with your New Year's resolutions, too!  Happy 2015!

Last Minute Holiday Decorating Ideas

Okay, so your family will be at your house in 24 hours.  You have a tree and a wreath, but that's all.  You don't have the time or energy to go shopping for more decorations but you still wish the house looked more festive.  Here are 5 simple ideas to make the house look more festive with items you already have!

1.  Hang ornaments from your dining room chandelier or light fixture.


2.  Wrap garlands around your curtain rods.


3.  Place ornaments on candle holders or candle sticks.



4.  Fill jars, vases, or anything clear glass with peppermints.



5.  Fill vases with ornaments



Voila!  You could probably do all of these in less than an hour.  Happy decorating!

Letting Your Kids Be Who They Are

As a parent, I have found myself genuinely surprised how much harder it is to just let your kids be themselves...especially children who are the same gender as you.  As the child, it seems so obvious.  Why can't your parents just encourage and support you the way you are?  Why are they so selfish?

Suddenly you become a parent and you find your fears and concerns about your child's future getting in the way of just letting them be them.  You're afraid they won't be successful with a certain characteristic or they will struggle more with a certain interest.  But this week, I found myself doing something I never thought I would do - controlling a birthday party.

Obviously, in my line of work, I am an expert in parties.  But I found myself imposing my expectations on my daughter.  I had a vision of what I wanted her to have - what I thought would be cute and adorable and quite frankly, what I thought my friends would think is cute and adorable.  My daughter wanted a bounce house party - all I could think was "Really?  Another bounce house party?"  I told my husband about my dilemma and he really gave me food for thought.  He said, "What's wrong with that?  She went to a bounce house with all of her friends from school and had a ball.  A bounce house is totally her.  She loves it."

And suddenly, I realized he was right.  She might enjoy the party I wanted her to have, but who cares?  She wants a party at a bounce house and it's her birthday.  So I'm not sure which birthday option she will choose but I realized that as long as it's within our budget, it should be her choice.  And she should love it.

Surviving the 2nd child - it's possible!

Our second child turned two!!!!  Hallelujah!  The second birthday for the first child was pretty uneventful but for the second child, the 2nd birthday was bigger than the first.  It was a huge milestone for mom and dad.  Life at home doesn't completely suck any more!

For those of you with multiple children, you understand.  But if you aren't there yet, let me explain myself.  The second child as an individual is definitely easier to care for than the first child as an individual.  You know what you're doing.  You know how to use the gear.  You know how to deal with crying babies and temper tantrums.

BUT you are now caring for two kids and all of the issues that occur between them because there are two.  Jealousy, sharing (or lack thereof), being gentle and not killing the little one, etc.  And caring for two means you don't have the ability to focus on one, which for most adults is very stressful.  It takes time to learn to cope when both children have needs at the same time that you can't meet.

For us, we had sleep deprivation until our son (2nd child) was 7 months.  Then, he started crawling at 8 months and boy, did he move.  Our efforts to keep him from killing himself required 80% of our time, which consequently, heightened our older daughter's jealousy and anxiety.  So then, we found ourselves spending every moment keeping the baby alive or trying to appease our older stressed and jealous daughter.  Not going to lie.  It was rough - had I really known how hard it was going to be, I might have chickened out.

BUT I'm here to tell anyone who is in this boat or will be soon - it does get better!  Our son now has near death experiences far less often.  We can keep doors open in our house.  We can mostly unload the dishwasher in his presence.  He is more independent.  He can talk and understand us.  He can even share.   All of these things help calm our older child as well.  Yesterday, both of our children played by themselves with our son's new train table in his room while I folded laundry and my husband cooked dinner upstairs.  It felt amazing!!!!!  We have envisioned this moment for almost 5 years and now it's here.

Having two is great in the long run.  So if you are in a rough spot, hang in there and know it gets easier!  And that vision of the happy family can come together.

Christmas Can Be Fun For Your Husband, Too!

Do you like Christmas?  Does your husband like Christmas?  At my house, the first answer is a resounding YES and the second answer is "Do I have to?"

I was thinking the other day about everything I had to do -  at least 10 things on the list - then, it dawned on me that a gift for my husband wasn't even on the list, much less spending time with him.  I know he doesn't care about Christmas as much as I do, but maybe if I put him somewhere in the top 5 of my list, he might like Christmas a little more.  So I decided to think about some simple things we could do together that don't involve the kids - and hopefully, will make my husband enjoy Christmas a little more!

1.  Cider Sippin' and Shoppin' -  Make shopping for your mother-in-law and the kids a little more fun.  Leave the kids with the sitter, go have a drink (or two) and then, shop.  I guarantee it will be more fun!  You can top off the shopping trip with dinner or dessert.

2.  Christmas movie night - Make this a tradition.  After the kids go to bed, watch your favorite Christmas movie together.  Personally, I might go for something like Love Actually, but to make my husband happy, Christmas Vacation might be a better compromise.

3.  Give the gift of together - I love this one! So instead of giving each other things for Christmas, give each other date nights.  Each person can plan 6 date nights for the following year and that's what you give each other for Christmas.   You could create a cute little book that has pictures of what you'll do on each date.   And if you are watching your dollars, you don't have to buy everything at Christmas.  Spread this one out over the next year.

Here's to a wonderful holiday season and hopefully, a joyful husband, too!